Post 36: Thankfulness

I have been want to write a post since Thanksgiving, but work really started to pick up (I have been working almost full-time hours with the extra supply teaching and tutoring on top of my one regular course that I teach), not to mention throwing parent-teacher interviews into the mix.  I have had two weekends off in a row, but on the first one I found I could not bring myself to do anything other than relax (and mark a few literary paragraphs), and on the second both Husband and I weren't feeling 100%.

Today I have a bit of time to sit down and put into writing the flurry of thoughts that have been on my mind the last few weeks.

The week leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself challenged to be thankful.  Maybe that seems cliche or silly, but I began to notice that I had a knack for dwelling on negative things.  For taking hurt where it wasn't intended. For failing to notice the beauty and the good in what was going on around me.  As Jordan and I would pray for meals or before bed, I would try to remember to thank God (and mean it), for the things He had blessed us with, and for the lives that we have.

As I look back on these few weeks, I find myself thanking God for everything that He has allowed to happen to me, because it is those things that have shaped me.  They have stretched me and molded me.  So many of them have hurt, but God has taken that which is painful to make me at least a little bit more like Him.

It has been about six years now since I allowed myself to take a break from being involved in church ministries.  I was burnt out and was hurting, and needed some time to heal.  Then, with going back to school and working, and only ever being in a place a year at a time, I allowed myself to continue not getting involved.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I began to see how God has allowed me to settle in a community.  To begin to put down roots.  He also drew my attention to the fact that being a part of a community means just that: being a part.

I don't know if anything scares me more than getting involved in churches (okay, Parent-Teacher interviews probably scare me more if I'm going to be honest).  But at the "prodding" of a friend (she mentioned my name and then "encouraged" me to see how I would fit), I have signed up to help out with Gems.  This is a girls' club our church does for girls in grades 4-8.  I get to work with the grade 8 girls.  And while I have not been able to make all of the meetings yet because of commitments with work, it really has felt good to get involved.  Last Sunday we slid into our pew and one of my girls was sitting behind us.  It felt strangely "homelike" to be able to tease her and talk to her.

On Tuesday I then received an email asking me if I would be willing to play piano occasionally for the early morning services our church is going to be starting at the end of November.  I have played on worship teams before, but I'm not a particularly talented pianist.  I chord.  What I play comes from my heart and is my own offering of worship to God, but I don't play melodies, and definitely don't play like the pianists in our church.  I explained this.  Explained that it might be more difficult for people to follow me because of this (we don't always have someone who actually leads the singing).  What I got in response was a "Great!  I will make sure that myself and some other singers are always signed up to sing with you!"

In many ways, God has had to twist my arm to get me involved.  After spending every free moment involved in church ministries, I have been very guarded of my time.  I am scared of running into that extreme again.

But God has also been gracious.  My time is not overloaded.  One night a week, and the occasional Sunday morning is really not that much to give up.

I'm scared.  I'm insecure.  And with every fiber of my being I want to run and hide.

But I also feel like I am starting to belong.  Like this city and this church, this community that I belong to, is my home.

And for this I'm thankful.

On Tuesday afternoon my principal sent me an email asking me if we could meet Wednesday morning.  As I popped in yesterday, he asked me if I would be willing to take over teaching our school's Families class while its teacher takes six weeks off for surgery.  I said yes.

I start teaching it Monday (which means that while all the other teachers are at their conference today and tomorrow, I get to stay home, drink cocoa, and plan how to talk to my students about gender roles in marriage).

If I had my way I would be teaching full-time, and would know that my position was secure.

I don't have that.

But that's okay.

On Thanksgiving Monday we sang "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman.  I can remember singing that song a lot in the months leading up to my move from BC to Ontario.  The one portion that sticks out to me says:

Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

No matter what has happened or what will happen, God is still God.  He is still on throne.  And I want to be able to spend my days praising Him for who He is and what He has done.

I want to be thankful in EVERYTHING, not just the things that go my way.

