Post 20: What is Love?

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of love lately (shocking, I know... it's not like it has been mentioned in more than a few posts or anything).

On Friday I was going through my old Bible and found the audio cd from our wedding.  I have been looking for this cd pretty well since it was put into our hands, so I was thrilled to have found it.  Since none of the pastors I follow have updated their podcasts (insert a "grrr") I decided I should listen to our wedding again.

Our pastor did an awesome job with our ceremony.  I loved our vows and I loved his message on the verse we chose.  The verse was Song of Songs 8:6-7:

Place me like a seal over your heart,

    like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

    its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

    like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;

    rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give

    all the wealth of one’s house for love,

    it would be utterly scorned.

Pastor Jeff talked about the role of a seal during this time period, how it symbolized a covenant.  He talked about passion.  About the rains that will come.  About remembering that day and the vows we spoke.

Two years ago I was given Tim Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage.  I read through it as a single person the year before that (borrowed it from my Dad) and was thoroughly challenged.  Since getting married, Jordan and I are slowly working our way through it as well.  I love our weekend mornings of breakfast with Tim Keller :)  And I love the discussion that we get to have after reading a section.

On Saturday I can't say as I wanted to discuss what we were reading.  See, it was one of those sections that applied beyond a husband and wife and to all of our relationships.  Keller talked all about making a decision to love.  He quotes CS Lewis who talked about how over the long haul we can change our hearts through our actions.

You see, last week wasn't a very good week for me with our tenants.  I found myself growing frustrated with them and the lack of respect that they seem to have for us and our belongings.  I had a run-in with one of them and where I think I handled it well, I know that attitude really wasn't what it should have been.

The whole time we were reading this section all I could feel was conviction over my actions and attitude.  I know God has been challenging me to love our tenants and I was choosing to ignore that.  When it came time to discuss what we had read I tried to blow it off a bit.  Instead of being able to that, Jordan looks at me and says, "This was a good section.  It reminds me a lot of what you have been writing about in your blog."

Yeah.  Couldn't really run or hide from my conviction after that :)  So with a great deal of prayer I am working on my attitude.

But this, among a few other things I have noticed lately, causes me to wonder: What is love?

I don't want to get into the debate, but I have seen a lot of action on my Facebook homepage with regards to two names: Mark Driscoll and Rob Bell.  I definitely have an opinion but don't really feel like this is the post to get into that.  What I do see is two different groups that tend to tear the men down.  One group does so in the name of truth, while the other does in the name of love.  What I find interesting is that in 1 Corinthians 13, in the infamous love passage, Paul says that "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth" (verse 6).  

When Nicodemus comes to Jesus in John 3, Jesus tells him that the only way to see the kingdom of God and experience eternal life is through Him.  He tells him that He didn't come to condemn the world but to save it.  Yet He also says that if you do not believe you stand condemned.

Multiple times throughout the Gospels, Jesus heals the sick and broken.  He breaks the rules and heals on the Sabbath.  He reaches out to the undesirables and critiques those in positions of religious authority.  But do you know what He also tells those He heals?  Repeatedly Jesus says to "Go and sin no more."

Somehow Jesus exemplifies love and truth functioning together.  He speaks the harsh truth to the religious leaders (by the way, I'm pretty sure He still loves them even though what He says is hard.  If He didn't love them He probably wouldn't go to the extremes He did to try to get through to them).  He still spends time with those society has deemed as unclean and unwanted.  But those people also leave His presence changed.  He tells them to sin no more.

Does loving my tenants mean letting them do whatever they want?  Allowing them to walk all over us, threaten us, etc?  No.  But it also doesn't mean that I condemn them.  There is truth.  There is love.  How to combine both of those if what I am pondering.  How do I show love in a way that allows them to see the truth of Christ?

So these are my ponderings three days before Christmas.

If I don't write before husband and I take off for BC on the 24th, then I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Post 19: Navel-Gazing in the Ideal Neighborhood

On Sunday night Jordan and I went for a walk.  Almost every year my one sister and I would always go for after-dinner walks once Remembrance Day arrived.  Every night we would watch more and more houses put up decorations.  It also was a time when we just were able to connect with each other.  Every year when we go back to my parents' for Christmas, the same thing happens.  We all go for walks in the evenings and admire (or laugh at) the decorations.  I have mentioned this to my husband so on Sunday night he suggested we go out before dinner.

And within minutes of starting our walk we had found our perfect neighborhood.  It was full of heritage homes and large lots.  And they were beautifully decorated.  The next day I decided I would run through this area so that I could look at see what it looked like in daylight.

Well, I was so enamored with the area that I neglected to watch what my feet were doing.  This is a bad idea when you're running.  Before I knew I fallen flat on my face.  I jumped up and finished the rest of my run, adrenaline kicking in.  I got home, sat down, and noticed that my running tights had holes in both knees now.  After further inspection I discovered blood.  This was around the time when my adrenaline wore off :)

So I now grunt and groan whenever I have to move my legs, as the bruises, bumps, and abrasions like to remind me that they are present.  But I also feel a sense of pride in my war wounds.  They are evidence that I am still trying to stay motivated to exercise.  And they also remind me that when yours eyes aren't where they should be, trouble will usually ensue.

A while ago I believe I shared a Tim Keller point about navel-gazing.  About how when we always look at ourselves, we will only see failure.  We will be continually overwhelmed with how low we really are and how we don't deserve God's grace.  But when we keep our eyes on God, when we see ourselves in the light of His grace and goodness, when we realize our identity rests in Him, we become aware of how we have been saved.

I have been really trying hard to remember this.  Whenever I start to feel gross or down about myself, I have been trying to turn to God.  To ask Him to remind me of who I am in His eyes.  To thank Him for all He has blessed me with (skinned knees and all).

In church on Sunday (yes, I finally go to make it to church!), we sung the song "Before the Throne of God Above."  I want to share the words with you, because they really struck me and have stuck with me this week.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:A great High Priest, whose name is Love,Who ever lives and pleads for me.


My name is graven on His hands,My name is written on His heart;I know that while in heaven He standsNo tongue can bid me thence departNo tongue can bid me thence depart.


When Satan tempts me to despair,And tells me of the guilt within,Upward I look, and see Him thereWho made an end to all my sin.


Because the sinless Savior died,My sinful soul is counted free;For God the just is satisfiedTo look on Him and pardon meTo look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there, the Risen LambMy perfect, spotless righteousness,The great unchangeable I am,The King of glory and of grace!
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His bloodMy life is hid with Christ on high,With Christ, my Savior and my GodWith Christ, my Savior and my God


No matter what is going on, this song reminds me of the God I serve.  Of the God I love who also loves me.  The God who knit me together, who knows my innermost thoughts and feelings.  When I lost track of that, I need to remember who the One is that has my name written on His hands and His heart.

I love that third verse especially the last two lines, where it says "Upward I look, and see Him there Who made an end to all my sin."

Who am I?  I am forgiven.  I am loved.  I am redeemed.  I am set free.

I realize I haven't actually said all that much, but really I just wanted to share that song with all of you.  I'm hoping that as you read it you too are reminded of who you are.  That your identity is not wrapped up in your circumstances or determined by what you do or don't have.  It is wrapped up in your life being "hid with Christ on high."

And with that I must go and pay some attention to my cat who has spent the duration of this post trying to crawl onto my lap :)

Post 18: Waiting

Take a moment to use your imagination.

Imagine a newly married couple.  Across the room you can see a fire roaring while Christmas carols play in the background.  To their right is the tree they chopped down the previous day and decorated.  They are sitting close together as they get ready to play a game.

Now, using your powerful imagination, zoom in a little bit more.  You'll notice the couple is wrapped in blankets.  That there is an oil heater between them.  And that the roaring fire is really just the fireplace channel that they have put on in hopes of warming up.

