Post 16: Whatever Jingles your Bell

Thus far this week has been much better than last week.  No more wrong turns on one way streets and as a whole I have just felt better this week.  I picked up another student for tutoring, so I now tutor four high school kids. So I have that solid work 4-5 days a week which is fantastic.  And I'm still in schools about two to three days a week as well.  Yesterday I was only supposed to sub half the day at the high school and they called me in the morning to see if I was free for the whole day.  I'm only there for the last block of the day today, but the grade nines I will be hanging out with kept smiling and greeting me in the hall yesterday, telling me how excited they are that they get to have me (I believe one girl told me she was "Having a party in her head").

Several kids are starting to recognize me from church now (some had my husband as their youth leader is past years, and I do so love it when we walk into church and are greeted as "Jordan and Mrs. Visser").  As I was telling my husband about my day even he remarked "Those kids really seem to like you."

And it feels good.  I miss having my own classes, and I have found myself really missing my past students, especially with Christmas drawing close.  We started doing a little bit of decorating around the house this past week and as I opened one box I found all of my Christmas cards from last year.  I hadn't realized I had saved them what with moving and all, but I guess I had.  I read through them all, I saw each student's face pop before my eyes.  And it made me miss them so much.  All of their quirks.  Their smiles and laughs.

I love the challenge of supply teaching and trying to build relationships in a short period of time.  But boy do I miss having my own set of classes with students I get to see and touch base with everyday.

(Some of the little bits of decorating we have done).

But I got to do something this week that I didn't do last year and that I find very therapeutic.  I made Christmas cards.  And our cat decided to help me.

I'm not the most artistic person you will ever meet.  And my Christmas cards do not even come close to comparing with a lot of what I have seen people make.  But they are my chance to be a little creative in an artistic manner, and I am happy with how they look.  And I suppose Mortimer is too :)

So after a morning of cleaning, running, and organizing, I'm finally sitting down to rest for a bit before I have to head out to teach and then tutor afterwards.  Which means I'm drinking some chocolate chili chai (courtesy of David's Tea) in what to this day remains my all time favourite mug (thank you, Ashley.  You have such good taste).

Yup, that is an actual bell in my mug.  And it jingles every time I take a sip.  Seriously love this thing.  I can't wait for November to hit so that I feel I am justified in drinking from it.  Especially since we got snow this week, so I get to stare out our window and old homes dusted with white.

This feels like a strange post as I have shared a lot but nothing super deep.  I think today I just feel a little tired as I look over the last week or two.  Tired but very content.  And excited.  Christmas is coming and that always turns me into a little girl again.

One thing I'm really excited about is getting to be at the same church for most of Advent (I think we will only miss Christmas Eve).  Growing up we had Advent in the Anglican church (though I didn't really appreciate it at the time), and then in the Pentecostal church we attended it wasn't celebrated.  While going to a Mennonite church in Prince George and again in Williams Lake, I got to experience it, but the season was always broken up by visits or returning home for Christmas.

I love that idea of waiting in anticipation.  I keep thinking about the idea of Immanuel, and what it means for God to truly be with us.  I think of the changes of this year, gaining a husband but moving away from my immediate family, being close to my extended family but losing my Opa, forming relationships with my new family but also adjusting to difficulties of making close friends in a new place.  And God has been with me through each of the changes and adjustments.

We have a new associate pastor at our church, and when he preaches he likes to focus on the New Testament as fulfillment of the Old Testament.  Several weeks ago when he spoke he talked about the Ark of the Covenant and God's specific directions for making it.  About who was allowed to go near the Ark and who wasn't.  Who had access to God and who had to go through the High Priest.  About the lid of the Ark that had a cherubim on either side.

Then he took us to the Gospel of John where Peter and John come upon the empty tomb.  Where they come to the place where Jesus had been.  Where they see the stone his body had been set to rest.  And where two angels are sitting on either side.

Jesus' death and resurrection allowed us full access.  Because He became "God with us," we are now able to come before Him as we are.  He fulfilled the purpose of the Ark.

