Shortly after the new semester started I had an interesting happening with some of my students. It was one of those situations that you decide to file in your brain because you know that at some point it is going to become useful. I feel like today it's time to pull that conversation out.
At my school, if you taught first period you were also responsible for opening with devotions and prayer. Doing devotions with a class is something I have always struggled with. I have a hard time just reading a one page story-scripture-prayer. I find that most of my students have grown up in the church and have heard a lot of what those kinds of devotionals deal with. And in many cases, a lot of the stories don't fully apply to them.
So I decided that I would share with them things that had really spoken to me. Which meant I was reading them a lot of CS Lewis, Tim Keller, and even some George Macdonald. I had one student remark that I should just get the devotional 100 Days with CS Lewis. It was a pretty tempting idea.
What I also noticed is that a lot of what I was sharing, and a lot of what my favourite writers deal with, is the idea of pain, suffering, and sorrow. At one point I had some students ask if I could maybe find some happier topics to share with them.
So I spent some time trying to scour the internet for "happy" devotionals. But in doing so I discovered something. The "happy" devotionals were either happy because they were shallow and didn't seem to deal with reality, or they were happy because they focused on how through pain and difficulty God had made Himself known.
I went back to my students and shared this with them. And none of them seemed all that surprised.
I sometimes feel bad because I know that I do focus on, as Lewis called it, "the problem of pain," a lot. But I am beginning to realize that I think that is because everything that happens to us that truly matters, is somehow tied to a level of pain.
I got out and ran five days this week. I haven't run that much in a long time. Four of those runs were 7.5km. Part way through yesterday's run my legs felt like they wanted to give out. They were hurting. My lungs were screaming for air. I was in a measure of pain. But today I feel great because that pain meant I was stretching myself. It meant I was growing and developing as a runner. When I start to feel no exhaustion and pain, it will mean I am no longer challenging myself.
To some of you, that might seem like a pretty lame example of pain. But at the same time that I am going through that, I am also dealing with the fact that my teaching contract ended three weeks ago and I have spent the last three weeks supply teaching. I went from working full time to working part time. I am trying to deal not just with the sense of loss because I no longer get to see my kids every day, but am also dealing with issues of my own self-worth because I am not working full-time. Every time I go out for a run in the mornings, I am reminded that I am only running because I am not working. And in a way, I battle feeling lazy because I am not working.
Again, that still might not seem like much to some people. But I remember talking with a friend when I worked in Williams Lake, and she said that everyone's pain is different. That doesn't make it a better or worse pain. But we are all at different places in our lives, and when we feel pain, it is still painful.
I know people who deal with chronic physical pain. People who love being active but because of things going on in their bodies, they are in a constant battle and are in regular pain.
I know people who are dealing with a court case that has to do with the murder of their son three years ago.
I know people who are trying to deal with the stress and pain of being a single parent while a spouse is away for work.
I know people dealing with infertility.
I know people who are trying to finish off high school strong. Who feel the pressure of having to be involved in extra curricular activities, church activities, and volunteer activities, while also trying to get the grades they need for university and working a job to pay for that education.
I know people feeling the pain and loneliness of rejection and of being single.
Each of us, in some way, shape, or form, is dealing with some element of pain.
In church, our pastor has been dealing with this topic fairly regularly as well, particularly because of the Tim Bosma murder trial that is going on. Tim grew up in our church and his murder struck it hard. A few Sundays ago, our pastor reference Lewis on pain. She shared the following quotation:
We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
I had a discussion with a friend about this quotation after church. My friend has always struggled with these words of Lewis' because she feels like it points to the idea that our pain is our own fault. That we are in pain because we haven't paid enough attention to God or haven't done something right. I tried to share that that isn't what Lewis is saying in his book. The fact is we live in a fallen world and there is pain and suffering. Typically speaking, when things are going well our hearts are not as driven to God as they are when we are hurting.
Yesterday I sat down and was reading Keller's book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. I had put the book down for a while because I was feeling like I was focusing so much on this topic. But what I read yesterday tied in a lot with what my thoughts on this subject have been lately. Keller references Pope Gregory the Great and what he has to say on the idea of suffering. Lewis says that Gregory "rejected the idea that suffering was an illusion or result of capricious fate--suffering always had a purpose. Rather than being helpless victims of inexorable fate, people were in the hands of a wise God, and... we should not rail against cruel blind fate, but bear our suffering patiently" (47).
As I finished reading this paragraph, I could feel all of the "but..." responses building up in me. So I continued reading. Keller goes on to say that Gregory "also rejected... the belief that the proportion of our suffering is due to the proportion of our sins. [He] taught that while suffering in general is caused by human sin, that does not mean particular forms of suffering are always the result of specific sins. He warned against making too direct a connection between sin and suffering" (47). Gregory talks about how there is are many different kinds of suffering in the world, and that serve different purpose. Some suffering is given as a form of correction, and some is given to prevent future wrongs.
But some suffering, and I sometimes think this is what we struggle with, has no other purpose than to cause us to love God more for who He is, and to discover ultimate peace in Him.
A little later in the book Keller references Martin Luther's take on suffering. What he says seems to sum up this whole idea really well. He says that "we must not try to use patience to earn our peace with Christ--we need the peace with Christ already if we are going to be patient. We must rest in the sufficiency of Christ's sufferings for us before we can even begin to suffer like him. If we know he loves us unconditionally, despite our flaws, then we know he is present with us and working in our lives in times of pain and sorrow. And we can know that he is not merely close to us, but he is indwelling, and that since we are members of his body, he senses our sufferings as his own" (52-53).
