Post #39: It is Well

You have to love Facebook “Memories.”  Every day I get by notification telling me what was happing in my life (at least according to Facebook). 

Over the weekend I had a memory that brought up a blog post I had written four years ago.  It had to do with the idea of God “seeing” us.  In the post I recounted the story of Naomi.  I began to realize that even in the midst of Naomi’s pain and uncertainty (a widow whose sons were also dead who moved back home and had no livelihood, just a gutsy daughter-in-law), God still saw her.  And while He didn’t give her her husband and sons back, He gave her Ruth, Boaz, and eventually a grandson to fill her arms.  God saw her.

I mentioned the story of Hannah and how the Bible talks about God “seeing” her.

What I found interesting was how four years later this blog post hit home for me.  A couple days before March Break I found out for sure that the teacher I have been filling in for is coming back. 

That next Thursday (the 31^st), will be my last day working full-time.  I then go back to supply teaching.

I’m not going to lie—that was really hard.

I love teaching.  It is exhausting and draining, but it also so rewarding.  I love watching students grasp concepts.  I love helping them learn new skills.  I love watching how it changes their outlook on life when they realize their teacher cares about them.  Even when I just want to fall into bed at night, I feel like I am fulfilling a purpose for my life. As I came back after March Break I felt a sense of dread knowing that that was coming to a close.

Now I will still get to supply teach.  And the principal has told me that I will go to the top of the list for call-ins; so I don’t doubt I will be kept busy!

But it was still hard.

When I read that post, I was reminded of a time in my life where it felt like I was experiencing God both intellectually and emotionally.  Everything seemed like it was in alignment.  As I read or learned more about who He is, I felt myself also experiencing his presence in a more real and tangible way.  It was a challenging time in my life for numerous reasons, but my relationship with God felt so close.

Over the last year or so I have been talking with a friend and have loved hearing how God has been changing her outlook on life.  She has been getting to know and experience Him in different ways.  I can always count on this friend to ask me what God is doing in my life too.

I sometimes struggle with this question because I feel like I’m in a different place.  I can tell her what I’m learning, but my emotions have felt somewhat disconnected and this concerned me.

On Saturday night I had trouble falling asleep because of everything going through my mind (the job, the fact that our tenants gave us their 60 day notice and we love them, that sort of stuff).  No sooner had I started thinking about this than I just stopped and prayed for peace.  I remember saying, “God, I’m really good at asking You to give others peace in their circumstances.  Please give me Your peace right now through all of this.”

And He did.

I’m still nervous and unsure.  But underlying it all is a peace.  God is not going to stop being God.

I realized that I am once again in a different place.  While I was scared that maybe I was just learning stuff and not feeling an emotional connection, I realized that that learning went deeper. That it had begun to change me and to influence my relationships with God—I just hadn’t realized it yet.

And so right now I am resting in the knowledge that God sees.  That He knows me and sees me, and that even if He doesn’t stop the uncertainty, He is still unchanging. 

While taking up the offering at church on Sunday, the pianist was playing “It is Well.”  I feel like the first verse of that song perfectly speaks to where I am at right now.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll,

Whatever my lot,

Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul

As Easter approaches, it is my hope to remember that this same Saviour who died for me, who loved me, who carried all of my crap on His shoulders, still sees me today.

And it is in that knowledge that I take peace.

Post #38: Uncertainty Leading to March Break

I haven't written in a long time.  Mainly that's just because like has been busy (I was filling in for an extra class, supply teaching, and then asked to finish off the maternity leave that I started last year).

I have wanted to write.

The ideas have been there.

I sat down on two separate occasions to write and both times walked away, deleting those drafts.

But today I feel not that I want to write.  Today I need to write.

Our weather has been funny here this winter.  We will have a week of mild temperatures and then a week of snow (we finally got a snow day last week... which was ridiculous because there was almost no snow).  This week has been warm and feels like spring.  After being couped up I could finally get out.  I leave work, come home, and go for a run.  It has been a nice routine to get back into.

Today's run felt cooler because of the grey skies.  As I look out the window I could definitely believe that we will get the rain they are calling for.

I'm pretty sure I have shared this on my blog before, but if I haven't then know that there is a saying I feel sums up my life fairly well.

The only certainty in my life is uncertainty.

I have been so blessed with job opportunities since coming to Ontario.  The fact is, hours and positions have seemed to just fall into my lap.  And I am so thankful for this.  But it is also hard because I never know what's coming.  The problem with being a supply teacher is the feast-or-famine nature of it.  Just because I have a contract now doesn't mean I will have one when this one ends.

When I was asked to finish off the maternity leave, I was told that they didn't know if the teacher I'm filling in for would be coming back.  So while I'm only hired until the beginning of April, they wanted me to be prepared in case it went longer.

And that was all I heard about the matter.

Which was fine until now.  But now there are only two days left before March break.  And after that only two weeks until April.

Whenever I'm asked how I'm feeling about this position ending I tell people I'm doing fine with it.  God has provided thus far and I have to trust that whether I have a job or not, He is still God.

And that is true.

But I can only fend off uncertainty and fear so long as they battle against what I know to be true.  Sometimes all it takes is one little thing and I feel like I can no longer stand up.

I love the kids I'm teaching this semester.  My Grade 12 Law class is full of students I have taught before who are interested in the topic material.

My Grade 10 Applied English class is full of sweethearts who seem willing to try just about anything I ask them to do.

My Grade 9 Applied English has 16 students, 14 of which are boys.  They are unique and quirky, and they constantly keep me on my toes.  I also have my greatest ups and downs with them.

Sometimes the hard part about working with kids in the applied level classes is that you are dealing with all kinds of behaviors and such.  Which means that, depending on what's going on that day, you could have a content kid who is up for any challenge and is participating in class.  Or you could have a day where they can't control themselves and say or do things that they wouldn't normally do.

Today I had a student ask me how much longer until the other teacher comes back.  As they looked at me pointedly they made sure that I knew that they thought I wasn't a nice teacher (silly me for having boundaries and rules in class), and that they couldn't wait for me to be gone.

I know they said this to get a rise.  I also know that they can't always control what comes out of their mouth.  Which is why I never let it get to me.

But today it did.

Today I came back from my run, sat down, and just started to cry.

Because uncertainty sucks.

Because anyone who knows me knows that I invest so much in my students.  At three o'clock I can't shut my brain off and not think about them until the next day at nine.  I have always been told that what makes me the teacher I am is the rapport that I have with my students.  That is who I am.  I care.
Because no matter how much I try to be tough, I have a heart that very easily turns to mush.  And because nothing hurts me worse that words.

And I know that this too shall pass.

I know that God will continue to be God.  That no matter what my job situation is, He is still in control.  I know that no matter what happens He will continue to make me and mold me to be more like Him.  And that is good.

And I know that the next time I see this student they could very well apologize to me.  That has happened before.

But today my heart feels tender and I just want answers.

But since I probably won't get those in the timing I want, I will continue to press through.  I will remind myself of who God is and of His goodness.

And I will focus on the fact that I leave for the Dominican Republic on Friday morning.