Post 35: Beautiful Things

Here we are, heading into the second week of school.

First off, let me say that I love my job :)  There is something about having my own class that I get to spend a whole semester with that really changes things.  And it is fun because I have been at this school for a year now, so the students know me.  Monday on my way back from the photocopier I stopped by one grade 12 girl who was at a computer.  She goes to our church, so I just asked her what she was up to.  This very quiet and shy young woman just started talking to me about her thoughts and plans for the future.

It was exciting.

And it was a reminder for me of why I got into this whole teaching gig.

I want children and youth to know that someone cares about them.  I love getting to teach and use pop culture to help explain things like plot, conflict, and characterization (or stories about my death to show point of view).  But I really love getting to be a part of my kids' lives.  To show them Jesus as best as I can.  And to let them know that they are valued and cared for.  (And typically when they feel this way, they tend to work a bit harder on their assignments... go figure).

So even though I'm only two days into the second week, it has been two days of feeling like I'm truly walking in my calling.

And that is a good place to be in.

I had a conversation with one of my close friends last night, and right now I find myself mulling over a question she asked me.

She said, "What's been on your mind lately?"

First off, I always get scared when I feel like people are asking me "deep" questions.  I have always been convinced that my answers will fall short of their needed "depth."  But I answered her honestly.

Lately I have been thinking that I feel like I am starting to belong.  That this is becoming home for me.  Both Jordan and I have talked a few times that the last year has been an interesting one.  It many ways it has felt like both of us have had to start all over again.  And in the last month or so it has felt like we have been making connections.  We had friends over for dinner and games a couple of weeks ago.  We got invited to their place.  I had some friends over for wine and croquettes last week.  Jordan has become a deacon at church, and there is talk of seeing if I will replace one of our friends who is moving away on the church's Fellowship Committee.

My job is only part time, but I definitely feel as if I am connecting more with the staff this year.  I was sent home sick from our Grade 9 Day on Friday (and spent most of the weekend in bed sleeping and watching Downton Abbey), and on Monday and Tuesday I had so many of my co-workers ask me how I was feeling and checking in on me.

With being in school I have spent the last seven or so years in transition.  It feels really good to set down roots and now to begin to see something springing  up from those roots.

Which makes me think of a song we sang at one of our PD Days at the beginning of September.  It was the song "Beautiful Things."  I want to share it with you.

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

Now I look at this song and I think of the journey I have been on.  And I look at how through all of the pain, the joy, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the laughter, God has been making something beautiful.  Something good.  Something that is (albeit slowly) trying to become more like Him.

And then I thought about the two women on either side of me who were singing with me.  To my right was a woman who had just announced to the staff that she was pregnant with her first child. This teacher was one of those who has always tried to make me feel welcome, and it was infectious to watch her joy.

On my left was a woman who is infertile.  After trying a vast assortment of treatments for several years, her and her husband had to make the decision to stop.  This woman has gone out of her way to talk to me.  To befriend me.  She has been somebody who has vented to me and who will let me vent to her. She has offered advice when I needed it on a variety of those topics.

And both women were beautiful.  Each has had their own journeys.  Their own hurts, triumphs, defeats, and joys.  And despite their different journeys, God has used them both to impact others.  Despite what they have gone through, they have allowed God to make them into something beautiful.  Something good.  Something more like Him.

I feel like I could just go on.  I have been reading some Tim Keller and listening to some Matt Chandler and at this moment in time I feel like I could burst with all the thoughts that are going on inside of me. But I'm going to leave it at that.

Sometimes the ugly and unthinkable happen.  But I believe that my God does make good things out of that.  That through the ugly and unthinkable, He makes us greater image bearers of Himself.  That He makes us more like Him.

That He makes us beautiful.

Post #34: Bleach, Paint, Doctrine, and Relationships

So August is almost over.

Where did the summer go?

I'm sitting on our couch, one cat by my side and one by my feet, and I'm breathing.