That last part was what really hit home for me. When I am struggling and in pain, Christ is not just near me in my suffering. Rather, he senses my suffering as his own.
That night a week ago where I cried myself to sleep because I felt lonely (moving somewhere and trying to make friends is really not easy, and it only gets harder when you're no longer in school)? He wasn't just near me but felt that loneliness as His own.
Those times where I feel wholly inadequate because I am not teaching full-time? Where I feel like I don't measure up to the expectations I have for myself? He isn't just near me, but feels my pain as well.
So why do I focus so much on pain? Because pain is something all of us experience and understand. And it is perhaps the thing that we feel most deeply.
There is nothing quite like suffering through something and then discovering a person who has gone through that same thing. There is a connection that you feel with that person because they "get" you. They don't just understand what you're feeling--they have felt what you are feeling.
Why is pain God's megaphone to us? Because that is when He shows Himself to be that friend. He is not just standing beside you, patting your back and saying "There, there." But because we are members of His body, He senses our sufferings as His own. He doesn't just understand our pain. He feels it too.
Pain tends to be what draws people together. I think it makes sense that it is what draws us closer to our God as well.
Saturday, 23 April 2016
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Post #39: It is Well
You have to love Facebook “Memories.” Every day I get by notification telling me
what was happing in my life (at least according to Facebook).
Over the weekend I had a memory that brought up a blog post I
had written four years ago. It had to do
with the idea of God “seeing” us. In the
post I recounted the story of Naomi. I
began to realize that even in the midst of Naomi’s pain and uncertainty (a
widow whose sons were also dead who moved back home and had no livelihood, just
a gutsy daughter-in-law), God still saw her.
And while He didn’t give her her husband and sons back, He gave her
Ruth, Boaz, and eventually a grandson to fill her arms. God saw her.
I mentioned the story of Hannah and how the Bible talks about
God “seeing” her.
What I found interesting was how four years later this blog
post hit home for me. A couple days
before March Break I found out for sure that the teacher I have been filling in
for is coming back.
That next Thursday
(the 31st), will be my last day working full-time. I then go back to supply teaching.
I’m not going to lie—that was really hard.
I love teaching. It
is exhausting and draining, but it also so rewarding. I love watching students grasp concepts. I love helping them learn new skills. I love watching how it changes their outlook
on life when they realize their teacher cares about them. Even when I just want to fall into bed at
night, I feel like I am fulfilling a purpose for my life. As I came back after
March Break I felt a sense of dread knowing that that was coming to a close.
Now I will still get to supply teach. And the principal has told me that I will go
to the top of the list for call-ins; so I don’t doubt I will be kept busy!
But it was still hard.
When I read that post, I was reminded of a time in my life
where it felt like I was experiencing God both intellectually and
emotionally. Everything seemed like it
was in alignment. As I read or learned
more about who He is, I felt myself also experiencing his presence in a more
real and tangible way. It was a challenging
time in my life for numerous reasons, but my relationship with God felt so
close.
Over the last year or so I have been talking with a friend
and have loved hearing how God has been changing her outlook on life. She has been getting to know and experience Him
in different ways. I can always count on
this friend to ask me what God is doing in my life too.
I sometimes struggle with this question because I feel like
I’m in a different place. I can tell her
what I’m learning, but my emotions have felt somewhat disconnected and this
concerned me.
On Saturday night I had trouble falling asleep because of
everything going through my mind (the job, the fact that our tenants gave us
their 60 day notice and we love them, that sort of stuff). No sooner had I started thinking about this
than I just stopped and prayed for peace.
I remember saying, “God, I’m really good at asking You to give others
peace in their circumstances. Please
give me Your peace right now through all of this.”
And He did.
I’m still nervous and unsure. But underlying it all is a peace. God is not going to stop being God.
I realized that I am once again in a different place. While I was scared that maybe I was just
learning stuff and not feeling an emotional connection, I realized that that
learning went deeper. That it had begun to change me and to influence my
relationships with God—I just hadn’t realized it yet.
And so right now I am resting in the knowledge that God
sees. That He knows me and sees me, and
that even if He doesn’t stop the uncertainty, He is still unchanging.
While taking up the offering at church on Sunday, the
pianist was playing “It is Well.” I feel
like the first verse of that song perfectly speaks to where I am at right now.
When peace like a
river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea
billows roll,
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to
say,
It is well, it is well
with my soul
As Easter approaches, it is my hope to remember that this
same Saviour who died for me, who loved me, who carried all of my crap on His
shoulders, still sees me today.
And it is in that knowledge that I take peace.
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
Post #38: Uncertainty Leading to March Break
I haven't written in a long time. Mainly that's just because like has been busy (I was filling in for an extra class, supply teaching, and then asked to finish off the maternity leave that I started last year).
I have wanted to write.
The ideas have been there.
I sat down on two separate occasions to write and both times walked away, deleting those drafts.
But today I feel not that I want to write. Today I need to write.
Our weather has been funny here this winter. We will have a week of mild temperatures and then a week of snow (we finally got a snow day last week... which was ridiculous because there was almost no snow). This week has been warm and feels like spring. After being couped up I could finally get out. I leave work, come home, and go for a run. It has been a nice routine to get back into.
Today's run felt cooler because of the grey skies. As I look out the window I could definitely believe that we will get the rain they are calling for.
