Post 13: A Chance of Snow

Well, it is Friday!  And it is Halloween.  I have a bowl of candy waiting by the door and am preparing to hand it out.  Might not be my favourite holiday (okay, I don't really like it), but I am still looking forward to getting to give out candy at my own house :)

It is also supposed to snow tonight.  We will see if anything comes of that but it would be a little exciting to see some white.  It might even lead to making some Christmas cards this weekend.

Today I supplied in a shop class.

Yup.

The woman who may or may not have snipped her finger while trimming floor stems was in a room full of power tools.

That being said, I didn't have to operate any of them.  Instead I got to watch an episode of Holmes Makes it Right.  Which, let me tell you, is a pretty awesome way to spend a period of class!  I also got to teach an English class I absolutely love (the kids in it are the greatest), and an information technology class that students I have taught before kept trying to get into.

At lunch time I ran into a teacher who asked my name.  Turns out I subbed for her a few weeks ago (taught French and Family Studies).  She said when she got back her students raved to her about how good I was and how much they liked me.  So she went and talked to the vice-principal about that.

Getting that kind of feedback is always incredible to hear.  It is hard being a supply teacher sometimes because you don't always get to hear if you are doing a good job.  Having her say that to me just completely made my day.

I feel as if I should have something deep to share but to be honest today I don't.  It has been a week of teaching (everything from shop to Senior Kindergarten), tutoring, and getting all my paperwork figured out so that I can finally get my name changed on some ID and get my car transferred over to Ontario (yes, I know I'm a little late on that one).  So now that I'm home I have changed into some comfy clothes (including Christmas socks that I get teased about), huddled on the afghan my sister-in-law made us for our wedding while Mortimer (our cat) sits on my legs, while just writing a quick update.

The sky is darkening and the tree outside our living room window is a bright yellow that keeps drawing my attention towards it.

So I'm going to allow the gloomy, mysterious feeling of the weather and time of day to lull me into a place of restfulness.  I will put out the novel I'm currently reading (A Time to Kill by John Grisham), snuggle a little deeper under this blanket with my cat, and disappear into the world of fiction.

Post 12: The Sun Shines

Well, it has been a week.

Friday evening my husband came home from work with a beautiful fall bouquet of flowers for me (I may or may not have tried to cut my index finger off while trimming stems... and my finger may or may not still be bleeding).  We took the evening easy and watched some light-hearted television.  Saturday morning my in-laws stopped in for coffee.  They brought me another gorgeous bouquet of flowers and wanted to see how I and my family were holding up.  That afternoon hubby and I hopped in the car and drove north to be near my family.  Sunday night was the viewing and I was amazed by the almost 300 people who came to pay their respects.  Monday was the funeral.  I held it together most of that day until we got to the church.  As the casket was taken  out of the hearse and into the building, we watched as police officer got out of his car and stood at attention, saluting my Opa.  As the casket left the church at the end of the funeral the officer was there again and still saluting.  I'm crying just remembering that.

What has been so hard is that I didn't know my Opa as well as my cousins.  As I listened to the stories they told about him I found myself struggling.  I was thrilled they had those memories, but I was also a little jealous.  I felt robbed of the chance to get to know him better.  To hear his stories.

I'm not anger and I'm not upset at God.  I just feel like I missed something and it is something I won't get back.

On the other hand I must say that if there is one way my family copes with tragedy it is through laughter.  I can't remember the last time I cried as much as I did this last weekend.  But I also can't remember the last time I laughed like this.  Whether it was getting a manicure with my Oma and walking around modelling our hands, or sitting down at the viewing before everyone showed up and listening as my family started talking about floral arrangements in a manner that again led to laughter... joy was still present.

On Tuesday evening our elder knocked on the door.  Jordan had called him before we left for the funeral to let him know what had happened.  Do you know what it is like to find out that your church was praying for you on Sunday?  To have your elder show up with a card and flower and personally tell you how sorry he is about your loss?

Despite all that has happened I have felt so blessed this last week.  There have been so many texts, phone calls, emails, messages, and notes from people letting me know that they care.  That my family is in their prayers.  That they are so sorry for what we are going through.  In a time where it felt like I didn't have the energy to even pray, there were others out there going to God for me.