Breathing is important :)

And if you talk to anyone who has had communication with me this last month they can attest to the fact that stopping to breathe has been a bit of a difficulty.

Jordan and I had one of the happiest moments of our marriage on July 31st.  Our tenants moved out!!!  We have had almost a whole month where the smell of pot no longer wafts through our vents, where I don't have to keep our bistro set hidden so that it doesn't get used, where I can vacuum the house whenever I want!  It has been so liberating!

The downside?

Walking through the unit and discovering it was filthy (I don't know if they had ever washed their floors), having to clean out the fridge (but thanks for leaving half a bottle or red wine in there), and realizing that their three cats had used the stairwell down the the basement as a place to urinate (if you have three cats, please get more than one litter box and make sure you clean it out OFTEN).  They also left a backyard full of crap (old rat cages, the glass shards from their broken patio table, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you wore gloves to handle), and a loveseat.

After a garbage day that involved between 15-17 bags of garbage (only one was from us), a dump run where we filled a cargo van, and a special visit from the city to take the couch (best sound ever was it being crushed in the dump truck), the house was cleared out.

It took me a solid week to bleach the entire house and then go through it again with Mr. Clean (a shout-out to my cousin who drove down on a Friday evening to help me clean).  Jordan and I then bought the heaviest duty primer we could find and the entire unit got two coats of (the brown kitchen ceiling is now such a pretty white).  We then set about repainting the entire unit.  Another cousin and his son spent a weekend with us tearing out the pee-saturated stairs and replacing them, while helping Jordan lay flooring in the master bedroom.

It has been a really busy month.

But now that I have a chance to breathe, I find myself reflecting on the entire experience.

The last four months or so have been kind of insane.  Between run-ins with our old tenants (I love being told to shut my f***ing mouth), finding out Hawaii was a no-go, dealing with job uncertainty, and then losing my Oma, it has felt like we have had one thing after another thrown at us.  But through it all I was reminded of God's goodness.

If I were to be completely honest with you all, working on this unit was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Poor Jordan has come home from work a few times to find my overwhelmed, in tears, and wondering when we will just get a chance to breathe.

Those are the days where he comes come and decides to give me an early birthday present :)

Last night we went to change the light fixture in the bathroom.  And it took us almost an hour to do because of how the previous owners had installed the old one.  Like so many things with this house, something that was meant to be quick and easy took forever.

I finally went upstairs and did something that I have tried so hard not to do.

I asked God "Why?"

I asked Him why it seems like everything has to be a battle.

And I didn't come away with any answers.

But today, after my run, I had a few more.

I was listening to a podcast on my run, and the pastor was speaking on the passage in Luke 24 where Jesus talks to two people on the road to Emmaus.  He talked about the fact that these guys meet up with Jesus, don't know He's Jesus, and then proceed to tell Jesus all about Jesus.  He talked about how these guys knew their Bible.  They knew their doctrine.  But they didn't realize that Jesus was right there with them.

And I think that was when it hit me.  As I was dealing with all the other stuff, I kept turning to God.  I talked to Him about it.  I learned and was challenged while being in relationship with Him.

This last month I kept spouting what I knew, but neglected the relationship part.  I would spend whole days alone in that unit cleaning, priming, and painting.  I would get frustrated. I would also experience satisfaction as I watched in transform.

But I forgot that God was with me.

I forgot that He is more to me that just some doctrine that I can reference when things are bad or good.

There are so many times in the Psalms where David asks God where He is and why things are happening.

Today I went for lunch with a friend (insert happy dance here), and we discussed how difficult it is to have a relationship that has no depth.

I don't want a relationship without the theology--I have seen what that looks like and it is often shallow and has little or no foundation to it.

But I also don't just want my theology without the relationship--we are called to love God and how can we do that without knowing Him?

This last month has been exhausting.  But I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I had shared that with God.  He was already present--it was just me who didn't acknowledge that.