I'm pretty sure I have shared this on my blog before, but if I haven't then know that there is a saying I feel sums up my life fairly well.
The only certainty in my life is uncertainty.
I have been so blessed with job opportunities since coming to Ontario. The fact is, hours and positions have seemed to just fall into my lap. And I am so thankful for this. But it is also hard because I never know what's coming. The problem with being a supply teacher is the feast-or-famine nature of it. Just because I have a contract now doesn't mean I will have one when this one ends.
When I was asked to finish off the maternity leave, I was told that they didn't know if the teacher I'm filling in for would be coming back. So while I'm only hired until the beginning of April, they wanted me to be prepared in case it went longer.
And that was all I heard about the matter.
Which was fine until now. But now there are only two days left before March break. And after that only two weeks until April.
Whenever I'm asked how I'm feeling about this position ending I tell people I'm doing fine with it. God has provided thus far and I have to trust that whether I have a job or not, He is still God.
And that is true.
But I can only fend off uncertainty and fear so long as they battle against what I know to be true. Sometimes all it takes is one little thing and I feel like I can no longer stand up.
I love the kids I'm teaching this semester. My Grade 12 Law class is full of students I have taught before who are interested in the topic material.
My Grade 10 Applied English class is full of sweethearts who seem willing to try just about anything I ask them to do.
My Grade 9 Applied English has 16 students, 14 of which are boys. They are unique and quirky, and they constantly keep me on my toes. I also have my greatest ups and downs with them.
Sometimes the hard part about working with kids in the applied level classes is that you are dealing with all kinds of behaviors and such. Which means that, depending on what's going on that day, you could have a content kid who is up for any challenge and is participating in class. Or you could have a day where they can't control themselves and say or do things that they wouldn't normally do.
Today I had a student ask me how much longer until the other teacher comes back. As they looked at me pointedly they made sure that I knew that they thought I wasn't a nice teacher (silly me for having boundaries and rules in class), and that they couldn't wait for me to be gone.
I know they said this to get a rise. I also know that they can't always control what comes out of their mouth. Which is why I never let it get to me.
But today it did.
Today I came back from my run, sat down, and just started to cry.
Because uncertainty sucks.
Because anyone who knows me knows that I invest so much in my students. At three o'clock I can't shut my brain off and not think about them until the next day at nine. I have always been told that what makes me the teacher I am is the rapport that I have with my students. That is who I am. I care.
Because no matter how much I try to be tough, I have a heart that very easily turns to mush. And because nothing hurts me worse that words.
And I know that this too shall pass.
I know that God will continue to be God. That no matter what my job situation is, He is still in control. I know that no matter what happens He will continue to make me and mold me to be more like Him. And that is good.
And I know that the next time I see this student they could very well apologize to me. That has happened before.
But today my heart feels tender and I just want answers.
But since I probably won't get those in the timing I want, I will continue to press through. I will remind myself of who God is and of His goodness.
And I will focus on the fact that I leave for the Dominican Republic on Friday morning.
I have wanted to write.
The ideas have been there.
I sat down on two separate occasions to write and both times walked away, deleting those drafts.
But today I feel not that I want to write. Today I need to write.
Our weather has been funny here this winter. We will have a week of mild temperatures and then a week of snow (we finally got a snow day last week... which was ridiculous because there was almost no snow). This week has been warm and feels like spring. After being couped up I could finally get out. I leave work, come home, and go for a run. It has been a nice routine to get back into.
Today's run felt cooler because of the grey skies. As I look out the window I could definitely believe that we will get the rain they are calling for.
I'm pretty sure I have shared this on my blog before, but if I haven't then know that there is a saying I feel sums up my life fairly well.
The only certainty in my life is uncertainty.
I have been so blessed with job opportunities since coming to Ontario. The fact is, hours and positions have seemed to just fall into my lap. And I am so thankful for this. But it is also hard because I never know what's coming. The problem with being a supply teacher is the feast-or-famine nature of it. Just because I have a contract now doesn't mean I will have one when this one ends.
When I was asked to finish off the maternity leave, I was told that they didn't know if the teacher I'm filling in for would be coming back. So while I'm only hired until the beginning of April, they wanted me to be prepared in case it went longer.
And that was all I heard about the matter.
Which was fine until now. But now there are only two days left before March break. And after that only two weeks until April.
Whenever I'm asked how I'm feeling about this position ending I tell people I'm doing fine with it. God has provided thus far and I have to trust that whether I have a job or not, He is still God.
And that is true.
But I can only fend off uncertainty and fear so long as they battle against what I know to be true. Sometimes all it takes is one little thing and I feel like I can no longer stand up.
I love the kids I'm teaching this semester. My Grade 12 Law class is full of students I have taught before who are interested in the topic material.
My Grade 10 Applied English class is full of sweethearts who seem willing to try just about anything I ask them to do.
My Grade 9 Applied English has 16 students, 14 of which are boys. They are unique and quirky, and they constantly keep me on my toes. I also have my greatest ups and downs with them.
Sometimes the hard part about working with kids in the applied level classes is that you are dealing with all kinds of behaviors and such. Which means that, depending on what's going on that day, you could have a content kid who is up for any challenge and is participating in class. Or you could have a day where they can't control themselves and say or do things that they wouldn't normally do.
Today I had a student ask me how much longer until the other teacher comes back. As they looked at me pointedly they made sure that I knew that they thought I wasn't a nice teacher (silly me for having boundaries and rules in class), and that they couldn't wait for me to be gone.
