Post 3: Tim Keller, the Hobbit Mug, and the Question of Sin

At this moment in time I have decided to put my feet up and have a cup of tea.  On Monday I received more tea from David's Tea than a girl could have hope for, courtesy of a friend (she felt I needed a birthday present of such proportions).  We also received a wedding present from another friend of mine on the same day.  This friend and I love to drink tea out of what we call "Hobbit Mugs."  These are character pieces that look like something a hobbit would drink out of.  Well, she managed to find mugs for us that not only appeal to the Lord of the Rings fan in each of us, but that also speak to my love of all things Celtic.

So why the long preamble?

Because I am putting up my feet and enjoying my tea in said mug.

I also have a cat on my lap.  He seems to enjoy being a part of this blogging experience.

I was going to read a book, and then realized I hadn't blogged since Monday.  I had intended to write on Wednesday, but we got our kitchen countertops in so that kind of took over.  But the counters look fantastic!  And we can both work in the kitchen comfortably now when trying to prepare dinner!

I don't know... coffee tables, bedroom furniture, counters... I think we're growing up...

Mind you, I type that and then take a look at the Mr. Darcy coaster my mug is resting upon.

This has been a pretty busy week, but definitely a productive one.  I made a supply list on Monday, got countertops on Wednesday, heard from a K-8 school that they are swamped right now but will be looking at their supply list next week and I am definitely on their radar (this was Wednesday as well), got my Ontario driver's licence on Thursday (and what a driving fiasco that was), and then cleaned the house, grocery shopped, and am attempting to prepare a nice dinner for this evening.  I even managed to wipe out on my run yesterday morning (and have the bruise to prove it)!

On this morning's far less eventful run I was listening to podcast by Tim Keller.  The man is brilliant and one of my favourite non-fiction writers and preachers.  He was preaching on the latter half of Genesis 3 and made an interesting point.  The point he makes throughout this message is that Adam and Eve had sinned before they even ate the forbidden fruit.  Keller talks about how they sinned the moment they asked themselves why they should obey God, because sin is when we remove God as the ultimate authority and instead place ourselves in His place.

Keller uses an illustration that really got my attention.He talked about when one of his children was eight and asked if they could drive the car.  Keller talks about how he could've responded by saying "Fine, honey.  Take something that you are absolutely incapable of doing, get in the driver's seat, go ahead.  You'll ruin the car, you'll ruin the family, you'll ruin yourself.  You might survive, you'll be a cripple the rest of your life. Go ahead, just go ahead."  He then goes on to state, "When we decided to get behind the wheel of the universe and behind the wheel of your lives everything began to fall apart.  When we get back under the lordship of Christ, when by the Holy Spirit, by the Word of God, you begin to say 'I want You to be my master"... you begin to heal spiritually [your alienation from God]... psychologically [alienation from yourself]... and socially [your alienation from other people]."

I don't think I have ever heard sin phrased in this kind of a way.  I have heard that there are all kinds of sins, but never that sin is us putting ourselves in God's place.  It made me begin to wonder how many times I sin without even realizing that it is sin.  How would be view of God, myself, and others be different if I made a conscientious effort to be under His lordship?

Post 2: The Siege

It's Monday.  And a beautiful Monday with clear skies and a light breeze.  By the end of my morning run I was definitely feeling the warmth!  My skin is enjoying the humidity of Ontario versus the dryness of central BC where I was last year, that's for sure!

We definitely had a busy weekend (or at least it sure felt busy).  Saturday saw most of our day spent shopping.  But the result was that our living room now has a coffee table and a rug, and our bedroom has a bedframe and two end tables.  I find that every day I feel a little more like a grown up, which is a strange feeling.  I have spent most of my life feeling far older than the years I have actually lived, but now that I'm in my late-twenties and experiencing everything that I am now, I have a hard time believing a really am an adult.  I blame it on nine years of university!

Sunday involved church, coffee at our pastor's house to meet some other young married couples who are interested in starting a small group (definitely excited about the idea of being able to connect with others).  Then there was more shopping, laundry, reading at the edge of a soccer field while hubby practiced with his team, and assembling an end table that night.