And so  in the next 34 sleeps leading up to Christmas (not that I'm counting or anything), I want to remember the Jesus came to be God with us.  I want to emulate Him and be aware of His presence.  I don't want to forget about Him or keep Him in the background in my girlish excitement for seeing family and friends and decorating my new house and drinking out of Christmas mugs.  I want Advent to be a season where I remember who He is and that He is present.  Where I celebrate what He has done, and look forward with eager anticipation to what else He has is store.  I want to join with the angels announcing Christ's birth, and sing "Glory to God in the highest."  May my life truly worship and glorify Him.

Post #15: Wrong Way on the One Way

I have actually been meaning to write this post since Monday.  And then life kept on happening.  Like I woke up Monday morning to my first official call-in as a supply teacher (all of my other teaching has been scheduled).  So I drove 45 minutes to teach for the morning, returned home, showered (wasn't left much time for that by the time they called me in), and headed out for tutoring.  Tuesday I was called in again but since I couldn't work a full day I ended up not going in.  But boy did I clean the house!  Wednesday was another call in. Thursday was cleaning and errands and working out and tutoring.  I thought I would have time earlier today, but between more errands, tutoring, running, cleaning, and touching base with my Mom, sister, and sister-in-law, this is my first moment to really sit down.

If anything doesn't make sense, please blame it on the fact that I'm also watching The Walking Dead  while writing.  Husband and I just finished dinner and so this is our evening show (we are getting me caught up so that we can start watching season 5).

I had an interesting moment this morning.  We went to a dinner and silent auction for a local kids group called City Kidz.  We ended up winning some of the items we bid on, so I went to pick them up.  I typed the address into my GPS and set out.

My GPS told me to turn left.

So I did.

My GPS told me to turn left on a one way street.

It neglected to mention that by going left I would be going the wrong way on said one way street.

So after slamming on my breaks and briefly stopping traffic so I could get myself turned around, I pulled into a parking lot and cried.  Then I continued on my way.

I wish I could remember all of the sermon I heard on Sunday.  We had had a guest pastor, and I remember liking the sermon, but by today I could no longer remember it.  But he made one comment that I did remember.  He talked about learning this summer that if you want to understand a character in a story, you need to read the first words they say and the last words.  So he showed us the first words Jesus said that are recorded in the book of John.  They are "What do you want?"  Then he showed us the last ones.  "Follow me."

Those words have been ringing in my mind all week.  The idea that if we really want Jesus like so many of Christians say they do, then we need to lay down our lives and follow Him.

Yesterday on my run I started listening to a Matt Chandler podcast on women.  He was doing a series on men and women.  Before anyone gets their backs up about egalitarian versus complimentarian, know that I'm not going to get into that.  But that I want to share what he said in one of the podcasts I continued listening to today.  He was talking about the hurdles women face, and how they tend to fall into one of (or both of) two buckets: comparison and perfectionism.  I only got through most of the part on the comparison but it hit home way to close.  Chandler shared how women actually tend to check out other women more than they do men because they are constantly comparing how they measure up to others.

I'm going to share something that is really difficult to share on a blog that anyone can read.  But I believe my struggles are not unique to me, and I'm hoping that by sharing others might be encouraged.

I am a woman.  So it probably won't come as a shock to you to discover that I struggle with my self-image, specifically my body image.  Three to four years ago I weighed about twenty-five pounds more than what I do right now.  It took me until I was about 25, but I finally discovered a love of running and Jillian Michaels DVDs that led to shedding the weight and keeping it off.  I am in the best shape of my life.

But every morning I get on my scale.  And if my weight has gone even remotely up I berate myself.  If it doesn't go back down within a day or two, I begin to feel ugly.  I feel awkward and  frumpy.

And for the last three to four weeks I have continually felt worse and worse about myself.

Here's the thing: I have a husband who daily tells me he thinks I'm beautiful.

And when I feel awful about myself all I crave is him telling me this.

But my husband is not God (don't tell him this :P ).

Which means that I cannot look for my identity in him.

My identity can only be found in God.

I can't spend my time comparing myself to other women and feeling like I will never measure up.  And I also can't spend my time longing for others to affirm me.