Friday evening husband and I returned home from work to discover our furnace had stopped working.  We got someone in that night.  But he couldn't fully fix it.  So we were told it would get fixed the next day.  After a lovely little fiasco on Saturday, someone did come, only to tell us what had been diagnosed the previous day as a problem wasn't the problem.  So they had to order a part but we were told we would have heat the next day.  The next day rolled around (this would be the wrapped in blankets with the fireplace channel on day), only no part and no technician showed up.  After three nights and going into what is now our fourth day without heat, I am patiently waiting for the technician to show up with the part and fix our furnace.  He should be here any minute.

This wasn't quite the weekend we had anticipated having.  My sister-in-law and her husband were up for the weekend, so it was supposed to be a time of getting and decorating trees, playing games, and just visiting.

Instead, husband and I spent most of the weekend waiting for furnace guys to show up.

It was still a good weekend.  On Saturday morning we went with my in-laws to go chop down Christmas trees.  I have only ever done this once before (two years ago with a friend), and have never actually had a real tree (can't decorate them as early as fake trees ;) ).  So this was pretty exciting for me.  After having coffee, husband and I returned home to wait for our technician.  We set up the tree and decorated it.  It is resting in our bay window and in my mind it looks perfect!

Saturday night we went back to Jordan's parents' place to have dinner and spend time with the family.  We then got a not-so-nice call from the tenants that resulted in our having to leave and return home.  I think I have done better this weekend with showing grace than I did the other week with the recycling bins.

Sunday was frustrating.  It wasn't that many posts ago that I shared my excitement for advent.  Between being sick one week and having to wait for a technician the next, I have thus far missed the first two advent services.

I have never enjoyed the waiting game.  Knowing there is nothing you can do to make something come faster.  Knowing your hands are tied and all you can do is wait.  But there is often a great deal to be learned through the process of waiting.

I know a lot of people who are waiting.  And they are waiting for a variety of things.  Some for guidance and direction for the future.  Others for a special someone.  Still others for children.  I have a picture that I moved with me across Canada that is hanging in our hallway.  It is of a bench in a park.

Almost ten years ago I felt like God gave me the word "waiting."  As such, benches have become symbolic to me.

Waiting is hard.  It hurts.  It usually means you are being strengthened and stretched and those are never fun things to go through.  I hate waiting.  Ask my sister what I get like if I have to wait too long for someone to get ready.

But now I think of that bench in the middle of a park.  Waiting is not fun and it is not easy.  It is horrible to not know what you are waiting for, or when what you are waiting for is going to come, or even if it will come.  It tears you up inside.  It leaves you feeling abandoned and alone and cold.  But there is something about that bench that brings peace.

There can be peace is the waiting.

Jordan and I have gotten pretty frustrated this weekend.  But we have also prayed.  And I think what has struck me the most is how every time we come to God we leave thankful for what we do have.  We don't have heat and we're freezing.  Our tenants don't have heat and they're freezing.  But we have a house.  We have the ability to get our furnace fixed.  We were still able to get our Christmas tree.  We could still spend time with our family.  Despite everything going on with the furnace, it is still cheaper than they originally thought it would be.  And we still have each other.

We have had to wait.  But we are learning to be thankful.  We are learning to see the ways that God has blessed us and is still blessing us even as we wrap ourselves in blankets and turn on the fireplace channel.

I realize no heat might seem little compared to what other people are waiting for.  And maybe you will read this and feel like I have no compassion for what you are going through and I don't really understand.  And in some cases you're right--I probably don't understand.  But I do believe there is peace in learning to give thanks in every circumstance.

And so, as I continue to wait on the technician to show up, I will continue to give thanks.  I will thank God that I had a house to clean this morning and the supplies to clean it with.  I will thank God that I could get up and have breakfast with my husband before he went to work.  I will thank Him for the grace He has given me in dealing with our tenants this weekend.  I will thank Him for reminding me to turn to Him during this time.

I will give thanks, and while I wait I will rest in the peace that He is Immanuel.

Post 17: Stumbling at the Start of Advent.

I apologize for not writing last week.  I ended up getting called in to supply teach fairly regularly and then by Thursday I was getting sick.  Husband and I spent the weekend trying to get better (while also going to Niagara Falls with my in-laws).  While the wind and cold water spray probably didn't help our being sick, I was pretty excited to finally get to see the falls.  And I definitely fell in love with Niagara-on-the-Lake.  I had never been to Niagara, so it was wonderful to get to go.  And the falls are gorgeous at night with the lights shining on them!  Eating dinner at the revolving restaurant was pretty spectacular too :)

After spending all day Sunday at home resting, we were feeling a little better come Monday.  Which is good since I ended up getting called in to work Monday and Tuesday.  Hence why I didn't write earlier.  Today I ran errands and tutored and then I'm working Thursday and Friday.  As sad as I am that people are getting sick, I really appreciate that it means I'm working four days this week!  Does that make me a horrible person?

There have been some decisions in the last week and a bit since I wrote that I'm proud of.  Others not so much.  Like bursting into tears when my GPS got me lost yesterday.  I was subbing at a school about 45km away.  And the school is close to Toronto, so traffic gets bad.  There was some snow so the highway was gridlocked.  My GPS was taking me on a route that was supposed to be quicker than taking the highway with that kind of traffic.  The problem was the road it wanted me to take was actually closed.  And my battery ended up dying on my phone.  And I didn't know where I was or how to get back to an area that I knew.  And it was dark and raining/snowing.  I believe the last text I sent my husband was I'm lost.  Battery is dead.  Poor guy.

I sobbed.  I was scared.  I ended up missing tutoring because of how late I was.  And I prayed.  As unhappy as I am with how I bawled my eyes out and how much I screamed at my GPS, at least I remembered to pray.  And at just the right moment I looked through my teary eyes and saw a small sign pointing me towards the 403.

I have never been so happy to make it onto a gridlocked highway in all of my life.  It took me two and a half hours to get home, but I made it home.  I was safe.

The moment I`m really not happy about happened last Wednesday.  After my previous post about advent, I felt challenged to look at my life.  What would it look like if I lived as if I actually believed God is with me.  And the way I felt the most challenged to put this into action was with our tenants (our house is a duplex--we live in the top unit and rent out the bottom unit).  For the most part they are really good tenants.  But, as happens when you interact with people, sometimes I get annoyed with them and they get annoyed with us.  Anyway, I felt like God was calling me to love them.  And I figured I could manage that.

So last Wednesday morning I woke up.  It was garbage day so as I put our garbage and recycling out, I noticed they had not put their recycling out yet.  Normally their bins are out before ours.  So I grabbed them and put them out too.

I have to be honest with you all--I felt pretty self-satisfied with myself for doing this.  I know--pretty sad.  Definitely Christ-like, right?  Or not.  Then I got home.  And I noticed that their bins were back on the porch.  Ours were not.  Ours were knocked over on the yard.

So I went inside and through a hissy-fit.  I am really not proud of myself.  In less than twelve hours I went from feeling like I could really try to love like Christ, that I could emulate Him, to stomping around my house and feeling abused.

Talk about an epic failure.

But there is something I have learned about God.  And it's that He bestows grace upon me.  I know I'm going to stumble.  And He knows this too.  But I do honestly want to live my life as one that glorifies Him.  I love Him and I want to show His love to others.  So by His grace I can try again.

So with those humbling thoughts in mind, I will now go cuddle with my cat who is very patiently waiting to get on my lap (he's not allowed to sit on me when I blog... he kind of gets in the way of my typing), and return to watching the Michael Buble Christmas special.