My sister likes to tell me that my husband and I are "old souls."  At first we balked at this.  But in the last few weeks the number of times we have looked at each other and one of us has said, "We really are old souls" is somewhat astounding.

So I have a bit of a confession to make.  By the end of last week, I was feeling like a wreck.  I don't like playing the "waiting game."  I was calling schools, making contacts, emailing contacts, trying to set up opportunities to meet with those contacts, and by Friday evening I had had one positive response, three brush offs, one no response, and was still waiting to hear from another school.  Something I had never really realized until I was teaching last year is that I can be very hard on myself.  So despite being told that I was putting in a lot of work and not to worry, I was feeling like a failure.  I'm not the person goes unemployed.  I have always had a job.  I am a very hard worker and as much as I love my relaxing, I want to feel useful and productive (there's a reason why I clean my house more often than it probably needs to be cleaned).

And yes, I get scared about what people will think of me.  Will someone think I'm just lazy because I don't have a job yet?  Will they think I'm not doing enough when I'm doing all that I can do at this moment?

Then comes that awesome moment when you realize you're being hard on yourself and that you need to stop worrying about what others think.  So what do you do?  You beat yourself up for beating yourself up.

Does this supply a sufficient picture?  :)

These feelings of insufficiency began to fade when, while shopping at Ikea on Saturday afternoon, I had an email from one of the schools I had contacted asking me if I could come and meet with the VP on Monday or Tuesday to discuss supply teaching at their school.

The feelings then returned shortly before bed last night when the excitement wore off and the nervousness invaded.

For the last few months I have been working my way through a book by J. Mark Bertrand entitled "(Re)Thinking Worldview: Learning to Think, Live, and Speak in This World."  I sometimes get down on myself because non-fiction seems to take me so long to get through.  But I have come to realize that God's sense of timing is perfect, and it is often because of my slowness that I end up reading things I need to hear.

Around Thursday I started reading a chapter called "A City without Walls: Five Lessons for Siege Warfare."  This chapter was based on the Turkish siege of Constantinople in the 1450s.  I'm still not done the chapter (shocking), but there is something Bertrand says that I want to share with you.

"A siege is not a single battle.  It is a series of skirmishes, a probe here and a test there.  Each side maneuvers for advantage, seeking a weakness that can be exploited... because the dangers of a siege are sustained, they eventually become routine.  The vigilance provoked by fear subsides as the threat grows familiar... a siege offers none of the thrill and none of the finality that our heroic temperaments crave.  It is a constant daily struggle over inches of ground, a monotonous and seemingly pointless conflict."

There is so much that can be drawn from here.  I feel like I could write a rather lengthy essay just on those few lines.  We all struggle.  We all deal with different things.  For me, I know that insecurity is one of biggest struggles, and it plays out in different ways so that I can't always identify it.  Sometimes I'm insecure about how I look and I just walk around feeling ugly.  Sometimes I come down on myself as a teacher and become almost paralyzed by thinking I have failed my kids.  I wonder if people like me.  I second guess how hard I'm working.

About three years ago God really helped me to see how much a part of me insecurity had become.  And He so graciously took me through steps to work at overcoming it.

But something I have realized, is that insecurity is something I will probably always deal with.  There is no one battle that will be fought against it that will leave me free (however much I may wish for that).  It is like a siege.  And it is only my me guarding my "walls" and making sure that they are strong and in good repair, that I will survive and come out stronger.  Sometimes I get so used to dealing with it that I don't bother.  Insecurity becomes routine.

But I do not want to live like that, and I do not believe that God has called me to live like that.  While I believe it is important to reflect upon what I'm doing and how I'm living so as to challenge myself and grow, I need to ensure that I do not go to the opposite extreme of crippling myself because of my insecurity.

Or at least, this is what I'm mulling over today :)

And after all of that, I ended up getting the job as a supply teacher.

Post 1: Generous Sanity

I'm not going to lie.  There is a part of me that is very nervous to do this.  This is not the first blog I have ever written, and perhaps that is what makes me so nervous! 