I was telling another friend that running makes a really good analogy for my relationship with Christ.  Before I started filling that maternity leave I was running a solid 7km every time I ran.  Then with working I cut back.  For all of July it felt as if I could barely do a 5km run.  I was exhausted and my cardio felt like it sucked.  I was frustrated because it felt like everything I was doing was for naught.  I felt like I had lost what I used to have.

And then this week hit.  Yesterday I did my first ever 10km run and I did it at a better pace than most of my 5km ones in July.  Today I did another 10 km run.

Sometimes it feels like everything is a battle.  And sometimes it feels like we're stuck and no matter what we do it doesn't seem to change anything.  But eventually we do see the growth.

Sometimes it feels like every time I go for a walk or pick up a book God is present and speaking to me.  And other times it feels like there is nothing but silence.  And sometimes, in the silence, I get discouraged and want to give up.  But God is still present.  And He is still growing me.

So my encouragement is to remember that He is always with you.  Whether you are aware of it or not, He is.  But I would challenge you to strive to be more aware.

Post #33: Letting Go

Between visiting family, working, and life just getting hectic, it has been a while since I was able to sit and write.  Two weeks ago Jordan and I flew out west to visit my family and I had every intention of writing before then.  There were lots of good ideas, lots of things I felt I could touch on (the image of our disastrous upstairs that we are still trying to find time to complete was the inspiration for one idea that may be expanded upon at a later date).  But I was alsbut o in a place where I didn't know if I could write.  Some things you deal with just aren't meant for a blog :)

But today I have been chomping at the bit ready to write.  I was thinking about it on my morning run, during my cleaning, and when I went for a walk.  One of my best friends called and our two hour chat was incredible.

Let me just insert how thankful I am for the people who speak into my life.  My friend and I were remembering the different times we have had to talk into each other.  We might not have enjoyed the experience (I really don't like when people call me on being passive aggressive and tell me I really need to actually voice when I am upset, lol), but it has made our friendship the strong one that it is today.

Getting off the phone left me even more inspired to write, so here it goes!

We weren't at our church last Sunday since we were out in BC, but apparently we started a series on the "Seven Deadly Sins."  So last week they discussed envy.  This week we looked at vanity, or vainglory.

Growing up, whenever I heard about these Seven, I could usually identify with all of them.  But vanity was the one I found the most difficult.  In my mind I was an insecure person who was always more than aware of their flaws and faults.  How could I be vain?

To be honest, this sermon really opened my eyes and has caused be to reassess some things in my life from the last five years or so.

Our pastor asked us the question: "What standards are you measuring yourself by?"

Anyone who followed my blog from when I was single knows that I had a really difficult time figuring out who I was.  I felt that the church and my culture had set up standards that I could not meet.  I felt like in order to be a whole person I could not be single.

These were the standards by which I measured myself and God took me on an incredible journey to break me of that.  I had to realize that the only approval I needed to seek was His.  He is my audience.

I always associated vanity with the idea of thinking highly of yourself.  Our pastor shared a definition with us that really challenged me.  She said that vanity is an excessive and disordered obsession with the approval/recognition of others.

Ultimately, it is the taking of our eyes off of Jesus and putting them on ourselves.

On Saturday Jordan and I got to drive up north to celebrate the twenty-first birthday of one of my cousins (which was a great time, by the way).

On the three to four our drive, we talked a lot.  We also started listening to some cds from a personality/gifting study that I had done several years ago.

What resulted was the sharing of different experiences we have had in the past.  As I talked about doing this study and the church I had done it in, I also mentioned stories of things that had happened at this church as well.  Negative things that had left me feeling hurt.

I don't think it is any surprise that I have church baggage (I don't know many people who don't).  Churches are full of imperfect human beings and as a result they get messy.  Feelings are hurt, sometimes intentionally but more often than naught unintentionally.  I have my few scars but they have shaped me and made me who I am.

When I moved to Williams Lake to teach two years ago, I had a really difficult time in the church I decided on.  There wasn't anything wrong that I could see, in fact they were very welcoming.  But aspects of it reminded me of my old church.  Because of this I never let myself settle there.  I didn't fully embrace it.  I kept everything at arms length.