I know they said this to get a rise. I also know that they can't always control what comes out of their mouth. Which is why I never let it get to me.
But today it did.
Today I came back from my run, sat down, and just started to cry.
Because uncertainty sucks.
Because anyone who knows me knows that I invest so much in my students. At three o'clock I can't shut my brain off and not think about them until the next day at nine. I have always been told that what makes me the teacher I am is the rapport that I have with my students. That is who I am. I care.
Because no matter how much I try to be tough, I have a heart that very easily turns to mush. And because nothing hurts me worse that words.
And I know that this too shall pass.
I know that God will continue to be God. That no matter what my job situation is, He is still in control. I know that no matter what happens He will continue to make me and mold me to be more like Him. And that is good.
And I know that the next time I see this student they could very well apologize to me. That has happened before.
But today my heart feels tender and I just want answers.
But since I probably won't get those in the timing I want, I will continue to press through. I will remind myself of who God is and of His goodness.
And I will focus on the fact that I leave for the Dominican Republic on Friday morning.
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Post #37: A Grieved Heart
I was planning on sitting down this weekend and writing a
post. I wanted to write about some of
what the last couple of weeks have held, what with taking on another class
among other things. There have been some
neat experiences and growth moments thanks to some podcasts, some reading, and
some prayer.
But the yesterday happened.
I was sitting in a hair salon, my hair up in foils while
sipping wine (yeah… the owner at my salon apparently keeps wine on hand for the
clients).
And then the owner came in and told us there had been
attacks in Paris. He had heard at that
point that 30 people were confirmed dead.
I felt sick.
By the time I arrived home more details had been released
and my Facebook newsfeed was full or people expressing their sorrow and offering
prayers for those in Paris.
I remembered the attacks on September 11 and how it felt
like people everywhere were bonded together through the shock and grief and
what had happened.
What I experienced today was something different
though. I witnessed a myriad of friends
change their profile pictures in support of France. I saw people reflecting on the sorrow, the
hurt, and trying to cope with it all.
And I have felt sick all day because of it. I have felt sick because the people I see
posting or sharing these posts are people who claim the same faith as me.
I keep thinking, How
do I respond to this?
As a History major I studied 20th century
history, specifically around the middle of the century. This means I learned about all the nations
that shut their doors to Jews trying to flee Nazi Germany. I learned about the way countries,
specifically Canada, treated immigrants.
They were treated as second-class citizens (if they were lucky). Some were placed in internment camps because
people were so scared of them. In WWII
we placed the Japanese in such camps. We
confiscated their property and once they were in the camps we sold it and kept
the profits. Why? Because Japan was on the opposite side in the
war and that meant we viewed all Japanese as a threat.
We became so scared that all people of a specific
race/culture became viewed as the enemy.
And today I saw people doing the same thing.
Because of what a few terrorists did, people are willing to
blame an entire people group.
And it grieves me.
On the other hand, I saw people quoting Matthew
25:35-36. I thought I would share the
whole section in the chapter that that verse comes from.
31 “When the Son of Man comes in his
glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All
the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people
one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He
will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his
right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the
kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For
I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me
something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I
needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I
was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord,
when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to
drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite
you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When
did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you,
whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,
you did for me.’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left,
‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared
for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry
and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I
was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not
clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we
see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in
prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever
you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal
punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
Jesus wasn’t telling us to turn away those who are hurting
because we are scared for our own lives.
He tells us to feed those who are hungry. To clothe those who are naked and cold. To invite in the strangers with nowhere to
go. To look after those who are sick.
I have said in multiples posts that the purpose of our lives
is to become more like Christ. That the “good”
in Romans that God promises to work all things out for, is His purpose of us
becoming more like Him.
And you know what He did?
He healed those from all walks of life (Luke 8:42-48; John
9:1-9).
He prayed for those who hurt, persecuted, and then
ultimately killed Him (Luke 23:34).
He took time to talk with those who were viewed as enemies
of Him and His people (John 4:1-42; Luke 19:1-10).
Father, make me more like You. Help me to feed, clothe, welcome, and take
care of those who are in need. For You
have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
Thursday, 29 October 2015
Post 36: Thankfulness
I have been want to write a post since Thanksgiving, but work really started to pick up (I have been working almost full-time hours with the extra supply teaching and tutoring on top of my one regular course that I teach), not to mention throwing parent-teacher interviews into the mix. I have had two weekends off in a row, but on the first one I found I could not bring myself to do anything other than relax (and mark a few literary paragraphs), and on the second both Husband and I weren't feeling 100%.
Today I have a bit of time to sit down and put into writing the flurry of thoughts that have been on my mind the last few weeks.
The week leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself challenged to be thankful. Maybe that seems cliche or silly, but I began to notice that I had a knack for dwelling on negative things. For taking hurt where it wasn't intended. For failing to notice the beauty and the good in what was going on around me. As Jordan and I would pray for meals or before bed, I would try to remember to thank God (and mean it), for the things He had blessed us with, and for the lives that we have.
As I look back on these few weeks, I find myself thanking God for everything that He has allowed to happen to me, because it is those things that have shaped me. They have stretched me and molded me. So many of them have hurt, but God has taken that which is painful to make me at least a little bit more like Him.
It has been about six years now since I allowed myself to take a break from being involved in church ministries. I was burnt out and was hurting, and needed some time to heal. Then, with going back to school and working, and only ever being in a place a year at a time, I allowed myself to continue not getting involved.