You see, the first blog I wrote I started almost three and a half years ago.  And it detailed my adventures as a single, Christian woman in her mid-twenties.  Specifically a single, Christian woman in her mid-twenties who lived in northern communities where the average woman of such a description was married by twenty-two.  For a year that blog was somewhat of a lifeline for me.  God took me on an incredible journey by showing me that my identity was not wrapped up in whether I was single or not.  But that it was defined by Him.  It was one of the hardest years of my life, but God grew me and stretched me.  And after just over a year of writing this blog, He also brought a new adventure into my life.  He brought the man who is now my husband.

For the next year I tried to keep up with the blog and even gave it a bit of a face lift.  But between my last year of school and practicum, it just didn't really amount to much.  The year after that I had a job teaching and created a whole  new blog.  And again, life took over the it piddled out.

But the fact is I love to write.  And with getting married I moved across the country away from my immediate family and my friends.  So one purpose in starting up again is to use this as an avenue to keep people updated on life.

But this blog will also (hopefully) serve another purpose.  One of the ways that I tend to grow and develop spiritually is by writing about what I am reading or experiencing.  I cannot count the number of times that I have started a past blog post and what began as a musing turned into a revelation.  God tends to use my writing to help me maintain my sanity.  And so I am writing for my own spiritual growth with the hope that maybe others can be challenged as well.

So after that horribly long introduction, here it goes!

I am a teacher who has moved across the country and gotten married in the course of one summer.  The downside to this is that I have moved to a place where it is incredibly difficult to find teaching jobs.  Thus the past week has been spent calling around to different schools inquiring about being a supply teacher.  I have had some responses, and one was very positive, so here's hoping that this materializes into a job :)

For the most part I think I am settling into my role as a housewife relatively smoothly.  Once my hubby leaves for work I go for a run, do some sort of cleaning throughout the day, run errands, write thank you cards until my hand cramps up, and look for work.  And cuddle with our cat.  See, my husband has a cat.  His name is Mortimer.  At this moment in time, Mortimer is sprawled across my stomach as a write, with my left armed pinned under him (not the most comfortable position for typing, but c'est la vie).  He has taken somewhat of a liking to me and tends to follow me around from room to room throughout the day.  The moment I sit he claims my lap as his own.

I want to focus in on today's run.  I used to listen to music while I ran, but in the last few months have started listening to podcasts instead.  I don't run for long (just 20-25 minute), so it usually takes me about two runs to get through one sermon.  My favourite pastors are Matt Chandler and Tim Keller (find them on iTunes and listen to them).  Today I was listening to a sermon by Matt Chandler on the generosity of God.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I tend to get scared off when people start talking about God's generosity.  In my experience, this leads to comments like "God wants to prosper  you" which is usually followed by "Follow God and He will bless you."  Which doesn't sound so bad except our idea of God blessing us usually means we expect a financial blessing.  I have heard enough of the prosperity gospel that I tend to shut down when something even remotely sounds like it.

Chandler wasn't going in that direction though.  In the first half of his message he describes for us just how "rich" God is (He is the creator... all that we see belongs to Him).  Chander "poetically" describes how God created the glands in our mouths that produce saliva.  He created the muscles in our mouths that allow for us to spit.  When soldiers spit and mocked Christ in the time leading up to His crucifixion, they could only do so because God had given them the ability to do so.

Then he goes on to describe that it is only through God's generosity that we are able to come to Him.  Nothing we do makes us worthy of His grace and forgiveness.  This next point is the one that really stuck with me:

Our trying to make ourselves worthy of Christ doesn't impede His generosity.  But it robs us of the joy that comes from receiving the gift He so generously wants to bestow upon us.

How many times have I felt miserable in my walk with God because I am continually aware of my failings.  How many times have I wanted to simply give up because nothing I can do is good enough?  How many times have people witnessed Christians and thought them to be unhappy, sour-faced, miserable people?

Are we fallen?  Yes.  Is our righteousness like filthy rags?  Yes.  Should we stop trying to live godly lives?  No. 

The generosity of God does not give us a free pass to live as we please.  James addresses this when he talks about our faith needing works.  But our works do not earn us God's grace.  That is something he freely gives to us.

And in that, we should rejoice.