Post #51: "Me here, Wennie. Me here"

Something interesting happened this mat leave. I rediscovered things that bring me joy. Things that help me express myself. Things that help me process. For example, I love to bake. I have baked more in the eight months since Gwen was born, than I had in the three or four years before her birth. It helps that Anson thinks baking is the greatest thing in the world.

The other thing I have started doing again is writing. I have written the odd blog post in the last few years, but that is it. I used to keep a regular blog, but I also wrote for fun. My computer always had a few novels that I was planning or working on (but of course never finishing... because where is the fun in that!). But in the last couple months I have found myself writing again. I have started blogging. I also started working on a story that I promised myself I would write over ten years ago.

Writing is one of those things that helps me feel whole. God often uses it to help me process emotions and experiences. It is also a way of being vulnerable. I'm the person who can count on one hand (and probably one finger), the times I would let someone read my essays in university. As much as I knew that feedback and constructive criticism were good for me and my development, my insecurity held me back. I often encourage my students to take feedback and use my life as a cautionary tale.

What is interesting is that I wasn't always insecure about my writing. When I was in high school I can remember using up all of my school paper to write stories. A friend would always come to find my at lunch or after school to see if I had written more. In elementary school I can remember writing a story about my classmates and reading it out to the class before the first bell rang.

Somewhere along the line I stopped sharing my writing. I became convinced it wasn't good enough. I stopped blogging regularly (partly because of a lack of time, and partly because every time I write a post I ask myself what the point is in sharing it. Why would anyone care what I have to say?)

When I first started writing this post, I had no intention of sharing what is written above. That wasn't my purpose. And then I felt like I should. And then the whole time I was writing I was asking God what the point is, because I couldn't see how it connected to what is written next. Bear with me, because I think God is using this to help give me some clarity (which is typically how He does things).

My favourite part when Gwen wakes up from her nap is the way Anson wants to be involved. Gwen will start crying for me, and the moment Anson hears her, he will look at me and say, "Wennie cries, Mama. Me help Wennie." So then we will head up to her room together, he will open her door, run to her crib, and say, "Me here, Wennie. Me here." In fact, any time Gwen is upset (including the times he causes her tears), he is quick to reassure her that he is there for her. His words are often accompanied by a back rub, a hug, or a kiss. I wish I could fully show you how much Anson loves his sister, and how much she loves him. Gwen's face lights up when Anson enters the room. The two of them love to giggle with each other. Anson loves to talk in a high pitched voice and pretend it is Gwen's voice. He loves to give her hugs and kisses good night. He is desperate for her to be able to play with him. Gwen watches him and you can tell she just wants to be able to do all the things that he does.

But it isn't just with Gwen that I see this side of Anson. This morning I was crying while getting ready for the day as I thought about the content of this post. I went to help Anson pull his pants up after he had gone to the washroom, and he looked at me and said, "What wrong, Mama? You cry?" So I told him I was sad but that it was okay. And then I watched as his face fell with sadness because I was sad. If I'm sad or hurt, Anson wants to kiss it better. He stops what he is doing because he wants to make sure I'm okay.

He is such a sweetheart, and my heart daily feels like it is going to burst with love for him and Gwen.

But Anson is obviously not perfect. He is a two year old who lacks impulse control (as most two year olds do). He is also a physical little boy. When Anson feels his big emotions, he deals with them physically. So when he is excited, angry, frustrated, happy, etc, he will hit/push/slap. He has been doing great with this at home or in small groups with people he is familiar with, but when he gets overwhelmed or overstimulated it is really hard to remind him of the strategies we are working on at home.

Again, this is pretty normal stuff. He is two.

But it is also really hard stuff to deal with. And sometimes it is really hard trying to figure out whether I put him into social situations that could lead to more hitting. On the one hand, I want him to get used to people, because the more comfortable he is, the less he hits. On the other hand, I don't want to set him up to fail.

Every time I get invited to something, I start to panic a bit. Because I love my sweet, sweet boy, and I see the way he brings toys to kids at daycare, or to his sister, when they are sad. I see how he stops everything to sing to Gwen when she cries, because he knows that being sung to makes him feel better. I see all this good in him. But I am so scared of sharing him with others and of them rejecting him or thinking he is "bad." And I know I shouldn't feel this way because I know none of my friends think that. I know my friends, especially those with kids, know how hard this parenting thing is, and they know that Anson is not "bad." But I'm still scared they will find fault with him. I'm scared he will have an off day (because he has had those before) and that all people will get to see is the lack of impulse control.

My writing and my kids are both gifts that God has given to me. And they are both pieces of my heart (to varying degrees). And I'm scared of sharing both with the world, because I'm horrified the world will think them "bad." Because if these reflections of my heart are bad, what does that say about me?

I don't have an answer.

The last time I kept a blog regularly was when I wrote "Annals of a Christian Single." It was my way of processing what it is like to be a Christian single. It led to me being incredibly vulnerable about where I was at in life, but it also was a time when God showed me who I am in Him. By sharing that journey with others, God connected me to other people around the world who had that shared experience, and we were able to encourage each other. To challenge each other. Maybe He is telling me it is time to be vulnerable about where I am at now.

But vulnerability is hard. I live in fear of me and my loved ones being rejected.

But I guess that is where I have to remember Who made me. Who is always present with me. And in those times of fear, rest in the knowledge that Jesus is saying (to quote Anson), "Me here, Jesse. Me here."