Over the Thanksgiving weekend I began to see how God has allowed me to settle in a community. To begin to put down roots. He also drew my attention to the fact that being a part of a community means just that: being a part.
I don't know if anything scares me more than getting involved in churches (okay, Parent-Teacher interviews probably scare me more if I'm going to be honest). But at the "prodding" of a friend (she mentioned my name and then "encouraged" me to see how I would fit), I have signed up to help out with Gems. This is a girls' club our church does for girls in grades 4-8. I get to work with the grade 8 girls. And while I have not been able to make all of the meetings yet because of commitments with work, it really has felt good to get involved. Last Sunday we slid into our pew and one of my girls was sitting behind us. It felt strangely "homelike" to be able to tease her and talk to her.
On Tuesday I then received an email asking me if I would be willing to play piano occasionally for the early morning services our church is going to be starting at the end of November. I have played on worship teams before, but I'm not a particularly talented pianist. I chord. What I play comes from my heart and is my own offering of worship to God, but I don't play melodies, and definitely don't play like the pianists in our church. I explained this. Explained that it might be more difficult for people to follow me because of this (we don't always have someone who actually leads the singing). What I got in response was a "Great! I will make sure that myself and some other singers are always signed up to sing with you!"
In many ways, God has had to twist my arm to get me involved. After spending every free moment involved in church ministries, I have been very guarded of my time. I am scared of running into that extreme again.
But God has also been gracious. My time is not overloaded. One night a week, and the occasional Sunday morning is really not that much to give up.
I'm scared. I'm insecure. And with every fiber of my being I want to run and hide.
But I also feel like I am starting to belong. Like this city and this church, this community that I belong to, is my home.
And for this I'm thankful.
On Tuesday afternoon my principal sent me an email asking me if we could meet Wednesday morning. As I popped in yesterday, he asked me if I would be willing to take over teaching our school's Families class while its teacher takes six weeks off for surgery. I said yes.
I start teaching it Monday (which means that while all the other teachers are at their conference today and tomorrow, I get to stay home, drink cocoa, and plan how to talk to my students about gender roles in marriage).
If I had my way I would be teaching full-time, and would know that my position was secure.
I don't have that.
But that's okay.
On Thanksgiving Monday we sang "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can remember singing that song a lot in the months leading up to my move from BC to Ontario. The one portion that sticks out to me says:
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
No matter what has happened or what will happen, God is still God. He is still on throne. And I want to be able to spend my days praising Him for who He is and what He has done.
I want to be thankful in EVERYTHING, not just the things that go my way.
Today I have a bit of time to sit down and put into writing the flurry of thoughts that have been on my mind the last few weeks.
The week leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself challenged to be thankful. Maybe that seems cliche or silly, but I began to notice that I had a knack for dwelling on negative things. For taking hurt where it wasn't intended. For failing to notice the beauty and the good in what was going on around me. As Jordan and I would pray for meals or before bed, I would try to remember to thank God (and mean it), for the things He had blessed us with, and for the lives that we have.
As I look back on these few weeks, I find myself thanking God for everything that He has allowed to happen to me, because it is those things that have shaped me. They have stretched me and molded me. So many of them have hurt, but God has taken that which is painful to make me at least a little bit more like Him.
It has been about six years now since I allowed myself to take a break from being involved in church ministries. I was burnt out and was hurting, and needed some time to heal. Then, with going back to school and working, and only ever being in a place a year at a time, I allowed myself to continue not getting involved.
Over the Thanksgiving weekend I began to see how God has allowed me to settle in a community. To begin to put down roots. He also drew my attention to the fact that being a part of a community means just that: being a part.
I don't know if anything scares me more than getting involved in churches (okay, Parent-Teacher interviews probably scare me more if I'm going to be honest). But at the "prodding" of a friend (she mentioned my name and then "encouraged" me to see how I would fit), I have signed up to help out with Gems. This is a girls' club our church does for girls in grades 4-8. I get to work with the grade 8 girls. And while I have not been able to make all of the meetings yet because of commitments with work, it really has felt good to get involved. Last Sunday we slid into our pew and one of my girls was sitting behind us. It felt strangely "homelike" to be able to tease her and talk to her.
On Tuesday I then received an email asking me if I would be willing to play piano occasionally for the early morning services our church is going to be starting at the end of November. I have played on worship teams before, but I'm not a particularly talented pianist. I chord. What I play comes from my heart and is my own offering of worship to God, but I don't play melodies, and definitely don't play like the pianists in our church. I explained this. Explained that it might be more difficult for people to follow me because of this (we don't always have someone who actually leads the singing). What I got in response was a "Great! I will make sure that myself and some other singers are always signed up to sing with you!"
In many ways, God has had to twist my arm to get me involved. After spending every free moment involved in church ministries, I have been very guarded of my time. I am scared of running into that extreme again.
But God has also been gracious. My time is not overloaded. One night a week, and the occasional Sunday morning is really not that much to give up.
I'm scared. I'm insecure. And with every fiber of my being I want to run and hide.
But I also feel like I am starting to belong. Like this city and this church, this community that I belong to, is my home.
And for this I'm thankful.
On Tuesday afternoon my principal sent me an email asking me if we could meet Wednesday morning. As I popped in yesterday, he asked me if I would be willing to take over teaching our school's Families class while its teacher takes six weeks off for surgery. I said yes.
I start teaching it Monday (which means that while all the other teachers are at their conference today and tomorrow, I get to stay home, drink cocoa, and plan how to talk to my students about gender roles in marriage).
