Post 32: The Good

This last week has been a rough one.  My Oma’s funeral was on Monday, and Jordan and I returned home after that.  I was able to put in half days on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and could just take report cards and such home with me.  On Wednesday night I was able to go out for coffee, and I started Thursday out feeling refreshed and like I could carry on.

Then Friday hit, and with it came the realization that both of grandparents are gone. 

I’m trying really hard to not start crying as I type this out.

This weekend we celebrated my mother-in-law’s 60^th birthday, so it was a weekend of fun and festivities.  We were out Friday night and all day Saturday, celebrating.

Then Sunday morning hit, and while Jordan was getting ready I was brewing coffee, cooking oatmeal, and washing some dishes (because I’m anal and the dishes HAD to be done).  We were given one of the floral arrangements from my Oma’s funeral, and I was excited to have a pretty vase that would serve as a reminder of this woman.  As I went to rinse the vase after washing, it broke in my hand.  I started to bleed and while struggling to find something to wrap my hand in, the oatmeal started to boil over on the stove.  Jordan came out to see if I needed help, and instead he had a wife who was lost in her own world throughout breakfast and who could barely hold the tears back.  We got to church, and as I’m looking through the bulletin, I see the part where the mention things that are going on in our church family.  At the very top was condolences to Jordan and me.

Throughout worship, I was either on the verge of crying or else I was crying.  At one point we started to sing “Awesome God,” and as all the voices flooded together I became so overwhelmed that I couldn’t sing.  All I could do was stand and cry (which is an awful position to be in when you are going to have family pictures taken right away after church and you haven’t brought any make-up with you to touch up your face).

Jordan’s brother and his family came up to surprise my mom-in-law, and what resulted was a niece on my lap and one on his for pretty much the entire service.  Every time one of the girls would grab my arms and wrap them tightly around their bodies, I was flooded with a sense of comfort.  Of care.  It was as if God was holding my heart in the midst of pain and sorrow, and was reminding me that He is still present.  He is still good.  He hasn’t stopped being God and He is still working in me.

"God does not promise you better life circumstances if you follow Him, He promises you a better life."

This is the line that has been playing over in my head since my run on Thursday.  Tim Keller remains my favourite pastor to listen to, and I found that when Thursday hit I needed the comfort of his voice.  I have listened to his podcast on "The Christian's Happiness" before, but given how the last six weeks or so have gone, I felt like it was fitting to listen to it again.

Keller is preaching from Romans 8:28-29, where it says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters."

This is probably one of the most misquoted portions of Scripture that I have ever head, and Keller points this out.  When we don't get something we want, our response is "Well God has something better for me."  He gives the example of applying to grad school and then not getting in.  A Christian's response is usually, “Well, there is a better school out there for me.”  When I was single and it seemed like relationships either didn’t pan out or else were never appearing, my response was always, “God has the perfect man out there and he is better than anything else.”

Keller points out, though, that this is not what God promises.  These are circumstances in our lives, not our lives.  I think one of our biggest problems is that we like to just quote verse 28 and ignore verse 29 (silly context).  In his sermon, Keller talks about how verse 29 starts with the word “For” which lets us know that these two verse are connected.  This says then that God works for our good, FOR (or because) we have been called to be made like Christ. 

Sometimes our circumstances work out better than we could have hoped.  After navigating life as a single and losing hope that there were any good guys out there, I met a man who proved me wrong. A man who cherishes and challenges me.  A few weeks ago I found out the maternity leave I was filling wasn’t going to be extended.  For those of you who don’t know, on Friday it was confirmed that I will instead be teaching part time next year, and I will be teaching English (which is what I went to school to teach).

As Keller puts it, when these circumstances work out like this, it isn’t because that is what God has promised, it is simply an extension of His grace.

Because more often than naught, our circumstances don’t turn out like that.  I lost my Opa in the fall and instead of getting to have a few years to grow closer with my Oma, we held a funeral celebrating her life one week ago.  We lost a trip to Hawaii, but no tickets to Europe have appeared in the mail to replace them.

I have seen people grow upset and bitter with God because their circumstances don’t turn out the way that they feel they should.  They believe that if God isn’t going to give them what they want, then He better have something even better in store.

But it doesn’t work like that.

And I think this is the lesson that God has really been teaching me this year.

I am learning that no matter what my circumstances, God is working for my good to make me more like Him.  We are called to be Christ-like, yet Christ didn’t get everything He wanted or more.  He asked His Father if it was possible to have this cup removed from Him.  He was brutally killed.  We are supposed to strive to be more like Christ.

I am not saying we aren’t allowed to be disappointed when things don’t go our way.  But who is our identity determined by and through?  Our Creator.  My identity is not determined by whether I have a full time teaching job.  It isn’t determined by whether I’m single or married.  It isn’t determined by whether I have kids or no kids.  It isn’t determined by my friends.

My God knit me together in my Mom’s womb, and He is continuing to mold me and conform me to be more like Him.

In the midst of pain, it is hard to look beyond and be content with the idea that God isn’t promising me better circumstances.  Sometimes it is hard to take comfort in the knowledge that He is using these circumstances to conform me to His image, and that that is the good He promises.

One of my favourite quotations from CS Lewis is actually from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  The children are taking with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver about who Aslan is.  I love Mr. Beaver’s response:

“‘Safe?’ said Mr. Beaver; ‘don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.’”

We tend to long for the safety that comes from having circumstances work out the way we want them to, or else better.  But God is so good, that rather than giving me what I want or I think I deserve, that rather than changing my circumstances, He is changing my heart.  He is changing my very being.