*This is him waiting to be allowed on my lap*

But I would like to challenge others to think about what it means to live believing that Jesus truly is Emmanuel.  At this time of year it is really easy to get caught up in ourselves or our immediate family and friends.  Or we can give money to the Salvation Army or donate food to the food bank.  And all of those are great, please don't get me wrong.  But I think of Jesus loving those who were deemed unloveable.  And I feel challenged.  Who is there for you to love right now?  What would it look like to love them as Jesus does?

Post 16: Whatever Jingles your Bell

Thus far this week has been much better than last week.  No more wrong turns on one way streets and as a whole I have just felt better this week.  I picked up another student for tutoring, so I now tutor four high school kids. So I have that solid work 4-5 days a week which is fantastic.  And I'm still in schools about two to three days a week as well.  Yesterday I was only supposed to sub half the day at the high school and they called me in the morning to see if I was free for the whole day.  I'm only there for the last block of the day today, but the grade nines I will be hanging out with kept smiling and greeting me in the hall yesterday, telling me how excited they are that they get to have me (I believe one girl told me she was "Having a party in her head").

Several kids are starting to recognize me from church now (some had my husband as their youth leader is past years, and I do so love it when we walk into church and are greeted as "Jordan and Mrs. Visser").  As I was telling my husband about my day even he remarked "Those kids really seem to like you."

And it feels good.  I miss having my own classes, and I have found myself really missing my past students, especially with Christmas drawing close.  We started doing a little bit of decorating around the house this past week and as I opened one box I found all of my Christmas cards from last year.  I hadn't realized I had saved them what with moving and all, but I guess I had.  I read through them all, I saw each student's face pop before my eyes.  And it made me miss them so much.  All of their quirks.  Their smiles and laughs.

I love the challenge of supply teaching and trying to build relationships in a short period of time.  But boy do I miss having my own set of classes with students I get to see and touch base with everyday.

(Some of the little bits of decorating we have done).

But I got to do something this week that I didn't do last year and that I find very therapeutic.  I made Christmas cards.  And our cat decided to help me.

I'm not the most artistic person you will ever meet.  And my Christmas cards do not even come close to comparing with a lot of what I have seen people make.  But they are my chance to be a little creative in an artistic manner, and I am happy with how they look.  And I suppose Mortimer is too :)

So after a morning of cleaning, running, and organizing, I'm finally sitting down to rest for a bit before I have to head out to teach and then tutor afterwards.  Which means I'm drinking some chocolate chili chai (courtesy of David's Tea) in what to this day remains my all time favourite mug (thank you, Ashley.  You have such good taste).

Yup, that is an actual bell in my mug.  And it jingles every time I take a sip.  Seriously love this thing.  I can't wait for November to hit so that I feel I am justified in drinking from it.  Especially since we got snow this week, so I get to stare out our window and old homes dusted with white.

This feels like a strange post as I have shared a lot but nothing super deep.  I think today I just feel a little tired as I look over the last week or two.  Tired but very content.  And excited.  Christmas is coming and that always turns me into a little girl again.

One thing I'm really excited about is getting to be at the same church for most of Advent (I think we will only miss Christmas Eve).  Growing up we had Advent in the Anglican church (though I didn't really appreciate it at the time), and then in the Pentecostal church we attended it wasn't celebrated.  While going to a Mennonite church in Prince George and again in Williams Lake, I got to experience it, but the season was always broken up by visits or returning home for Christmas.

I love that idea of waiting in anticipation.  I keep thinking about the idea of Immanuel, and what it means for God to truly be with us.  I think of the changes of this year, gaining a husband but moving away from my immediate family, being close to my extended family but losing my Opa, forming relationships with my new family but also adjusting to difficulties of making close friends in a new place.  And God has been with me through each of the changes and adjustments.

We have a new associate pastor at our church, and when he preaches he likes to focus on the New Testament as fulfillment of the Old Testament.  Several weeks ago when he spoke he talked about the Ark of the Covenant and God's specific directions for making it.  About who was allowed to go near the Ark and who wasn't.  Who had access to God and who had to go through the High Priest.  About the lid of the Ark that had a cherubim on either side.

Then he took us to the Gospel of John where Peter and John come upon the empty tomb.  Where they come to the place where Jesus had been.  Where they see the stone his body had been set to rest.  And where two angels are sitting on either side.

Jesus' death and resurrection allowed us full access.  Because He became "God with us," we are now able to come before Him as we are.  He fulfilled the purpose of the Ark.

And so  in the next 34 sleeps leading up to Christmas (not that I'm counting or anything), I want to remember the Jesus came to be God with us.  I want to emulate Him and be aware of His presence.  I don't want to forget about Him or keep Him in the background in my girlish excitement for seeing family and friends and decorating my new house and drinking out of Christmas mugs.  I want Advent to be a season where I remember who He is and that He is present.  Where I celebrate what He has done, and look forward with eager anticipation to what else He has is store.  I want to join with the angels announcing Christ's birth, and sing "Glory to God in the highest."  May my life truly worship and glorify Him.

Post #15: Wrong Way on the One Way

I have actually been meaning to write this post since Monday.  And then life kept on happening.  Like I woke up Monday morning to my first official call-in as a supply teacher (all of my other teaching has been scheduled).  So I drove 45 minutes to teach for the morning, returned home, showered (wasn't left much time for that by the time they called me in), and headed out for tutoring.  Tuesday I was called in again but since I couldn't work a full day I ended up not going in.  But boy did I clean the house!  Wednesday was another call in. Thursday was cleaning and errands and working out and tutoring.  I thought I would have time earlier today, but between more errands, tutoring, running, cleaning, and touching base with my Mom, sister, and sister-in-law, this is my first moment to really sit down.

If anything doesn't make sense, please blame it on the fact that I'm also watching The Walking Dead  while writing.  Husband and I just finished dinner and so this is our evening show (we are getting me caught up so that we can start watching season 5).

I had an interesting moment this morning.  We went to a dinner and silent auction for a local kids group called City Kidz.  We ended up winning some of the items we bid on, so I went to pick them up.  I typed the address into my GPS and set out.

My GPS told me to turn left.

So I did.

My GPS told me to turn left on a one way street.

It neglected to mention that by going left I would be going the wrong way on said one way street.

So after slamming on my breaks and briefly stopping traffic so I could get myself turned around, I pulled into a parking lot and cried.  Then I continued on my way.

I wish I could remember all of the sermon I heard on Sunday.  We had had a guest pastor, and I remember liking the sermon, but by today I could no longer remember it.  But he made one comment that I did remember.  He talked about learning this summer that if you want to understand a character in a story, you need to read the first words they say and the last words.  So he showed us the first words Jesus said that are recorded in the book of John.  They are "What do you want?"  Then he showed us the last ones.  "Follow me."

Those words have been ringing in my mind all week.  The idea that if we really want Jesus like so many of Christians say they do, then we need to lay down our lives and follow Him.

Yesterday on my run I started listening to a Matt Chandler podcast on women.  He was doing a series on men and women.  Before anyone gets their backs up about egalitarian versus complimentarian, know that I'm not going to get into that.  But that I want to share what he said in one of the podcasts I continued listening to today.  He was talking about the hurdles women face, and how they tend to fall into one of (or both of) two buckets: comparison and perfectionism.  I only got through most of the part on the comparison but it hit home way to close.  Chandler shared how women actually tend to check out other women more than they do men because they are constantly comparing how they measure up to others.

I'm going to share something that is really difficult to share on a blog that anyone can read.  But I believe my struggles are not unique to me, and I'm hoping that by sharing others might be encouraged.

I am a woman.  So it probably won't come as a shock to you to discover that I struggle with my self-image, specifically my body image.  Three to four years ago I weighed about twenty-five pounds more than what I do right now.  It took me until I was about 25, but I finally discovered a love of running and Jillian Michaels DVDs that led to shedding the weight and keeping it off.  I am in the best shape of my life.