If I had my way I would be teaching full-time, and would know that my position was secure.
I don't have that.
But that's okay.
On Thanksgiving Monday we sang "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. I can remember singing that song a lot in the months leading up to my move from BC to Ontario. The one portion that sticks out to me says:
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
No matter what has happened or what will happen, God is still God. He is still on throne. And I want to be able to spend my days praising Him for who He is and what He has done.
I want to be thankful in EVERYTHING, not just the things that go my way.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
Post 35: Beautiful Things
Here we are, heading into the second week of school.
First off, let me say that I love my job :) There is something about having my own class that I get to spend a whole semester with that really changes things. And it is fun because I have been at this school for a year now, so the students know me. Monday on my way back from the photocopier I stopped by one grade 12 girl who was at a computer. She goes to our church, so I just asked her what she was up to. This very quiet and shy young woman just started talking to me about her thoughts and plans for the future.
It was exciting.
And it was a reminder for me of why I got into this whole teaching gig.
I want children and youth to know that someone cares about them. I love getting to teach and use pop culture to help explain things like plot, conflict, and characterization (or stories about my death to show point of view). But I really love getting to be a part of my kids' lives. To show them Jesus as best as I can. And to let them know that they are valued and cared for. (And typically when they feel this way, they tend to work a bit harder on their assignments... go figure).
So even though I'm only two days into the second week, it has been two days of feeling like I'm truly walking in my calling.
And that is a good place to be in.
I had a conversation with one of my close friends last night, and right now I find myself mulling over a question she asked me.
She said, "What's been on your mind lately?"
First off, I always get scared when I feel like people are asking me "deep" questions. I have always been convinced that my answers will fall short of their needed "depth." But I answered her honestly.
Lately I have been thinking that I feel like I am starting to belong. That this is becoming home for me. Both Jordan and I have talked a few times that the last year has been an interesting one. It many ways it has felt like both of us have had to start all over again. And in the last month or so it has felt like we have been making connections. We had friends over for dinner and games a couple of weeks ago. We got invited to their place. I had some friends over for wine and croquettes last week. Jordan has become a deacon at church, and there is talk of seeing if I will replace one of our friends who is moving away on the church's Fellowship Committee.
My job is only part time, but I definitely feel as if I am connecting more with the staff this year. I was sent home sick from our Grade 9 Day on Friday (and spent most of the weekend in bed sleeping and watching Downton Abbey), and on Monday and Tuesday I had so many of my co-workers ask me how I was feeling and checking in on me.
With being in school I have spent the last seven or so years in transition. It feels really good to set down roots and now to begin to see something springing up from those roots.
Which makes me think of a song we sang at one of our PD Days at the beginning of September. It was the song "Beautiful Things." I want to share it with you.
Now I look at this song and I think of the journey I have been on. And I look at how through all of the pain, the joy, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the laughter, God has been making something beautiful. Something good. Something that is (albeit slowly) trying to become more like Him.
And then I thought about the two women on either side of me who were singing with me. To my right was a woman who had just announced to the staff that she was pregnant with her first child. This teacher was one of those who has always tried to make me feel welcome, and it was infectious to watch her joy.
On my left was a woman who is infertile. After trying a vast assortment of treatments for several years, her and her husband had to make the decision to stop. This woman has gone out of her way to talk to me. To befriend me. She has been somebody who has vented to me and who will let me vent to her. She has offered advice when I needed it on a variety of those topics.
And both women were beautiful. Each has had their own journeys. Their own hurts, triumphs, defeats, and joys. And despite their different journeys, God has used them both to impact others. Despite what they have gone through, they have allowed God to make them into something beautiful. Something good. Something more like Him.
I feel like I could just go on. I have been reading some Tim Keller and listening to some Matt Chandler and at this moment in time I feel like I could burst with all the thoughts that are going on inside of me. But I'm going to leave it at that.
Sometimes the ugly and unthinkable happen. But I believe that my God does make good things out of that. That through the ugly and unthinkable, He makes us greater image bearers of Himself. That He makes us more like Him.
That He makes us beautiful.
First off, let me say that I love my job :) There is something about having my own class that I get to spend a whole semester with that really changes things. And it is fun because I have been at this school for a year now, so the students know me. Monday on my way back from the photocopier I stopped by one grade 12 girl who was at a computer. She goes to our church, so I just asked her what she was up to. This very quiet and shy young woman just started talking to me about her thoughts and plans for the future.
It was exciting.
And it was a reminder for me of why I got into this whole teaching gig.
I want children and youth to know that someone cares about them. I love getting to teach and use pop culture to help explain things like plot, conflict, and characterization (or stories about my death to show point of view). But I really love getting to be a part of my kids' lives. To show them Jesus as best as I can. And to let them know that they are valued and cared for. (And typically when they feel this way, they tend to work a bit harder on their assignments... go figure).
So even though I'm only two days into the second week, it has been two days of feeling like I'm truly walking in my calling.
And that is a good place to be in.
I had a conversation with one of my close friends last night, and right now I find myself mulling over a question she asked me.
She said, "What's been on your mind lately?"
First off, I always get scared when I feel like people are asking me "deep" questions. I have always been convinced that my answers will fall short of their needed "depth." But I answered her honestly.
