Today has felt like what one might call a "productive day." It began with a run. Then there was a lovely break where skies opened and torrential rains poured forth while I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, and then dusted. I then snuck away for another short run (thunder and rain are marvelous motivators to run faster), which was followed by vacuuming and washing the floors. Then I received a call from the school I supply for asking if I was available for three days next week (insert fist pump and squeal of glee). After making myself presentable I grocery shopped, started laundry, and got the spare room ready for some company we are having tonight.
And exhale.
Now I'm drinking tea and eating a banana chocolate chip muffin that I made earlier this week. And the combination is heavenly.
I'm pretty excited at the thought of getting to be in a classroom. Nervous, but I always am before meeting new classes. I always told my students I felt physically ill on the first day of a new class. They never believed me, but it is the truth.
I also applied on some tutoring jobs and I have a possible interview next week. So that is also exciting.
The wind is blowing through the trees outside our living room window and I find the song they create so soothing.
Sometimes I could swear God uses things like that just to get my attention. No sooner had I written the sentences about the trees and wind than the wind died down to little more than a light breeze.
There has been a lot going through my head this week. Between house work, getting errands, looking for tutoring work, and doing everything in my power trying to not let not having regular hours get to me, my brain has been rather busy.
For the last two days I have been thinking about what I was going to write. I heard a good podcast that looked at Abraham interceding on behalf of Sodom and Gomorrah. It showed how that event was a foreshadowing of when Christ would come. Honestly, I found it fascinating. Today I started listening to another podcast that had to do with being a living sacrifice. And again, it was fascinating. So I have been organizing my thoughts and trying to think of what to say and how to say it.
And then the wind blows through the trees and their rustling tune causes me to stop.
To be still.
You see, growing up I was probably the laziest person you would have ever met. If you don't believe me, ask any member of my family, they will attest to it. If I had a day off you had better believe all I would do is sit and read or watch tv, and eat. Clean up after myself? Heavens, no! That's silliness! Go for a walk or a run? Bah!
Then, about seven or eight years ago, some small groups in our church did a personality study. And I found that, for the first time ever (I really hate personality studies... but don't tell my students as I made them do them last year), I realized I fit into a category. I realized this because I could see a lot of the negative attributes in my life. And one of them was laziness. So I have spent the last seven or so years doing what I can to be productive.
I still love my laziness. This last year I would wake up on a Saturday morning, work out, clean my house, and run my errands, just so I could spend the rest of my day being lazy.
It worked.
But I think what is hard for me is that I have worked so hard to better this part of myself, that the thought of anyone thinking I'm lazy just about kills me. And while I'm on a supply list and I'm applying for jobs and I'm keeping busy, I'm still horrified that people will judge me.
And I know this is silly. But I have felt myself starting to stress about this as the week has gone on.
And then the wind and the trees call to me.
They grab my attention.
They quiet my heart.
And it's as if in that moment I hear God say, "Be still, Jess. I see you. You are mine. I'm here. Rest in me."
And so that's what I will do.
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