Where did the summer go?
I'm sitting on our couch, one cat by my side and one by my feet, and I'm breathing.
Breathing is important :)
And if you talk to anyone who has had communication with me this last month they can attest to the fact that stopping to breathe has been a bit of a difficulty.
Jordan and I had one of the happiest moments of our marriage on July 31st. Our tenants moved out!!! We have had almost a whole month where the smell of pot no longer wafts through our vents, where I don't have to keep our bistro set hidden so that it doesn't get used, where I can vacuum the house whenever I want! It has been so liberating!
The downside?
Walking through the unit and discovering it was filthy (I don't know if they had ever washed their floors), having to clean out the fridge (but thanks for leaving half a bottle or red wine in there), and realizing that their three cats had used the stairwell down the the basement as a place to urinate (if you have three cats, please get more than one litter box and make sure you clean it out OFTEN). They also left a backyard full of crap (old rat cages, the glass shards from their broken patio table, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you wore gloves to handle), and a loveseat.
After a garbage day that involved between 15-17 bags of garbage (only one was from us), a dump run where we filled a cargo van, and a special visit from the city to take the couch (best sound ever was it being crushed in the dump truck), the house was cleared out.
It took me a solid week to bleach the entire house and then go through it again with Mr. Clean (a shout-out to my cousin who drove down on a Friday evening to help me clean). Jordan and I then bought the heaviest duty primer we could find and the entire unit got two coats of (the brown kitchen ceiling is now such a pretty white). We then set about repainting the entire unit. Another cousin and his son spent a weekend with us tearing out the pee-saturated stairs and replacing them, while helping Jordan lay flooring in the master bedroom.
It has been a really busy month.
But now that I have a chance to breathe, I find myself reflecting on the entire experience.
The last four months or so have been kind of insane. Between run-ins with our old tenants (I love being told to shut my f***ing mouth), finding out Hawaii was a no-go, dealing with job uncertainty, and then losing my Oma, it has felt like we have had one thing after another thrown at us. But through it all I was reminded of God's goodness.
If I were to be completely honest with you all, working on this unit was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Poor Jordan has come home from work a few times to find my overwhelmed, in tears, and wondering when we will just get a chance to breathe.
Those are the days where he comes come and decides to give me an early birthday present :)
Last night we went to change the light fixture in the bathroom. And it took us almost an hour to do because of how the previous owners had installed the old one. Like so many things with this house, something that was meant to be quick and easy took forever.
I finally went upstairs and did something that I have tried so hard not to do.
I asked God "Why?"
I asked Him why it seems like everything has to be a battle.
And I didn't come away with any answers.
But today, after my run, I had a few more.
I was listening to a podcast on my run, and the pastor was speaking on the passage in Luke 24 where Jesus talks to two people on the road to Emmaus. He talked about the fact that these guys meet up with Jesus, don't know He's Jesus, and then proceed to tell Jesus all about Jesus. He talked about how these guys knew their Bible. They knew their doctrine. But they didn't realize that Jesus was right there with them.
And I think that was when it hit me. As I was dealing with all the other stuff, I kept turning to God. I talked to Him about it. I learned and was challenged while being in relationship with Him.
This last month I kept spouting what I knew, but neglected the relationship part. I would spend whole days alone in that unit cleaning, priming, and painting. I would get frustrated. I would also experience satisfaction as I watched in transform.
But I forgot that God was with me.
I forgot that He is more to me that just some doctrine that I can reference when things are bad or good.
There are so many times in the Psalms where David asks God where He is and why things are happening.
Today I went for lunch with a friend (insert happy dance here), and we discussed how difficult it is to have a relationship that has no depth.
I don't want a relationship without the theology--I have seen what that looks like and it is often shallow and has little or no foundation to it.
But I also don't just want my theology without the relationship--we are called to love God and how can we do that without knowing Him?
This last month has been exhausting. But I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I had shared that with God. He was already present--it was just me who didn't acknowledge that.
I was telling another friend that running makes a really good analogy for my relationship with Christ. Before I started filling that maternity leave I was running a solid 7km every time I ran. Then with working I cut back. For all of July it felt as if I could barely do a 5km run. I was exhausted and my cardio felt like it sucked. I was frustrated because it felt like everything I was doing was for naught. I felt like I had lost what I used to have.
And then this week hit. Yesterday I did my first ever 10km run and I did it at a better pace than most of my 5km ones in July. Today I did another 10 km run.
Sometimes it feels like everything is a battle. And sometimes it feels like we're stuck and no matter what we do it doesn't seem to change anything. But eventually we do see the growth.
Sometimes it feels like every time I go for a walk or pick up a book God is present and speaking to me. And other times it feels like there is nothing but silence. And sometimes, in the silence, I get discouraged and want to give up. But God is still present. And He is still growing me.
So my encouragement is to remember that He is always with you. Whether you are aware of it or not, He is. But I would challenge you to strive to be more aware.