I blamed this on what had happened to me in my old church.  I blamed my reaction on the hurts others had done to me.  All I could see was me and my hurts.

When I was single, I was hurt by the reactions of others.  Most of my married friends seemed like they didn't want to be with me because I was single.  Everyone always wanted to know if there were any guys on my horizon.  I measured myself by the standards of others (whether those standards were intentional or not).

But I also made that situation all about me.  My friends weren't trying to cut me out.  They were adjusting to life as a married person along with all the challenges those held.  The culture of small, rural communities was not all about me.  People tended to get married younger.  It just happened.  People were happily married and wanted to see the same for me.  No one meant to tell me that I was incomplete as a single person.  It seemed like it was implied, but I don't believe it was intended.

I allowed it to become about me.  I was so focused on myself that all I cared about was measuring up to the standards I thought were expected of me.  And then when I didn't measure up, I became bitter towards the people, culture, and institutions that were surrounding me because I felt it was their fault.

Our pastor shared a quote (I can't remember who by), where she said that "Flattery of others is a narcotic and an addiction."

I craved the flattery of other people.  I craved the attention.  And then when I didn't get it, when I didn't "measure up" to what I thought was expected, I became bitter.

Life is a learning process.  And God really showed me how to come to depend on Him for approval and not others (I would love to say I'm there, but I'm not).

But what yesterday's sermon really made me think about was the fact that so much of my life I have made things all about me.  I expected married people to be more sensitive to me as a single person.  But I'm not the centre of their lives, so why should they spend their time thinking about how to make me feel better?  When I had trouble putting down roots in a church it was because a past church had hurt me.

When I make things about me, I also then have a tendency of wanting to blame other people and things when life doesn't turn out how I want it.  When I struggle in a church it is because of my past church.

I'm not saying these experiences didn't shape me.  They did.  And I honestly believe I am far more discerning in some areas because of what I have experienced, than what I once was.  But I also can't blame these situations for my decisions and circumstances today.

When I chose to hold my church in Williams Lake at bay it wasn't because of my past church. While that experience shaped me, I was the one who made the decision to respond as I did.

When I felt that standards were held up to me to measure up to, I made the decision to become hurt and angry when I didn't measure up.

Yesterday during church I even just thought back to the conversations Jordan and I had had the day before.  I thought of the times when I would mention what someone had done and how it had hurt me.

And what I realized was that by making so many things about me, I had opened up the door for bitterness.  My being hurt didn't affect those who did the hurting--in the end it affected me.

I get so frustrated when I see people who take up hurt and offence for things that were not intended to cause such a response.  I watch them make situations all about them, and then they grow bitter.

Yesterday God got my attention and showed me that I am no different.

 So here's to thanking God for the circumstances in my life that He has shaped for my good.  Here's to thanking Him for speaking truth into my life (whether I wanted to hear it or not).  And here's to letting go of those circumstances and hurts.  They happened and God used them.  So I will glorify Him for His goodness and amazing abilities, and I will let go.

Post 32: The Good

This last week has been a rough one.  My Oma’s funeral was on Monday, and Jordan and I returned home after that.  I was able to put in half days on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and could just take report cards and such home with me.  On Wednesday night I was able to go out for coffee, and I started Thursday out feeling refreshed and like I could carry on.

Then Friday hit, and with it came the realization that both of grandparents are gone. 

I’m trying really hard to not start crying as I type this out.

This weekend we celebrated my mother-in-law’s 60^th birthday, so it was a weekend of fun and festivities.  We were out Friday night and all day Saturday, celebrating.