Our elder made mention of something that stuck with me.  He talked about praying our tears.  Which is also the title of a Tim Keller sermon.

Tears are a part of life.  So is sorrow.  Jesus even cried.  As I listened to Keller's sermon he talked about how the majority of the Psalms are Psalms of lament.  But the last few are straight praise.  And how no matter how horrible a time we are going through, if we continue to take that pain and those tears to God, to continually come to Him and keep our eyes on Him, our prayers and laments will one day become praise.

After a weekend of rain, today is a beautiful, brisk, autumn day.

And as the sun shines I am reminded of God's faithfulness.

Post 11: My Hardest Day as a Teacher

I was supposed to sub in a grade 8 class from 9-2 today.  At 7:40 this morning I received a call to come in earlier to fill in for a different teacher in the morning.  They needed me in as soon as possible.

I had to sub in a Senior Kindergarten (SK) class for the morning.  And it was the hardest teaching experience of my life.

Not because I'm more middle school and high school oriented.  But because about twenty minutes before the school called me, I received another call.

This call was telling me that my Opa had passed away in his sleep.

I have never had someone close to me die before.  When a novel describes a character feeling as though they have been punched in the stomach... well, I understand that feeling now.

One of the reasons I was excited to move to Ontario after getting married was because I knew I would be closer to all of my extended family.  Labor Day weekend my husband and I got to go and have coffee with my Oma and Opa during an afternoon.  I loved knowing they were near.  Some of my favourite pictures from my wedding are of my Opa and I.

So right now I hurt.  And my family hurts.  I'm afraid this post won't contain any great tales or spiritual reflections.  Really it is just a request that you would keep my family in your prayers.  We are all congregating together this weekend and your thoughts would be more than appreciated.

Good-bye, Opa.  I'm so glad I got to have coffee with you before you left.  I'm so thrilled you got to make it to my wedding.  You will be so greatly missed.  I love you.

Post 10: Having Tea with Tolkien, MacDonald, Keller, and Lewis

As I write this I am sitting down with a nice cup of tea.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a "mood mugger."  What this means is that I have a hard time drinking my hot drinks (tea, coffee, cocoa, cider...) out of just any mug.  I can often be seen throwing open the cupboard doors and just staring at the assortment of cups, waiting for one to speak to me.  I know, I'm strange.  One of the saddest things I have had to do over the last year and a bit is get rid of my cup collection (I wish I was joking but when I packed up all of them after my undergrad I had about 60).  I am beginning to fear that this blog is only going to cause more people to wonder about my sanity!

The point is, today's tea can be found in a yellow mug with white polka dots.  For the record, this mug was part of my husband's collection, not mine :)  And the tea shimmers.  It is called "Glitter and Gold" and as such has a slight sparkle to it.  And my cat is enjoying the comfort of my lap and arms as I attempt to write.

Believe it or not I tell you all of this for a reason.  As I sat down with my drink and watched the glint of gold in my cup, the line "All that is gold does not glitter" run through my head.  I knew it was from a Tolkien poem, but couldn't remember the rest of it.  So I looked it up and am going to share it with you.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And the only word the arose in my mind after reading this was "Hope."  While this is a prophecy about Aragorn, Tolkien's words still ring true.  Throughout the Lord of the Rings, things seem to go from bad to worse.  There is betrayal, danger, loss, grief, and the world falls deeper and deeper into darkness.  Hope appears to be lost.  This makes me think of the last post I wrote.  Where I think of the people I know who struggle.  Who go through those times where it seems like they have no hope.  Where nothing glitters and all is lost.

I also think the reason this struck me was because it also tied in with the podcast I was listening to on my run this morning.  It was called "Praying our Fears."  I have heard it before, but couldn't remember the details, so I decided to listen again.

He is looking at Psalm 3, which David wrote when he was running into some issues with his son Absalom (Absalom declares himself king, he tries to kill his father... it's a pretty horrible time for David).  Here is the psalm:

1 Lord, how many are my foes!

    How many rise up against me!

