But today I have been chomping at the bit ready to write. I was thinking about it on my morning run, during my cleaning, and when I went for a walk. One of my best friends called and our two hour chat was incredible.
Let me just insert how thankful I am for the people who speak into my life. My friend and I were remembering the different times we have had to talk into each other. We might not have enjoyed the experience (I really don't like when people call me on being passive aggressive and tell me I really need to actually voice when I am upset, lol), but it has made our friendship the strong one that it is today.
Getting off the phone left me even more inspired to write, so here it goes!
We weren't at our church last Sunday since we were out in BC, but apparently we started a series on the "Seven Deadly Sins." So last week they discussed envy. This week we looked at vanity, or vainglory.
Growing up, whenever I heard about these Seven, I could usually identify with all of them. But vanity was the one I found the most difficult. In my mind I was an insecure person who was always more than aware of their flaws and faults. How could I be vain?
To be honest, this sermon really opened my eyes and has caused be to reassess some things in my life from the last five years or so.
Our pastor asked us the question: "What standards are you measuring yourself by?"
Anyone who followed my blog from when I was single knows that I had a really difficult time figuring out who I was. I felt that the church and my culture had set up standards that I could not meet. I felt like in order to be a whole person I could not be single.
These were the standards by which I measured myself and God took me on an incredible journey to break me of that. I had to realize that the only approval I needed to seek was His. He is my audience.
I always associated vanity with the idea of thinking highly of yourself. Our pastor shared a definition with us that really challenged me. She said that vanity is an excessive and disordered obsession with the approval/recognition of others.
Ultimately, it is the taking of our eyes off of Jesus and putting them on ourselves.
On Saturday Jordan and I got to drive up north to celebrate the twenty-first birthday of one of my cousins (which was a great time, by the way).
On the three to four our drive, we talked a lot. We also started listening to some cds from a personality/gifting study that I had done several years ago.
What resulted was the sharing of different experiences we have had in the past. As I talked about doing this study and the church I had done it in, I also mentioned stories of things that had happened at this church as well. Negative things that had left me feeling hurt.
I don't think it is any surprise that I have church baggage (I don't know many people who don't). Churches are full of imperfect human beings and as a result they get messy. Feelings are hurt, sometimes intentionally but more often than naught unintentionally. I have my few scars but they have shaped me and made me who I am.
When I moved to Williams Lake to teach two years ago, I had a really difficult time in the church I decided on. There wasn't anything wrong that I could see, in fact they were very welcoming. But aspects of it reminded me of my old church. Because of this I never let myself settle there. I didn't fully embrace it. I kept everything at arms length.
I blamed this on what had happened to me in my old church. I blamed my reaction on the hurts others had done to me. All I could see was me and my hurts.
When I was single, I was hurt by the reactions of others. Most of my married friends seemed like they didn't want to be with me because I was single. Everyone always wanted to know if there were any guys on my horizon. I measured myself by the standards of others (whether those standards were intentional or not).
But I also made that situation all about me. My friends weren't trying to cut me out. They were adjusting to life as a married person along with all the challenges those held. The culture of small, rural communities was not all about me. People tended to get married younger. It just happened. People were happily married and wanted to see the same for me. No one meant to tell me that I was incomplete as a single person. It seemed like it was implied, but I don't believe it was intended.
I allowed it to become about me. I was so focused on myself that all I cared about was measuring up to the standards I thought were expected of me. And then when I didn't measure up, I became bitter towards the people, culture, and institutions that were surrounding me because I felt it was their fault.
Our pastor shared a quote (I can't remember who by), where she said that "Flattery of others is a narcotic and an addiction."
I craved the flattery of other people. I craved the attention. And then when I didn't get it, when I didn't "measure up" to what I thought was expected, I became bitter.
Life is a learning process. And God really showed me how to come to depend on Him for approval and not others (I would love to say I'm there, but I'm not).
But what yesterday's sermon really made me think about was the fact that so much of my life I have made things all about me. I expected married people to be more sensitive to me as a single person. But I'm not the centre of their lives, so why should they spend their time thinking about how to make me feel better? When I had trouble putting down roots in a church it was because a past church had hurt me.
When I make things about me, I also then have a tendency of wanting to blame other people and things when life doesn't turn out how I want it. When I struggle in a church it is because of my past church.
I'm not saying these experiences didn't shape me. They did. And I honestly believe I am far more discerning in some areas because of what I have experienced, than what I once was. But I also can't blame these situations for my decisions and circumstances today.
When I chose to hold my church in Williams Lake at bay it wasn't because of my past church. While that experience shaped me, I was the one who made the decision to respond as I did.
When I felt that standards were held up to me to measure up to, I made the decision to become hurt and angry when I didn't measure up.
Yesterday during church I even just thought back to the conversations Jordan and I had had the day before. I thought of the times when I would mention what someone had done and how it had hurt me.
And what I realized was that by making so many things about me, I had opened up the door for bitterness. My being hurt didn't affect those who did the hurting--in the end it affected me.
I get so frustrated when I see people who take up hurt and offence for things that were not intended to cause such a response. I watch them make situations all about them, and then they grow bitter.
Yesterday God got my attention and showed me that I am no different.
So here's to thanking God for the circumstances in my life that He has shaped for my good. Here's to thanking Him for speaking truth into my life (whether I wanted to hear it or not). And here's to letting go of those circumstances and hurts. They happened and God used them. So I will glorify Him for His goodness and amazing abilities, and I will let go.