If I truly want to follow God like I profess that I do, then I need to be willing to turn to Him.  I need to go to Him with my tears, my worries, my joys, my everything.  I need to strive to be the woman He has called me to be.

I need to remember that above all else I am His child.  I'm made in His image.  He loves me enough that He sent His Son.  He formed me and created me and in His eyes I am a work of art (I'm biting my metaphorical tongue to keep from making a self-deprecating joke about side art).

There is something very humbling about realizing that you are going the wrong way on a road. About knowing that the thing you have become so dependent on, your GPS, can lead you so wrong. But sometimes God gives me those moments as a picture for what is going on in my life.

So here's to remember Who my identity is based in.

Post #14: Truth, Love, and Sacrifice

It is Friday.  I know, you're probably thanking me for stating the obvious right now.  Oh well, I shall ignore sarcasm and accept such thanks :)

This week has felt like a different one than usual.  I worked and tutored, but Husband was out of town for three days and two nights doing sales, so it was definitely strange adjusting to having him gone.  I feel like a wimp for hating the absence.  After all, we did two years of long distance so two nights should be nothing, right?

Wrong.  I'm apparently the world's biggest suck!

Thanks to how my supply work worked out this week, I got to return to running four days a week, which feels fantastic.  Add to that a slightly more energetic two hours of volleyball on Wednesday night and my body is telling me it is happy.  But also a tad bit on the tired side.

This morning when I went for my run I actually had to stop and take in the view.  The street I was on was littered with leaves, the trees lining said street still had some leaves, and the sun was casting its early morning, golden hue on the world.  It was stunning.  I returned home to look at the pictures I had taken of it with my phone and all I could think was, "Well done, Lord."  I can't help but have my breath taken away by the artistry of His hands.

Now if only He had gifted me with a little more of that artistry :)

This has been a week full of all kinds of thoughts and I'm not sure which one to touch on.  So maybe I will mention them all and you can take from that what you will.

On Sunday, Husband and I were reading out of Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage book.  I read it a few years ago as a single person and it is an incredible read, no matter what stage of life you are in.  My blog at that time, "Annals of a Christian Single" is full of posts centered around what he had to say.  But the portion we read about over the weekend really got me thinking.  It had to do with the idea of selfishness.  With us wanting our way no matter the expense.  With not thinking about what your partner needs because you are only looking out for yourself.

I know I am guilty of this, but what really struck me is how this applies to more than just our marriage relationships.  Think of our friendships.  Of parents and children.  Of co-workers.

We live in a culture that tells us to only look out for ourselves.  That no one else is looking out for you, so take care of your wants and needs above all else.

Contrast this with the image of Jesus laying down His life.  With the idea of denying ourselves if we want to follow Him.

All of this is swirling around in my head when we get to church and our assistant pastor speaks about love.  Several weeks back we heard another sermon about choosing to love.

I'm married and have only been married for not quite four months.  I'm going to be honest--it is really easy to love my husband.  He's incredible.  

But what about those students that really get on your nerves?  Or when you're out for a run and a guy decides he doesn't want to stop at the stop sign but wants to keep on driving, hoping you'll avoid him?

What about my compassion for others?  

I have been really disappointed in myself lately.  I've noticed that my patience seems to be slipping at times, specifically when I'm driving.  I know this sounds silly, and some of you may brush this off and roll your eyes at me, but it is true.  I get really frustrated with other vehicles (whether I'm driving or running or walking).  My first reaction to call out what they are doing that is annoying me (either to myself, to God, or to Husband).

And I don't like myself when I get like that.  I honestly don't believe that that is me modelling Christ's love.

In a podcast this week, Keller was talking about Truth and Love, and how God possesses both and gives us the right amount of each when we need it.  When I was younger, I was all love.  You could walk all over me and I would smile (and then go home, lock myself in my bedroom, and cry).  If someone was crying, I would start crying.  If someone needed a hug, I was there to hug them.  One of my best friends was all truth and we used to joke that together we made the perfect person.

At times I feel like I have completely jumped to the other side now.

I want to love others.  I want to show God's truth, but I also want to show His love.  I want to be what is needed when it is needed.

So there are my thoughts from this weekend.  Now I'm going to go curl my hair and continue to ponder them.