But every morning I get on my scale.  And if my weight has gone even remotely up I berate myself.  If it doesn't go back down within a day or two, I begin to feel ugly.  I feel awkward and  frumpy.

And for the last three to four weeks I have continually felt worse and worse about myself.

Here's the thing: I have a husband who daily tells me he thinks I'm beautiful.

And when I feel awful about myself all I crave is him telling me this.

But my husband is not God (don't tell him this :P ).

Which means that I cannot look for my identity in him.

My identity can only be found in God.

I can't spend my time comparing myself to other women and feeling like I will never measure up.  And I also can't spend my time longing for others to affirm me.

If I truly want to follow God like I profess that I do, then I need to be willing to turn to Him.  I need to go to Him with my tears, my worries, my joys, my everything.  I need to strive to be the woman He has called me to be.

I need to remember that above all else I am His child.  I'm made in His image.  He loves me enough that He sent His Son.  He formed me and created me and in His eyes I am a work of art (I'm biting my metaphorical tongue to keep from making a self-deprecating joke about side art).

There is something very humbling about realizing that you are going the wrong way on a road. About knowing that the thing you have become so dependent on, your GPS, can lead you so wrong. But sometimes God gives me those moments as a picture for what is going on in my life.

So here's to remember Who my identity is based in.

Post #14: Truth, Love, and Sacrifice

It is Friday.  I know, you're probably thanking me for stating the obvious right now.  Oh well, I shall ignore sarcasm and accept such thanks :)

This week has felt like a different one than usual.  I worked and tutored, but Husband was out of town for three days and two nights doing sales, so it was definitely strange adjusting to having him gone.  I feel like a wimp for hating the absence.  After all, we did two years of long distance so two nights should be nothing, right?

Wrong.  I'm apparently the world's biggest suck!

Thanks to how my supply work worked out this week, I got to return to running four days a week, which feels fantastic.  Add to that a slightly more energetic two hours of volleyball on Wednesday night and my body is telling me it is happy.  But also a tad bit on the tired side.

This morning when I went for my run I actually had to stop and take in the view.  The street I was on was littered with leaves, the trees lining said street still had some leaves, and the sun was casting its early morning, golden hue on the world.  It was stunning.  I returned home to look at the pictures I had taken of it with my phone and all I could think was, "Well done, Lord."  I can't help but have my breath taken away by the artistry of His hands.

Now if only He had gifted me with a little more of that artistry :)

This has been a week full of all kinds of thoughts and I'm not sure which one to touch on.  So maybe I will mention them all and you can take from that what you will.

On Sunday, Husband and I were reading out of Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage book.  I read it a few years ago as a single person and it is an incredible read, no matter what stage of life you are in.  My blog at that time, "Annals of a Christian Single" is full of posts centered around what he had to say.  But the portion we read about over the weekend really got me thinking.  It had to do with the idea of selfishness.  With us wanting our way no matter the expense.  With not thinking about what your partner needs because you are only looking out for yourself.

I know I am guilty of this, but what really struck me is how this applies to more than just our marriage relationships.  Think of our friendships.  Of parents and children.  Of co-workers.

We live in a culture that tells us to only look out for ourselves.  That no one else is looking out for you, so take care of your wants and needs above all else.

Contrast this with the image of Jesus laying down His life.  With the idea of denying ourselves if we want to follow Him.

All of this is swirling around in my head when we get to church and our assistant pastor speaks about love.  Several weeks back we heard another sermon about choosing to love.

I'm married and have only been married for not quite four months.  I'm going to be honest--it is really easy to love my husband.  He's incredible.  

But what about those students that really get on your nerves?  Or when you're out for a run and a guy decides he doesn't want to stop at the stop sign but wants to keep on driving, hoping you'll avoid him?

What about my compassion for others?  

I have been really disappointed in myself lately.  I've noticed that my patience seems to be slipping at times, specifically when I'm driving.  I know this sounds silly, and some of you may brush this off and roll your eyes at me, but it is true.  I get really frustrated with other vehicles (whether I'm driving or running or walking).  My first reaction to call out what they are doing that is annoying me (either to myself, to God, or to Husband).

And I don't like myself when I get like that.  I honestly don't believe that that is me modelling Christ's love.

In a podcast this week, Keller was talking about Truth and Love, and how God possesses both and gives us the right amount of each when we need it.  When I was younger, I was all love.  You could walk all over me and I would smile (and then go home, lock myself in my bedroom, and cry).  If someone was crying, I would start crying.  If someone needed a hug, I was there to hug them.  One of my best friends was all truth and we used to joke that together we made the perfect person.

At times I feel like I have completely jumped to the other side now.

I want to love others.  I want to show God's truth, but I also want to show His love.  I want to be what is needed when it is needed.

So there are my thoughts from this weekend.  Now I'm going to go curl my hair and continue to ponder them.

Post 13: A Chance of Snow

Well, it is Friday!  And it is Halloween.  I have a bowl of candy waiting by the door and am preparing to hand it out.  Might not be my favourite holiday (okay, I don't really like it), but I am still looking forward to getting to give out candy at my own house :)

It is also supposed to snow tonight.  We will see if anything comes of that but it would be a little exciting to see some white.  It might even lead to making some Christmas cards this weekend.

Today I supplied in a shop class.

Yup.

The woman who may or may not have snipped her finger while trimming floor stems was in a room full of power tools.

That being said, I didn't have to operate any of them.  Instead I got to watch an episode of Holmes Makes it Right.  Which, let me tell you, is a pretty awesome way to spend a period of class!  I also got to teach an English class I absolutely love (the kids in it are the greatest), and an information technology class that students I have taught before kept trying to get into.

At lunch time I ran into a teacher who asked my name.  Turns out I subbed for her a few weeks ago (taught French and Family Studies).  She said when she got back her students raved to her about how good I was and how much they liked me.  So she went and talked to the vice-principal about that.

Getting that kind of feedback is always incredible to hear.  It is hard being a supply teacher sometimes because you don't always get to hear if you are doing a good job.  Having her say that to me just completely made my day.

I feel as if I should have something deep to share but to be honest today I don't.  It has been a week of teaching (everything from shop to Senior Kindergarten), tutoring, and getting all my paperwork figured out so that I can finally get my name changed on some ID and get my car transferred over to Ontario (yes, I know I'm a little late on that one).  So now that I'm home I have changed into some comfy clothes (including Christmas socks that I get teased about), huddled on the afghan my sister-in-law made us for our wedding while Mortimer (our cat) sits on my legs, while just writing a quick update.

The sky is darkening and the tree outside our living room window is a bright yellow that keeps drawing my attention towards it.

So I'm going to allow the gloomy, mysterious feeling of the weather and time of day to lull me into a place of restfulness.  I will put out the novel I'm currently reading (A Time to Kill by John Grisham), snuggle a little deeper under this blanket with my cat, and disappear into the world of fiction.

Post 12: The Sun Shines

Well, it has been a week.

Friday evening my husband came home from work with a beautiful fall bouquet of flowers for me (I may or may not have tried to cut my index finger off while trimming stems... and my finger may or may not still be bleeding).  We took the evening easy and watched some light-hearted television.  Saturday morning my in-laws stopped in for coffee.  They brought me another gorgeous bouquet of flowers and wanted to see how I and my family were holding up.  That afternoon hubby and I hopped in the car and drove north to be near my family.  Sunday night was the viewing and I was amazed by the almost 300 people who came to pay their respects.  Monday was the funeral.  I held it together most of that day until we got to the church.  As the casket was taken  out of the hearse and into the building, we watched as police officer got out of his car and stood at attention, saluting my Opa.  As the casket left the church at the end of the funeral the officer was there again and still saluting.  I'm crying just remembering that.