Then Sunday morning hit, and while Jordan was getting ready I was brewing coffee, cooking oatmeal, and washing some dishes (because I’m anal and the dishes HAD to be done).  We were given one of the floral arrangements from my Oma’s funeral, and I was excited to have a pretty vase that would serve as a reminder of this woman.  As I went to rinse the vase after washing, it broke in my hand.  I started to bleed and while struggling to find something to wrap my hand in, the oatmeal started to boil over on the stove.  Jordan came out to see if I needed help, and instead he had a wife who was lost in her own world throughout breakfast and who could barely hold the tears back.  We got to church, and as I’m looking through the bulletin, I see the part where the mention things that are going on in our church family.  At the very top was condolences to Jordan and me.

Throughout worship, I was either on the verge of crying or else I was crying.  At one point we started to sing “Awesome God,” and as all the voices flooded together I became so overwhelmed that I couldn’t sing.  All I could do was stand and cry (which is an awful position to be in when you are going to have family pictures taken right away after church and you haven’t brought any make-up with you to touch up your face).

Jordan’s brother and his family came up to surprise my mom-in-law, and what resulted was a niece on my lap and one on his for pretty much the entire service.  Every time one of the girls would grab my arms and wrap them tightly around their bodies, I was flooded with a sense of comfort.  Of care.  It was as if God was holding my heart in the midst of pain and sorrow, and was reminding me that He is still present.  He is still good.  He hasn’t stopped being God and He is still working in me.

"God does not promise you better life circumstances if you follow Him, He promises you a better life."

This is the line that has been playing over in my head since my run on Thursday.  Tim Keller remains my favourite pastor to listen to, and I found that when Thursday hit I needed the comfort of his voice.  I have listened to his podcast on "The Christian's Happiness" before, but given how the last six weeks or so have gone, I felt like it was fitting to listen to it again.

Keller is preaching from Romans 8:28-29, where it says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters."

This is probably one of the most misquoted portions of Scripture that I have ever head, and Keller points this out.  When we don't get something we want, our response is "Well God has something better for me."  He gives the example of applying to grad school and then not getting in.  A Christian's response is usually, “Well, there is a better school out there for me.”  When I was single and it seemed like relationships either didn’t pan out or else were never appearing, my response was always, “God has the perfect man out there and he is better than anything else.”

Keller points out, though, that this is not what God promises.  These are circumstances in our lives, not our lives.  I think one of our biggest problems is that we like to just quote verse 28 and ignore verse 29 (silly context).  In his sermon, Keller talks about how verse 29 starts with the word “For” which lets us know that these two verse are connected.  This says then that God works for our good, FOR (or because) we have been called to be made like Christ. 

Sometimes our circumstances work out better than we could have hoped.  After navigating life as a single and losing hope that there were any good guys out there, I met a man who proved me wrong. A man who cherishes and challenges me.  A few weeks ago I found out the maternity leave I was filling wasn’t going to be extended.  For those of you who don’t know, on Friday it was confirmed that I will instead be teaching part time next year, and I will be teaching English (which is what I went to school to teach).

As Keller puts it, when these circumstances work out like this, it isn’t because that is what God has promised, it is simply an extension of His grace.

Because more often than naught, our circumstances don’t turn out like that.  I lost my Opa in the fall and instead of getting to have a few years to grow closer with my Oma, we held a funeral celebrating her life one week ago.  We lost a trip to Hawaii, but no tickets to Europe have appeared in the mail to replace them.

I have seen people grow upset and bitter with God because their circumstances don’t turn out the way that they feel they should.  They believe that if God isn’t going to give them what they want, then He better have something even better in store.

But it doesn’t work like that.

And I think this is the lesson that God has really been teaching me this year.

I am learning that no matter what my circumstances, God is working for my good to make me more like Him.  We are called to be Christ-like, yet Christ didn’t get everything He wanted or more.  He asked His Father if it was possible to have this cup removed from Him.  He was brutally killed.  We are supposed to strive to be more like Christ.

I am not saying we aren’t allowed to be disappointed when things don’t go our way.  But who is our identity determined by and through?  Our Creator.  My identity is not determined by whether I have a full time teaching job.  It isn’t determined by whether I’m single or married.  It isn’t determined by whether I have kids or no kids.  It isn’t determined by my friends.

