It has been awhile. The week after my last post I ended up working a full-time week. So it was just a little too difficult to find the time. And then last week my computer crashed. So after a wee bit of laptop shopping this weekend, I am now able to write a new entry :)
I feel like a lot has happened lately and that there is so much I could tell you about. There have been numerous teaching adventures (liking having a grade 12 student tell me how wonderful I am and then offer to sacrifice a virgin in my honor), tenant adventures, church adventures... oh, the list could go on!
Today is sunny. I'm talking positive degrees (4 degrees Celsius!), which means I got to do my morning run on actual sidewalks (not snow, slush, or ice), and didn't have to wear an ear warmer, neck warmer, gloves, two pairs of pants, or three shirts. If that isn't exciting I don't know what is! It is truly amazing what beautiful weather does for the soul.
In church we have been working through Jesus' last words on the Cross, and yesterday's message had to do with when Jesus tells his mother that his friend and disciple, John, would be her son and take care of her, and that she would be John's mother. Our pastor talked about this idea of God "seeing." She pointed to numerous places in the Bible where people were in pain, and how God saw their pain. My favourite character in the Bible is Leah. God saw that she was unloved by her husband, and so he gave her children. Through God's seeing, Leah comes to realize that it is God who completes her and not her husband. This was one of the passages our pastor shared.
This idea of God seeing has been one that often strikes a chord with me. My name, in Hebrew, means "Yahweh sees." A few years ago God took me on a real journey of discovering who I am in His eyes, and realizing that my worth and identity is determined by Him, not by myself or by those around me. He showed me that He sees me. He has seen everything I have ever experienced, from joy to pain, and has always been present through it. Has He removed the things that have hurt? Rarely. But has He always seen me and offered His peace and guidance? Yes.
One of the ways that I am often reminded of this is through nature. Sometimes it is in a moment where I step outside and a breeze starts to play with my hair or caress my face. Sometimes it is when the wind blows the trees and they create a music that all creation seems to sway and dance to. Sometimes it is when the big flakes of snow are falling down. And sometimes it is in a day like today. A day where the sun shines and I am filled with hope.
I suppose you could say that those days where nature captures my heart and attention are like receiving love letters from God. I am reminded that He sees me.
A couple of weeks ago I had a rough week. I felt lonely. My grandmother fell and ended up in the hospital with a broken him and collar bone and had to go through surgery. And this was only a few months after losing her husband. I had a run-in with our tenants that left me a little shaken. I was scared about taking over the mat leave position.
I was overwhelmed.
But this last week I have been overwhelmed in a different way.
I have been reminded and shown all the ways that God has seen what has been going on. Husband and I got to go for a date on Friday night, which left me reminded of how blessed I am. We got a new cat on Saturday (her name is Maleficient, she is a grey tabby with green eyes and we are rather in love with her), and there was something about the joy we felt when we both woke up at 5am on Sunday morning to bond with her that felt like a gift from God.
Then there is the thing that really sticks out in my mind.
I became a professing member of our church yesterday. I have not been one of those in four or five years (partly because of moving around so much, and partly from past church pain and hurt). What amazed me was how big of a deal this was not just for me, but for my church. I stood before them and told them that I do love Jesus. I was given a daily devotional and flowers by the church. The congregation came and shook my hand at the end of the service. My mom- and dad-in-law had us over for lunch and gave me flowers.
I have always believed church to be important, don't get me wrong. But the last few years have been filled with a lot of pain in that area. I have seen church leadership abuse its power. I have heard incorrect sermons from the pulpit that are "Amen'd" by everyone present. I have watched a focus on the emotional that has led to the exclusion of the intellectual. The last church I went to was so friendly and their hearts were in the right place, but I spent a month or two returning home in tears because it reminded me of a different church I used to be a member of. These weren't happy tears. These were tears of confusion and hurt.
Over the last few years (I think it has actually been four now), God has done an amazing, healing work in my life. He has taught me to forgive and has shown me where I need to repent. Family and only very close friends really knew the depths of what I was going through.
So when I made the decision to become a member, it was like a furthering of that healing. It has brought back some memories, but those memories don't cause pain anymore. I know God saw me in the midst of that and I know He brought me through.
But yesterday I got to be surrounded by family and church family who supported, encouraged, and showered love on me.
And I found myself again reminded that God really does see.
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