What has been so hard is that I didn't know my Opa as well as my cousins.  As I listened to the stories they told about him I found myself struggling.  I was thrilled they had those memories, but I was also a little jealous.  I felt robbed of the chance to get to know him better.  To hear his stories.

I'm not anger and I'm not upset at God.  I just feel like I missed something and it is something I won't get back.

On the other hand I must say that if there is one way my family copes with tragedy it is through laughter.  I can't remember the last time I cried as much as I did this last weekend.  But I also can't remember the last time I laughed like this.  Whether it was getting a manicure with my Oma and walking around modelling our hands, or sitting down at the viewing before everyone showed up and listening as my family started talking about floral arrangements in a manner that again led to laughter... joy was still present.

On Tuesday evening our elder knocked on the door.  Jordan had called him before we left for the funeral to let him know what had happened.  Do you know what it is like to find out that your church was praying for you on Sunday?  To have your elder show up with a card and flower and personally tell you how sorry he is about your loss?

Despite all that has happened I have felt so blessed this last week.  There have been so many texts, phone calls, emails, messages, and notes from people letting me know that they care.  That my family is in their prayers.  That they are so sorry for what we are going through.  In a time where it felt like I didn't have the energy to even pray, there were others out there going to God for me.

Our elder made mention of something that stuck with me.  He talked about praying our tears.  Which is also the title of a Tim Keller sermon.

Tears are a part of life.  So is sorrow.  Jesus even cried.  As I listened to Keller's sermon he talked about how the majority of the Psalms are Psalms of lament.  But the last few are straight praise.  And how no matter how horrible a time we are going through, if we continue to take that pain and those tears to God, to continually come to Him and keep our eyes on Him, our prayers and laments will one day become praise.

After a weekend of rain, today is a beautiful, brisk, autumn day.

And as the sun shines I am reminded of God's faithfulness.

Post 11: My Hardest Day as a Teacher

I was supposed to sub in a grade 8 class from 9-2 today.  At 7:40 this morning I received a call to come in earlier to fill in for a different teacher in the morning.  They needed me in as soon as possible.

I had to sub in a Senior Kindergarten (SK) class for the morning.  And it was the hardest teaching experience of my life.

Not because I'm more middle school and high school oriented.  But because about twenty minutes before the school called me, I received another call.

This call was telling me that my Opa had passed away in his sleep.

I have never had someone close to me die before.  When a novel describes a character feeling as though they have been punched in the stomach... well, I understand that feeling now.

One of the reasons I was excited to move to Ontario after getting married was because I knew I would be closer to all of my extended family.  Labor Day weekend my husband and I got to go and have coffee with my Oma and Opa during an afternoon.  I loved knowing they were near.  Some of my favourite pictures from my wedding are of my Opa and I.

So right now I hurt.  And my family hurts.  I'm afraid this post won't contain any great tales or spiritual reflections.  Really it is just a request that you would keep my family in your prayers.  We are all congregating together this weekend and your thoughts would be more than appreciated.

Good-bye, Opa.  I'm so glad I got to have coffee with you before you left.  I'm so thrilled you got to make it to my wedding.  You will be so greatly missed.  I love you.

Post 10: Having Tea with Tolkien, MacDonald, Keller, and Lewis

As I write this I am sitting down with a nice cup of tea.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a "mood mugger."  What this means is that I have a hard time drinking my hot drinks (tea, coffee, cocoa, cider...) out of just any mug.  I can often be seen throwing open the cupboard doors and just staring at the assortment of cups, waiting for one to speak to me.  I know, I'm strange.  One of the saddest things I have had to do over the last year and a bit is get rid of my cup collection (I wish I was joking but when I packed up all of them after my undergrad I had about 60).  I am beginning to fear that this blog is only going to cause more people to wonder about my sanity!

The point is, today's tea can be found in a yellow mug with white polka dots.  For the record, this mug was part of my husband's collection, not mine :)  And the tea shimmers.  It is called "Glitter and Gold" and as such has a slight sparkle to it.  And my cat is enjoying the comfort of my lap and arms as I attempt to write.

Believe it or not I tell you all of this for a reason.  As I sat down with my drink and watched the glint of gold in my cup, the line "All that is gold does not glitter" run through my head.  I knew it was from a Tolkien poem, but couldn't remember the rest of it.  So I looked it up and am going to share it with you.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And the only word the arose in my mind after reading this was "Hope."  While this is a prophecy about Aragorn, Tolkien's words still ring true.  Throughout the Lord of the Rings, things seem to go from bad to worse.  There is betrayal, danger, loss, grief, and the world falls deeper and deeper into darkness.  Hope appears to be lost.  This makes me think of the last post I wrote.  Where I think of the people I know who struggle.  Who go through those times where it seems like they have no hope.  Where nothing glitters and all is lost.

I also think the reason this struck me was because it also tied in with the podcast I was listening to on my run this morning.  It was called "Praying our Fears."  I have heard it before, but couldn't remember the details, so I decided to listen again.

He is looking at Psalm 3, which David wrote when he was running into some issues with his son Absalom (Absalom declares himself king, he tries to kill his father... it's a pretty horrible time for David).  Here is the psalm:

1 Lord, how many are my foes!

    How many rise up against me!

2 Many are saying of me,

    “God will not deliver him.”[b]

3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me,

    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

4 I call out to the Lord,

    and he answers me from his holy mountain.

5 I lie down and sleep;

    I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

6 I will not fear though tens of thousands

    assail me on every side.

7 Arise, Lord!

    Deliver me, my God!

Strike all my enemies on the jaw;

    break the teeth of the wicked.

8 From the Lord comes deliverance.

    May your blessing be on your people.

David is at his lowest at this time; he is in a pit of fear and darkness.  Keller says that from verse three on, there are four things David does: follow your thread, relocate your glory, see the substitute, remember the people.  Don't worry, I'm not going to go into depth on each of these, but I just want to show you were my mind is at right now.  

In verse three it says that the Lord is a shield around him.  According to commentaries, there are two types of shields this could be referring to. One is a small shield that is on your arm.  You use it to defend a blow and then you can return a blow with your other hand.  But this wouldn't form a shield AROUND you.  It's too small.  Keller says the other type of shield is the kind you have probably seen in movies.  It is about the size of a door and wraps around your entire arm.

Do you know what the purpose of this kind of shield is?  It isn't to be used to sit back and watch a battle rage.  This is the kind of shield you use when you are following your general in to besiege a city or fortress.  In other words, this is the kind of shield you use when you are about to head into the most dangerous kind of danger.

So what David is saying here is this: in the first two verses of the psalm he confesses his fear.  He tells God he is afraid.  And then he says "BUT you, Lord, are a shield around me."  He isn't saying "I'm scared but I know You won't let anything bad happen to me."  Instead, David is saying "I'm scared, but I know you often take me into danger.  And I know You have a shield around me, but that shield will only work if I follow You and move forward.  I know that no matter how bad things are, You're going to somehow work good things in my life.  You're not going to shield me from arrows and pain and danger, but you're going to shield me in them."

Keller then references George MacDonald's The Princess and the Goblin.  

*Just so you know, I am madly in love with George MacDonald (don't tell my husband).  My cousin and I have discussed what we call our "favourite sexy theologians."  She is more of a Dietrich Bonhoeffer fan, while I totally would have been a MacDonald groupie.  I have read several of his works and so for Keller to reference him in a message I was already really getting into was a pretty big deal.*

He talks about how the story has a princess and the goblins are trying to get her.  She happens upon her grandmother (who she has never met), and asks how to deal with this threat.  The grandmother gives her a ring with a string attached to it and tells the princess that if she is in danger, she should take off the ring, put it under the pillow, and pull it tight, and the thread will lead her.  But the grandmother warns her that it might take her in a roundabout way.