Lately I have been thinking that I feel like I am starting to belong. That this is becoming home for me. Both Jordan and I have talked a few times that the last year has been an interesting one. It many ways it has felt like both of us have had to start all over again. And in the last month or so it has felt like we have been making connections. We had friends over for dinner and games a couple of weeks ago. We got invited to their place. I had some friends over for wine and croquettes last week. Jordan has become a deacon at church, and there is talk of seeing if I will replace one of our friends who is moving away on the church's Fellowship Committee.
My job is only part time, but I definitely feel as if I am connecting more with the staff this year. I was sent home sick from our Grade 9 Day on Friday (and spent most of the weekend in bed sleeping and watching Downton Abbey), and on Monday and Tuesday I had so many of my co-workers ask me how I was feeling and checking in on me.
With being in school I have spent the last seven or so years in transition. It feels really good to set down roots and now to begin to see something springing up from those roots.
Which makes me think of a song we sang at one of our PD Days at the beginning of September. It was the song "Beautiful Things." I want to share it with you.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new
Now I look at this song and I think of the journey I have been on. And I look at how through all of the pain, the joy, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the laughter, God has been making something beautiful. Something good. Something that is (albeit slowly) trying to become more like Him.
And then I thought about the two women on either side of me who were singing with me. To my right was a woman who had just announced to the staff that she was pregnant with her first child. This teacher was one of those who has always tried to make me feel welcome, and it was infectious to watch her joy.
On my left was a woman who is infertile. After trying a vast assortment of treatments for several years, her and her husband had to make the decision to stop. This woman has gone out of her way to talk to me. To befriend me. She has been somebody who has vented to me and who will let me vent to her. She has offered advice when I needed it on a variety of those topics.
And both women were beautiful. Each has had their own journeys. Their own hurts, triumphs, defeats, and joys. And despite their different journeys, God has used them both to impact others. Despite what they have gone through, they have allowed God to make them into something beautiful. Something good. Something more like Him.
I feel like I could just go on. I have been reading some Tim Keller and listening to some Matt Chandler and at this moment in time I feel like I could burst with all the thoughts that are going on inside of me. But I'm going to leave it at that.
Sometimes the ugly and unthinkable happen. But I believe that my God does make good things out of that. That through the ugly and unthinkable, He makes us greater image bearers of Himself. That He makes us more like Him.
That He makes us beautiful.
Friday, 28 August 2015
Post #34: Bleach, Paint, Doctrine, and Relationships
So August is almost over.
Where did the summer go?
I'm sitting on our couch, one cat by my side and one by my feet, and I'm breathing.
Breathing is important :)
And if you talk to anyone who has had communication with me this last month they can attest to the fact that stopping to breathe has been a bit of a difficulty.
Jordan and I had one of the happiest moments of our marriage on July 31st. Our tenants moved out!!! We have had almost a whole month where the smell of pot no longer wafts through our vents, where I don't have to keep our bistro set hidden so that it doesn't get used, where I can vacuum the house whenever I want! It has been so liberating!
The downside?
Walking through the unit and discovering it was filthy (I don't know if they had ever washed their floors), having to clean out the fridge (but thanks for leaving half a bottle or red wine in there), and realizing that their three cats had used the stairwell down the the basement as a place to urinate (if you have three cats, please get more than one litter box and make sure you clean it out OFTEN). They also left a backyard full of crap (old rat cages, the glass shards from their broken patio table, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you wore gloves to handle), and a loveseat.
After a garbage day that involved between 15-17 bags of garbage (only one was from us), a dump run where we filled a cargo van, and a special visit from the city to take the couch (best sound ever was it being crushed in the dump truck), the house was cleared out.
It took me a solid week to bleach the entire house and then go through it again with Mr. Clean (a shout-out to my cousin who drove down on a Friday evening to help me clean). Jordan and I then bought the heaviest duty primer we could find and the entire unit got two coats of (the brown kitchen ceiling is now such a pretty white). We then set about repainting the entire unit. Another cousin and his son spent a weekend with us tearing out the pee-saturated stairs and replacing them, while helping Jordan lay flooring in the master bedroom.
It has been a really busy month.
But now that I have a chance to breathe, I find myself reflecting on the entire experience.
The last four months or so have been kind of insane. Between run-ins with our old tenants (I love being told to shut my f***ing mouth), finding out Hawaii was a no-go, dealing with job uncertainty, and then losing my Oma, it has felt like we have had one thing after another thrown at us. But through it all I was reminded of God's goodness.
If I were to be completely honest with you all, working on this unit was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Poor Jordan has come home from work a few times to find my overwhelmed, in tears, and wondering when we will just get a chance to breathe.
Those are the days where he comes come and decides to give me an early birthday present :)
Last night we went to change the light fixture in the bathroom. And it took us almost an hour to do because of how the previous owners had installed the old one. Like so many things with this house, something that was meant to be quick and easy took forever.
I finally went upstairs and did something that I have tried so hard not to do.
I asked God "Why?"
I asked Him why it seems like everything has to be a battle.
And I didn't come away with any answers.
But today, after my run, I had a few more.
I was listening to a podcast on my run, and the pastor was speaking on the passage in Luke 24 where Jesus talks to two people on the road to Emmaus. He talked about the fact that these guys meet up with Jesus, don't know He's Jesus, and then proceed to tell Jesus all about Jesus. He talked about how these guys knew their Bible. They knew their doctrine. But they didn't realize that Jesus was right there with them.
And I think that was when it hit me. As I was dealing with all the other stuff, I kept turning to God. I talked to Him about it. I learned and was challenged while being in relationship with Him.