My God knit me together in my Mom’s womb, and He is continuing to mold me and conform me to be more like Him.

In the midst of pain, it is hard to look beyond and be content with the idea that God isn’t promising me better circumstances.  Sometimes it is hard to take comfort in the knowledge that He is using these circumstances to conform me to His image, and that that is the good He promises.

One of my favourite quotations from CS Lewis is actually from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  The children are taking with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver about who Aslan is.  I love Mr. Beaver’s response:

“‘Safe?’ said Mr. Beaver; ‘don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.’”

We tend to long for the safety that comes from having circumstances work out the way we want them to, or else better.  But God is so good, that rather than giving me what I want or I think I deserve, that rather than changing my circumstances, He is changing my heart.  He is changing my very being.

Post 31: It's Pouring

About one minute ago the skies let loose and we are now experiencing a torrential downpour.  The clouds are dark and all I can hear is the rain drumming against buildings and the road.

It's strangely therapeutic, and maybe that's because today the world feels just a bit darker, gloomier, and sadder.

On Sunday I was able to drive north and attend my cousin's baby shower.  It was a fantastic opportunity to see my extended family.  I got to sit next to my Oma and explain to her what each gift was as my cousin opened them.  At various points the group would be in stitches over something Oma said or did.  When she wasn't pretending to be pregnant by putting a balloon up her shirt she was talking about the possibilities of her having another child.  She was cracking jokes (in true Oma style) and seemed so full of life.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day.  I went for a run beneath the shining sun, cleaned my house, and enjoyed myself (I was allowed to mark from home).  Then, just before lunch, my Mom called.  She told me Oma had suffered a stroke.  She had fallen because of it and was in the hospital.

I'm not going to lie, my initial reaction was "This is Oma.  She'll jump back."  I mean, you should have seen her after she fell and broke her hip.  Jordan and I went to visit her and even on morphine she was making us laugh.  She's the kind of woman that nothing seems to be able to hold back.

She was that kind of woman.

As the day progressed and clouded over, I began to realize that Oma was not coming back from this.  It was a severe stroke and the most we could hope for was that she would make it through the night so that all of her kids could say good bye.

We went out last night and I got to hold her hand and kiss her forehead.  I got to tell her how much I loved getting to be closer to her.  That I loved her and would miss her.  I said good bye to her for each of my siblings and made sure she knew how badly they wanted to be with her.

The woman in the bed was not the same woman I had the privilege of sitting with on Sunday's shower.

This morning, at 9:50 I got the text telling me she had passed.

I'm sitting here in the dark, crying, wrapped in the blanket she had made for me last fall.  It's a baby blanket, meant for whenever we have children, but I don't care.  It's keeping me warm right now. And it reminds me of her.

I wish I could describe how I feel but I don't know how.  I want to yell "It's not fair!" and yet that isn't really the right sentiment.  It has been less than 8 months since Opa died, but I thought for sure I would have Oma for a few more years.  I had thought for certain she would be around at least for our first child so she could see it wrapped in the blanket she made.  As we drove home from the hospital last night, both Jordan and I discussed the fact that our children will never know their great-grandparents on either side.  They will never get to have a four-generation picture.

Words can't begin to describe how honored I am to have had these months being near my family.  I get to be with them through this.  I got to say good bye.  My heart goes out to my siblings and cousins who can't make it back.

Right now it seems like the only thing I can do is cry, "Oh, God."  I have no words.  No explanations.  I'm not angry.  I'm just deeply grieved.  My heart aches to get an Oma kiss on the cheek.  To have coffee with her one last time.  To eat all of her black licorice.

I guess I just ask that you would keep my family in your prayers.  We don't really know how to respond or what to do.  We are all hurting.

Oh, God...

Post 30: The Problem of Pain

Pain and hurt are funny things.