When night falls and the princess finds herself in danger, she does this and the ring starts to lead her out of the room.  But it ends up taking her outside to the mountain.  And then into the mountain.  And the mountain is where the goblins live.  It takes her into darkness and pits and eventually to a pile of rocks.  At this point the princess wants to give up.  She cries.  She feels forsaken by her grandmother who she thought loved her.  Then she thinks that she can at least follow the thread backwards and get back home.  But when she turns around, the thread has disappeared.  It only leads forward.

The princess lost hope.

We all deal with our own hurts.  Our own sufferings.  Our own pains.  And for whoever you are and wherever you are at that pain is huge and can be overwhelming.  When I was dating my husband it was two years of long distance.  And that was hard.  It doesn't compare to those who are married and have to deal with distance.  Or with those who are single and feel alone and rejected.  But for me and where I was at, it was hard.  When my mom had cancer, it hurt.  It also didn't compare to those who have lost people to cancer.  But for us and for where we were, it felt like hell.

And God doesn't promise us that we won't feel those pains.  He leads us through arrows and spears.  Through sorrow and suffering.  It can be hard to not lose hope.  But we must keep our eyes on Him.

And because I don't feel like I can reference Tolkien, Keller, and MacDonald, and not mention CS Lewis, I'm going to end this post off with some quotations from his work A Grief Observed which he wrote while grieving the death of his wife.  I leave you with those because I think they summarize my thoughts better than I ever could.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

Post 9: Rainy Day Reflection

First off, I apologize for not writing last week.  I have made it my goal to write two posts a week, but between working all week and life, there just wasn't the time.  We spent Saturday with my Mom's side of the family who were celebrating Thanksgiving.  There were bows (as in I felt like Katniss Everdeen shooting deer to bring home for food... except it was a crossbow which she wouldn't have used...  and the deer was not exactly real), shotguns, incredible food, brilliant company, and a very warm bonfire.

Today is my one day off (I subbed yesterday and am subbing the next three days -- insert happy dance), so I figured I had better write!

Yesterday I was in a grade five class while teaching some grade six Social Studies.  The kids were a hoot and remembered me from a brief stint I had in their class last week.  I was definitely exhausted by the end of it (I'm used to high schoolers who are dopey and quiet on Monday afternoons... not grade six kids who I could swear were injected with sugar right before I entered the classroom) :)  I'm back in those classes tomorrow, and then Thursday and Friday see me at the high school.

I'm definitely getting some work, which is a great feeling!  Although my house (and especially my cat), don't seem to like that I'm not home as often.  I don't think our cat trusts me anymore.  He sees that I'm home but won't come cuddle unless I'm on the phone (apparently that signifies I'm staying put).  Or maybe he's upset because we locked him out of the room last night.  We try to let him come on the bed.  But he has this somewhat annoying habit of pawing at the wardrobe when he thinks it is time for husband and I to get up and play with him.  Last night he started this pawing as soon as we turned the lights out.  He was out of the room and the door was closed after that!

I went for a run in the rain today, which I always find invigorating.  Thought it wasn't my best run (working means I don't run as regularly), it was good to get out.  And I was listening to a podcast by Matt Chandler that had to do what it means to be made in the image of God.  If we are His image bearers on earth, what does that require of us?

It was an interesting start, but I still have about twenty minutes to go in the sermon and haven't found my thoughts formulated around it enough to write anything.  So while I wait for what I'm baking in the oven (husband's birthday is tomorrow and so dessert must be made today), I will tell you what is on my mind.

I'm thinking about pain.  Hardship.  Suffering.

About feeling as though you were suffocating in your circumstances.

About the fact that sometimes it seems like there is not answer to why we experience what we experience.

How do you comfort someone who is aching?  Who is broken?  What do you say when you cannot begin to understand the depth of what they are feeling?

My cousin was a guest blogger (on a different blog) this past week.  And I want to share with you the link for what she wrote.  Because sometimes we are in pain and if we are completely honest we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Hope becomes myth.  We can read our Bible and pray, but it doesn't always help.  We don't turn our back on God, we understand that He is God and His ways are higher than our own, but that doesn't stop us from wanting to yell and scream.  From wanting to fall at His feet and beg for an answer as to why we have to go through what we go through.  And  then it feels like we are met with silence.

How do we keep on going?  How do we bring our pain to God?  How do we live with our pain, without succumbing to it?

I cannot pretend to understand what my cousin is going through.  Or what other I know have experienced when the teachers were on strike in BC and there were no paycheques coming through.  Or what the beautiful, talented, incredible women I know are feeling right now when it seems like they will be single forever.

I know there is Hope.  And I know there is Peace.  But I also know there are times when it seems like life becomes too much.  Where we are unable to see hints of the light.

And I want those people in my life who are experiencing that to know that I see them.  That I am humbled by the strength and resilience they have shown.  That even though they may not be able to see God right now, I see Him in them.

Thank you.

This is the link to what my cousin wrote:

http://themuckoflife.blogspot.ca/2014/09/guest-post-view-from-other-side-of.html?spref=fb

Post 8: The Cliffs of Insanity

What a week!  There is nothing quite like being an introvert who is constantly meeting new people or having to impress people.  Subbing at two different schools, serving coffee at an open house--all of these are fun events but the truth is they still tire me out.  I get on mental and emotional overload.  It gives me a better understanding of how students react when they are over-stimulated in a classroom.  And maybe that's a better way to put it.  By last night I felt over-stimulated.  I had reached my max and felt like I couldn't handle any more.

My husband took me climbing at an indoor gym last night.  It was my first time and I was definitely nervous (pretty sure I would complete any climbs and would fail miserably).  But as I scaled my first one (which wasn't even graded, so that lets you know how easy it was), I felt like I was Westley in The Princess Bride.  I was climbing the Cliffs of Insanity and I was going to reach the top!  Sadly, there was no Inigo Montoya waiting for me when I touched the ceiling :)

I completed some climbs (these were graded--a 5.2 and a 5.4).  Don't worry if the grading doesn't make sense to you.  All I can tell you is that they were easy ones.  I was stopped by a 5.5 and a 5.6 but have spent my day brainstorming how to tackle them again when we go climbing next.

And today?  Today I hurt.  As I went for my morning run I couldn't figure out why my arms were so sore.  Then I realized it was because they had done something they have never done before.  Anyone who knows me knows I have never climbed and was always too afraid to do so (thanks to a summer of working with electricians and scaling ladders and working on roofs, I have definitely worked towards combatting a fear of heights).  But today my runs were not quite as good as they were yesterday.  But my body definitely feels well worked-out :)

I heard back from yet another school this week.  So I'm now on supply lists for four different schools.  And I'm booked for one full day next week and part of another.  Here's hoping that I get more call-ins!  It definitely feels good to know I have places that will use me though.  I talked with one teacher who said he knows people who graduated from Teacher's College a few years ago and still haven't managed to get on supply lists.  So I am feeling very blessed.

On today's run I was listening to another Tim Keller podcast.  This one was entitled "A Christian's Happiness."  It was based on Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  This is perhaps the number one Scripture that makes everything within me tense up when people quote it.

Why would such a popular verse cause me to want to rip my clothes, weep, and gnash my teeth (how's that for imagery)?  Because people tend to have strange ideas about what it means for God to work things for good.  This is the verse that I have heard twisted to support the Prosperity Gospel.  "If you just serve God and follow Him and make sure you love Him, everything will be great.  You will be healthy, wealthy, and wise."

*insert gag reaction*

So apparently I still have some issues to work through when it comes to this topic :)

When I realized Keller was going to address this passage, I started to get excited.  I couldn't wait to hear what my favourite pastor had to say about the verse that sometimes makes me want to hurl.  I didn't get a chance to listen to the whole podcast, but I will definitely fill you in when I am done it.  Here is what he did have to say.