2 Many are saying of me,

    “God will not deliver him.”[b]

3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me,

    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

4 I call out to the Lord,

    and he answers me from his holy mountain.

5 I lie down and sleep;

    I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

6 I will not fear though tens of thousands

    assail me on every side.

7 Arise, Lord!

    Deliver me, my God!

Strike all my enemies on the jaw;

    break the teeth of the wicked.

8 From the Lord comes deliverance.

    May your blessing be on your people.

David is at his lowest at this time; he is in a pit of fear and darkness.  Keller says that from verse three on, there are four things David does: follow your thread, relocate your glory, see the substitute, remember the people.  Don't worry, I'm not going to go into depth on each of these, but I just want to show you were my mind is at right now.  

In verse three it says that the Lord is a shield around him.  According to commentaries, there are two types of shields this could be referring to. One is a small shield that is on your arm.  You use it to defend a blow and then you can return a blow with your other hand.  But this wouldn't form a shield AROUND you.  It's too small.  Keller says the other type of shield is the kind you have probably seen in movies.  It is about the size of a door and wraps around your entire arm.

Do you know what the purpose of this kind of shield is?  It isn't to be used to sit back and watch a battle rage.  This is the kind of shield you use when you are following your general in to besiege a city or fortress.  In other words, this is the kind of shield you use when you are about to head into the most dangerous kind of danger.

So what David is saying here is this: in the first two verses of the psalm he confesses his fear.  He tells God he is afraid.  And then he says "BUT you, Lord, are a shield around me."  He isn't saying "I'm scared but I know You won't let anything bad happen to me."  Instead, David is saying "I'm scared, but I know you often take me into danger.  And I know You have a shield around me, but that shield will only work if I follow You and move forward.  I know that no matter how bad things are, You're going to somehow work good things in my life.  You're not going to shield me from arrows and pain and danger, but you're going to shield me in them."

Keller then references George MacDonald's The Princess and the Goblin.  

*Just so you know, I am madly in love with George MacDonald (don't tell my husband).  My cousin and I have discussed what we call our "favourite sexy theologians."  She is more of a Dietrich Bonhoeffer fan, while I totally would have been a MacDonald groupie.  I have read several of his works and so for Keller to reference him in a message I was already really getting into was a pretty big deal.*

He talks about how the story has a princess and the goblins are trying to get her.  She happens upon her grandmother (who she has never met), and asks how to deal with this threat.  The grandmother gives her a ring with a string attached to it and tells the princess that if she is in danger, she should take off the ring, put it under the pillow, and pull it tight, and the thread will lead her.  But the grandmother warns her that it might take her in a roundabout way.

When night falls and the princess finds herself in danger, she does this and the ring starts to lead her out of the room.  But it ends up taking her outside to the mountain.  And then into the mountain.  And the mountain is where the goblins live.  It takes her into darkness and pits and eventually to a pile of rocks.  At this point the princess wants to give up.  She cries.  She feels forsaken by her grandmother who she thought loved her.  Then she thinks that she can at least follow the thread backwards and get back home.  But when she turns around, the thread has disappeared.  It only leads forward.

The princess lost hope.

We all deal with our own hurts.  Our own sufferings.  Our own pains.  And for whoever you are and wherever you are at that pain is huge and can be overwhelming.  When I was dating my husband it was two years of long distance.  And that was hard.  It doesn't compare to those who are married and have to deal with distance.  Or with those who are single and feel alone and rejected.  But for me and where I was at, it was hard.  When my mom had cancer, it hurt.  It also didn't compare to those who have lost people to cancer.  But for us and for where we were, it felt like hell.

And God doesn't promise us that we won't feel those pains.  He leads us through arrows and spears.  Through sorrow and suffering.  It can be hard to not lose hope.  But we must keep our eyes on Him.

And because I don't feel like I can reference Tolkien, Keller, and MacDonald, and not mention CS Lewis, I'm going to end this post off with some quotations from his work A Grief Observed which he wrote while grieving the death of his wife.  I leave you with those because I think they summarize my thoughts better than I ever could.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”