Not that I find it funny to be in pain.  I really don't.  Several weeks ago I took a tumble while running.  And when I say a "tumble," I mean that I was running a 4 minute 10 second kilometer and all of a sudden my feet went out from under me and I was on pavement. I jumped up and ran another block before the pain began.  Then I stopped.  I walked the rest of the way home and when I got through the front door, this was the state of things.

This happened on a Wednesday.  By Friday I was running again, but I had to take it slow.  If I ran too fast or too far, my knees would send out a warning.  Coming from a family of runners, most of whom suffer from some sort of knee ailment, I have learned to at least try to heed the warnings my body sends out.  Ignoring your pain usually just makes it worse.

But another problem can happen too.  Sometimes when you're in pain, all you want to do is revel in it.  A lot of the time you don't even realize you are doing it.  I was the kid who made a big deal out of every cut and bruise growing up.  My head didn't even have to hurt and I would be resting on the couch with a cold cloth on my forehead. I would cry at anything and would relish any attention given to me.  I thank God that my parents kept on me.  They were always there to comfort and acknowledge legitimate pain, but even when my heart was broken they would remind me that life still had to go on.

Which is true.  Life still goes on.  Not just for you, but for everyone around you.

Words cannot begin to describe how blessed I felt after my last post when I shared about my journey with what is going on with the job situation.  I received emails, texts, phone calls... people who just wanted to let me know they were thinking and praying for us through this time.

It has now been almost two weeks since I found out the position wasn't being continued.  And by God's grace I think I have done an alright job of still living.  There are so many people around me who are dealing with things.  Friends who are looking for work and feel like every door is being shut in their face.  Friends who are moving somewhere new.

We all have our own pain and hurt that we are dealing with.  Sometimes we ignore it because it doesn't seem as big a deal as what other people are going through.  And sometimes we allow it to consume us because we don't think anyone else knows what we are going through or will ever hurt as much as we do.

But pain is pain.

It still hurts.

It varies in how it looks and how it plays out, and different people experience different pain.  But we all still hurt.

One of my favourite books by CS Lewis is The Problem of Pain.  I read it about three and a half years ago and it is one of my more underlined and noted of Lewis' works.

Long before Kelly Clarkson told the world that "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," my Dad was telling us kids the same thing.  We had our moments where we wanted to scream at him.  After all, would it kill God to give us a break and make things a little bit easier?  But Dad would always remind us that you don't really want everything to be easy.  In ease and comfort we tend to forget God.

It took me a really long time to understand what my Dad meant.

I think Lewis sums it up fairly well.

"Pain hurts.  That is what the word means.  I am only trying to show that the old Christian doctrine of being made 'perfect through suffering' is not incredible..."

He then goes on to talk about our responses when pain is removed.

"Let Him but sheathe the sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over--I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to require my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed.  And this is why tribulations cannot ceases until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."

Pain can serve a purpose because it insists on being attended to.  "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Gosh, Lewis is a smart man!

I suppose my reasoning for writing this is to just encourage you.  All of us experience some kind of pain.  And we all respond to that pain differently.  Some view it as God's megaphone and instantly turn to Him.  They try to trust Him with what is going and try to allow Him to continue molding them through that pain.  Some try to ignore it and often end up in more pain.  They also end up hurting others because they remain closed off in hopes of not being hurt.  They ignore their pain and will often expect other people to respond in the same way.  Still others are so consumed by their pain that they are unable to acknowledge anyone else's pain.  Their hearts are so broken and their pain so real and so present that they can't understand why no one else understands.  Whereas some people shut their friends and family out so that they can ignore pain, others want only the affirmation of their friends and family.  They want everyone else to understand their pain and become dependent on others for their affirmation.

But pain is God's megaphone.  It is meant to draw us closer to him.  One of my favourite quotations is by Helen Keller.  She says, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

The best response we can have when we are hurting is to turn to God.

It is also the hardest response.

It requires us to not ignore and not wallow in pain, but to learn to work through it.  To grow.  To be strengthened.