He started off by addressing the fact that the Bible is clear that a Christian's joy is not supposed to be subject to circumstances.  He says that no matter what the circumstances, our joy should make us at least quietly happy.  That if we nurture and grow our joy, it will be able to co-exist with, and even overtake, the deepest grief.

He says there are three things, and that knowing and grasping these will help us to strengthen our joy.  Here they are:

1. Our bad things turn out for good (Romans 8:28)

2. Our good things can never be lost (Romans 8:29)

3. The best things are yet to come (Romans 8:30)

Now this was my shorter run of the day, so I only got to listen to what he had to say about the first point, though this is the one I have always struggled with the most because of how I have heard it used.  He gives us three implications of this first point and the first one is the one that really struck me.  Keller says that the first thing we need to realize is that ALL THINGS happen to Christians.  This verse doesn't say that God will take away the bad things and make our lives sunshine and rainbows.  Our circumstances as Christians are no better than anyone else's.  As he puts it, "The first thing this tells us is that terrible things happen to people who love God."

We don't like to hear that.  We don't like to believe that.  But it is still true.  How many of us have gone through pain or suffering?  The year I found out my Mom had cancer just about broke me.  It didn't make sense.  Where was God in that?  Wasn't He supposed to take away all the bad stuff?  Wasn't life supposed to be easier because I was following Him?  I was on the worship team, I was leading youth and young adults at my church, I even led a Wednesday night prayer group.  How could He let my Mom get sick?

Because terrible things still happen to people who love and serve God.

Keller then goes on to say that another implication of his first point is that when things work together for good, we know it is because of God.  He comments how Paul doesn't say "things work together for good."  Things can't work together for good on their own.  This chapter in Romans tells us that things fall apart.  We live in a world that is fallen, and because of this it is broken.  Everything falls apart, it decays, and so they don't come together on their own.  As Keller puts it, "If anything goes good that's a miracle of grace."

That year with my Mom was one of the hardest of my life.  My faith was stretched to the point where it felt like butter spread over too much bread (thank you, Bilbo Baggins).  But it didn't break.  God grew it.  Later that same year the doctors could find no more tumors.  Six years later my Mom is still cancer free.  Four years after this time, though, one of the most incredible women I know was diagnosed with breast cancer.  And it shook me up again.  I had the pleasure to teach this woman's son and coach her daughters.  They are an incredible family.  And again, it didn't make sense how God could let this happen.

The summer I found this out I started meeting with one of the woman's daughters.  We would go for tea dates about once a week.  And for the first time I saw "the good" that came from what I went through when my Mom had cancer.  I realized that because of what I experienced and felt and went through, I was able to help someone who was going through the same thing.  I could be a sounding board, I could hear the hurt and the anger towards God, and I could help.  God took something horrible, something that still brings tears to my eyes, but He used it for good.  He worked it for good.

Stay tuned for more from this sermon.

Post 7: The Grade 5 Gym Class

Hello, couch.  I must confess, you do feel wonderful today :)

Today has been one productive day.  After an early start I got to head to work with my husband to help him and my in-laws with an open house for work.  I got to make sandwiches (hello, seven years of deli experience), make coffee, chat with people, and just fulfill little roles.  It was a lot of fun.  At lunch time I had to leave for an interview at an elementary school.

Well, it wasn't really much of an interview.  I had been interviewed by this principal in May for a full-time position at the school, so we had already talked and he had even called one of my references.  This was more of an "Congrats, we want you as a supply teacher!  Let me show you around the school!  Hey, want to work the last 45 minutes of the day and come in tomorrow for an hour and a half?"

That's right!  I went for an interview and ended up working!  I got to teach PE to a hilarious class of grade 5 students who had so much energy I couldn't help but laugh and feel both invigorated and exhausted by being with them.

They knew they were having a supply teacher, so one of the girls snuck out of the changeroom to get a look at me.  After gaining assurance I would be their teacher, she ran back into the changeroom calling out, "She is gorgeous!  Absolutely gorgeous!"

Kids can be so good for a person's self-esteem :)

I left the school booked to sub tomorrow for an hour and a half.  I then checked my phone.  Do you remember a few weeks ago when I talked about a school that seemed really interested in me?  Well I never heard back from them so I had kind of given up.  Apparently I shouldn't have done that.  They emailed me not to interview me, but to see if I was available next week to sub.

And so after facing highway traffic, running some errands, and dropping hubby off at class I now find myself at home.  I did some laundry (we were both a little too tired yesterday to do it), and now I am sitting, my cat at my side.  He is not so big a fan of my being gone during the days.  I think he was rather fond of our days being spent with him following me from room to room and cuddling with me as we watched tv or worked on the computer.

I feel good.  I have still been struggling with not feeling like I'm busy enough or productive enough, and by the end of today I felt really proud of what had been accomplished.  And so blessed.  I talked with another teacher today and he told me that he has friends who graduated from Teacher's College a few years ago and are still having trouble getting on supply lists.  God has blessed me so much.  Considering I have moved across the country, I have managed to find work.  I have family and friends afar and near that are so supportive.  And in those moments of rest I have a cat to cuddle with and a husband who constantly encourages me.

And so as I sit here and relax for a few minutes before I head out to pick hubby up, I will rest in the knowledge that I am blessed.  So blessed.

Post 6: Bye-Bye, Week

What a week!

I had had every intention of doing two posts this week like usual, and just couldn't find the time.  Or energy.  Or a combination of both.  But it has been a great week!

We went camping over the weekend which was a blast.  On Tuesday I had an interview with a tutoring agency and was hired.  Wednesday I began subbing.

I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it was to be back in a classroom!  I had missed teaching and interacting with students.  And I had some pretty crazy students too--which always makes things more fun and interesting :)  Husband was out of town on Wednesday, and so I went for dinner with my mom-in-law and then joined her to play some volleyball that night.  I haven't played volleyball really since high school (coaching doesn't count since I didn't actually play), and I wasn't very good in high school.  But it was so much fun to get out!

On Wednesday night I may have broken the rules a little bit.  Our cat hasn't been allowed to sleep in our room because we have a new bed and we were a little concerned about what he would do to the box spring.  So naturally, me being the rule-follower that I am, I let him sleep with me all Wednesday night.  He seemed to rather enjoy stealing my man's spot :)

On Thursday I actually got to sub for the whole day, so I was teaching four different class--ESL, two Englishes, and a History.  Minus the nervous part of the day where I had to go into the staff room at lunch and try to talk to other people I don't know (scarier than teaching, I kid you not), it was just a really fun day.  I found out that my high heels intimidate students everywhere, not just in BC.  And apparently intimidation is what I do!

Today was another half day, but as I was sitting at the dining room table before leaving my phone notified me that I had an email.  So I checked and one of the elementary school I had contacted in August was emailing me about setting up an interview next week for supply teaching at their school!  So I'm pretty excited about that!

I returned home from an exciting morning of teaching only to collapse on the couch and sleep for about 3.5 hours.

I sometimes don't realize how stressed I allow myself to get over things.  But between the interview, working in a new environment, and meeting new people, and all of this following a weekend of being outdoors and active, I was thoroughly exhausted when I got home.  I should have clued in to this when I fell asleep last night while my husband was putting together drawers for under our bed (huzzah!).

So I'm afraid that I don't have anything deeper to add to this post, just an update on the week and a way of keeping myself accountable to writing!

Post 5: The Wind's Song

Today has felt like what one might call a "productive day."  It began with a run.  Then there was a lovely break where skies opened and torrential rains poured forth while I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, and then dusted.  I then snuck away for another short run (thunder and rain are marvelous motivators to run faster), which was followed by vacuuming and washing the floors.  Then I received a call from the school I supply for asking if I was available for three days next week (insert fist pump and squeal of glee).  After making myself presentable I grocery shopped, started laundry, and got the spare room ready for some company we are having tonight.

