I have been want to write a post since Thanksgiving, but work really started to pick up (I have been working almost full-time hours with the extra supply teaching and tutoring on top of my one regular course that I teach), not to mention throwing parent-teacher interviews into the mix. I have had two weekends off in a row, but on the first one I found I could not bring myself to do anything other than relax (and mark a few literary paragraphs), and on the second both Husband and I weren't feeling 100%.
Today I have a bit of time to sit down and put into writing the flurry of thoughts that have been on my mind the last few weeks.
The week leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself challenged to be thankful. Maybe that seems cliche or silly, but I began to notice that I had a knack for dwelling on negative things. For taking hurt where it wasn't intended. For failing to notice the beauty and the good in what was going on around me. As Jordan and I would pray for meals or before bed, I would try to remember to thank God (and mean it), for the things He had blessed us with, and for the lives that we have.
As I look back on these few weeks, I find myself thanking God for everything that He has allowed to happen to me, because it is those things that have shaped me. They have stretched me and molded me. So many of them have hurt, but God has taken that which is painful to make me at least a little bit more like Him.
It has been about six years now since I allowed myself to take a break from being involved in church ministries. I was burnt out and was hurting, and needed some time to heal. Then, with going back to school and working, and only ever being in a place a year at a time, I allowed myself to continue not getting involved.
Over the Thanksgiving weekend I began to see how God has allowed me to settle in a community. To begin to put down roots. He also drew my attention to the fact that being a part of a community means just that: being a part.
I don't know if anything scares me more than getting involved in churches (okay, Parent-Teacher interviews probably scare me more if I'm going to be honest). But at the "prodding" of a friend (she mentioned my name and then "encouraged" me to see how I would fit), I have signed up to help out with Gems. This is a girls' club our church does for girls in grades 4-8. I get to work with the grade 8 girls. And while I have not been able to make all of the meetings yet because of commitments with work, it really has felt good to get involved. Last Sunday we slid into our pew and one of my girls was sitting behind us. It felt strangely "homelike" to be able to tease her and talk to her.
On Tuesday I then received an email asking me if I would be willing to play piano occasionally for the early morning services our church is going to be starting at the end of November. I have played on worship teams before, but I'm not a particularly talented pianist. I chord. What I play comes from my heart and is my own offering of worship to God, but I don't play melodies, and definitely don't play like the pianists in our church. I explained this. Explained that it might be more difficult for people to follow me because of this (we don't always have someone who actually leads the singing). What I got in response was a "Great! I will make sure that myself and some other singers are always signed up to sing with you!"
In many ways, God has had to twist my arm to get me involved. After spending every free moment involved in church ministries, I have been very guarded of my time. I am scared of running into that extreme again.
But God has also been gracious. My time is not overloaded. One night a week, and the occasional Sunday morning is really not that much to give up.
I'm scared. I'm insecure. And with every fiber of my being I want to run and hide.
But I also feel like I am starting to belong. Like this city and this church, this community that I belong to, is my home.
And for this I'm thankful.
On Tuesday afternoon my principal sent me an email asking me if we could meet Wednesday morning. As I popped in yesterday, he asked me if I would be willing to take over teaching our school's Families class while its teacher takes six weeks off for surgery. I said yes.
I start teaching it Monday (which means that while all the other teachers are at their conference today and tomorrow, I get to stay home, drink cocoa, and plan how to talk to my students about gender roles in marriage).
If I had my way I would be teaching full-time, and would know that my position was secure.
I don't have that.
But that's okay.
On Thanksgiving Monday we sang "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can remember singing that song a lot in the months leading up to my move from BC to Ontario. The one portion that sticks out to me says:
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
No matter what has happened or what will happen, God is still God. He is still on throne. And I want to be able to spend my days praising Him for who He is and what He has done.
I want to be thankful in EVERYTHING, not just the things that go my way.