And exhale.

Now I'm drinking tea and eating a banana chocolate chip muffin that I made earlier this week.  And the combination is heavenly.

I'm pretty excited at the thought of getting to be in a classroom.  Nervous, but I always am before meeting new classes.  I always told my students I felt physically ill on the first day of a new class.  They never believed me, but it is the truth.

I also applied on some tutoring jobs and I have a possible interview next week.  So that is also exciting.

The wind is blowing through the trees outside our living room window and I find the song they create so soothing.

Sometimes I could swear God uses things like that just to get my attention.  No sooner had I written the sentences about the trees and wind than the wind died down to little more than a light breeze.

There has been a lot going through my head this week.  Between house work, getting errands, looking for tutoring work, and doing everything in my power trying to not let not having regular hours get to me, my brain has been rather busy.

For the last two days I have been thinking about what I was going to write.  I heard a good podcast that looked at Abraham interceding on behalf of Sodom and Gomorrah.  It showed how that event was a foreshadowing of when Christ would come.  Honestly, I found it fascinating.  Today I started listening to another podcast that had to do with being a living sacrifice.  And again, it was fascinating.  So I have been organizing my thoughts and trying to think of what to say and how to say it.

And then the wind blows through the trees and their rustling tune causes me to stop.

To be still.

You see, growing up I was probably the laziest person you would have ever met.  If you don't believe me, ask any member of my family, they will attest to it.  If I had a day off you had better believe all I would do is sit and read or watch tv, and eat.  Clean up after myself?  Heavens, no!  That's silliness!  Go for a walk or a run?  Bah!

Then, about seven or eight years ago, some small groups in our church did a personality study.  And I found that, for the first time ever (I really hate personality studies... but don't tell my students as I made them do them last year), I realized I fit into a category.  I realized this because I could see a lot of the negative attributes in my life.  And one of them was laziness.  So I have spent the last seven or so years doing what I can to be productive.

I still love my laziness.  This last year I would wake up on a Saturday morning, work out, clean my house, and run my errands, just so I could spend the rest of my day being lazy.

It worked.

But I think what is hard for me is that I have worked so hard to better this part of myself, that the thought of anyone thinking I'm lazy just about kills me.  And while I'm on a supply list and I'm applying for jobs and I'm keeping busy, I'm still horrified that people will judge me.

And I know this is silly.  But I have felt myself starting to stress about this as the week has gone on.

And then the wind and the trees call to me.

They grab my attention.

They quiet my heart.

And it's as if in that moment I hear God say, "Be still, Jess.  I see you.  You are mine.  I'm here.  Rest in me."

And so that's what I will do.  

Post 4: The Means or the End?

It was a dark and stormy afternoon...

Yup, I'm in one of those kinds of moods.  The skies have grown rather dark and the rain has started to pour.  I have a pot of tea nearby, candles lit, and a silently sleeping cat beside me.  From my spot in the living room I can look out the window and see a tree across the street whose leaves have already started to turn colour.  In my mind, it is September and that means fall is hear now.  Hence the apple cinnamon candle that is burning versus the lighter frangrances I had in the summer.  This is also why I have actually been accessing my Pinterest account to look at fall decorating ideas.  And baking ideas.

The Labor Day weekend has ended.  When I was on my morning run I was able to see all the parents walking their children to the buses as they began the start of a school year.  And I'm not going to lie, it has felt a little strange for me.  This is the first September where I have not been teaching or going to school myself.  And I really miss it.  But I am also enjoying being home right now.  I like being able to clean and organize the house, bake, run errands, and take care of my husband.  And I'm pretty sure he is enjoying it as well. 

That being said, I am also hoping for some teachers to get sick soon so I can work my way back into a classroom ;)

This was a busy weekend for us.  On Saturday we visited my Oma and Opa and ended up having dinner with an aunt and uncle.  On Sunday, after church and an afternoon of laundry, we went to a cousin's house for a bonfire and a chance to get to visit as well as meet some new people.  By the time we got home yesterday we had a cat who was horrified that we would leave him yet again and we two very tired adults!

I am loving the fact that I can live so close to my extended family.  It has been so much fun to know that they are close and that I can drop in and visit with them.

Lately I have been spending a fair bit of time mulling over the question of identity again.  It has come up in several conversations and so has always been at the back (or the forefront), of my mind.  On this morning's run I was listening to another Tim Keller podcast, and this one was called "The Cosmic King."  Just over seven minutes into the sermon I almost had to stop because I couldn't believe how perfectly Keller's words fit to what has so been on my mind.

He is addressing his congregation and talks about how if you want help with your problems in life, you have to start with "doctrine and dogma."  Here's what he says:

"Unless you start with something outside of you, you'll never find you... You are not the alpha, you can't start with you.  If you start with you you'll never find you.  You have to get out of you to find yourself.  That's the message of the Scripture--unless you start with Him, unless you know Him, you can't know yourself."

Keller is looking at the passage in the Bible where Christ says "I am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end."  This message focuses on what this means.  If Jesus is the alpha, that means we see Him as God--He is our Creator and we are His created beings.  This should frame our context.  Who I am is not who I think I am, or what I see when I look in the mirror or evaluate my intellect--who I am is based in who God is.  I am His. 

Then he goes on to describe this idea of God as the omega.  Keller asks the question: "Is God your end, or your means to your end?"  He looks at the story of Moses and discusses how Moses saw himself as the deliverer of his people.  He had power, education, and authority.  So he killed an Egyptian.  But instead of the Israelites rallying around him, they instead wanted to know who he thought he was.  Moses' end was to lead Israel out of slavery.  His end wasn't God.  Jesus as our omega means that we no longer try to use him as a means to whatever end we want.  Rather, we realize that He is our greatest end.

How many times have we complained to God?  "Lord, I have done this for You, and I have obeyed this.  I'm doing all the right things here.  But my life is falling apart.  Why can't you give me this one thing that I have asked for?"

The reasoning behind this, Keller argues, is that we have our own end in mind and so we are treating God not as our cosmic King and Creator, but as our accomplice.  So when things don't work out the way that we want them to, we believe He has let us down.  That He has failed to hold up His end of the bargain.

Instead we are to view Him as our end, and so if our goal is to glorify Him and to take joy in him, all of a sudden our trials and sufferings take on a different light.  Do they hurt less?  No.  Do they go away?  Definitely not.  But we see them not as examples of God letting us down, but as opportunities to glorify Him.  To learn how to take joy in whatever trials we face because we acknowledge that they can draw us closer to Him.

When I was growing up, it seemed common practice to tell teenaged girls that if they just stopped wanting to be in a relationship and focused on Jesus, eventually that relationship would happen.  What they were trying to say was for us to make Jesus our end, not getting a man our end.  The problem, is that it didn't usually come out this way.  So I know in my experience, as well as in that of other women I have talked to, we still made our ultimate goal trying to find "Mr. Right."  And so God became our means to get that.  We weren't trying to focus on God because we wanted to worship Him or learn to take joy in Him.  We were trying to focus on God because we figured that meant He would bring a man into our lives.  I think of the times I have lamented because it seemed like God was out to get me.  It seemed like He wanted me to be lonely.

He didn't.  But I needed to get my priorities straight.  And I needed to realize that my Alpha, the One who knit me together, was also my Omega.  He was who I needed to keep my eyes on.  He was who I needed focus on.  He wasn't my accomplice in my mission to find a husband.  He was my God who deserved all of me.

There was so much in this message--I really would encourage you to listen to it.  I have a feeling I will be continuing to mull it over for a while.  And I would welcome any thoughts!