This last month I kept spouting what I knew, but neglected the relationship part. I would spend whole days alone in that unit cleaning, priming, and painting. I would get frustrated. I would also experience satisfaction as I watched in transform.
But I forgot that God was with me.
I forgot that He is more to me that just some doctrine that I can reference when things are bad or good.
There are so many times in the Psalms where David asks God where He is and why things are happening.
Today I went for lunch with a friend (insert happy dance here), and we discussed how difficult it is to have a relationship that has no depth.
I don't want a relationship without the theology--I have seen what that looks like and it is often shallow and has little or no foundation to it.
But I also don't just want my theology without the relationship--we are called to love God and how can we do that without knowing Him?
This last month has been exhausting. But I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I had shared that with God. He was already present--it was just me who didn't acknowledge that.
I was telling another friend that running makes a really good analogy for my relationship with Christ. Before I started filling that maternity leave I was running a solid 7km every time I ran. Then with working I cut back. For all of July it felt as if I could barely do a 5km run. I was exhausted and my cardio felt like it sucked. I was frustrated because it felt like everything I was doing was for naught. I felt like I had lost what I used to have.
And then this week hit. Yesterday I did my first ever 10km run and I did it at a better pace than most of my 5km ones in July. Today I did another 10 km run.
Sometimes it feels like everything is a battle. And sometimes it feels like we're stuck and no matter what we do it doesn't seem to change anything. But eventually we do see the growth.
Sometimes it feels like every time I go for a walk or pick up a book God is present and speaking to me. And other times it feels like there is nothing but silence. And sometimes, in the silence, I get discouraged and want to give up. But God is still present. And He is still growing me.
So my encouragement is to remember that He is always with you. Whether you are aware of it or not, He is. But I would challenge you to strive to be more aware.
Where did the summer go?
I'm sitting on our couch, one cat by my side and one by my feet, and I'm breathing.
Breathing is important :)
And if you talk to anyone who has had communication with me this last month they can attest to the fact that stopping to breathe has been a bit of a difficulty.
Jordan and I had one of the happiest moments of our marriage on July 31st. Our tenants moved out!!! We have had almost a whole month where the smell of pot no longer wafts through our vents, where I don't have to keep our bistro set hidden so that it doesn't get used, where I can vacuum the house whenever I want! It has been so liberating!
The downside?
Walking through the unit and discovering it was filthy (I don't know if they had ever washed their floors), having to clean out the fridge (but thanks for leaving half a bottle or red wine in there), and realizing that their three cats had used the stairwell down the the basement as a place to urinate (if you have three cats, please get more than one litter box and make sure you clean it out OFTEN). They also left a backyard full of crap (old rat cages, the glass shards from their broken patio table, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you wore gloves to handle), and a loveseat.
After a garbage day that involved between 15-17 bags of garbage (only one was from us), a dump run where we filled a cargo van, and a special visit from the city to take the couch (best sound ever was it being crushed in the dump truck), the house was cleared out.
It took me a solid week to bleach the entire house and then go through it again with Mr. Clean (a shout-out to my cousin who drove down on a Friday evening to help me clean). Jordan and I then bought the heaviest duty primer we could find and the entire unit got two coats of (the brown kitchen ceiling is now such a pretty white). We then set about repainting the entire unit. Another cousin and his son spent a weekend with us tearing out the pee-saturated stairs and replacing them, while helping Jordan lay flooring in the master bedroom.
It has been a really busy month.
But now that I have a chance to breathe, I find myself reflecting on the entire experience.
The last four months or so have been kind of insane. Between run-ins with our old tenants (I love being told to shut my f***ing mouth), finding out Hawaii was a no-go, dealing with job uncertainty, and then losing my Oma, it has felt like we have had one thing after another thrown at us. But through it all I was reminded of God's goodness.
If I were to be completely honest with you all, working on this unit was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Poor Jordan has come home from work a few times to find my overwhelmed, in tears, and wondering when we will just get a chance to breathe.
Those are the days where he comes come and decides to give me an early birthday present :)
Last night we went to change the light fixture in the bathroom. And it took us almost an hour to do because of how the previous owners had installed the old one. Like so many things with this house, something that was meant to be quick and easy took forever.
I finally went upstairs and did something that I have tried so hard not to do.
I asked God "Why?"
I asked Him why it seems like everything has to be a battle.
And I didn't come away with any answers.
But today, after my run, I had a few more.
I was listening to a podcast on my run, and the pastor was speaking on the passage in Luke 24 where Jesus talks to two people on the road to Emmaus. He talked about the fact that these guys meet up with Jesus, don't know He's Jesus, and then proceed to tell Jesus all about Jesus. He talked about how these guys knew their Bible. They knew their doctrine. But they didn't realize that Jesus was right there with them.
And I think that was when it hit me. As I was dealing with all the other stuff, I kept turning to God. I talked to Him about it. I learned and was challenged while being in relationship with Him.
This last month I kept spouting what I knew, but neglected the relationship part. I would spend whole days alone in that unit cleaning, priming, and painting. I would get frustrated. I would also experience satisfaction as I watched in transform.
But I forgot that God was with me.
I forgot that He is more to me that just some doctrine that I can reference when things are bad or good.
There are so many times in the Psalms where David asks God where He is and why things are happening.
Today I went for lunch with a friend (insert happy dance here), and we discussed how difficult it is to have a relationship that has no depth.
I don't want a relationship without the theology--I have seen what that looks like and it is often shallow and has little or no foundation to it.
But I also don't just want my theology without the relationship--we are called to love God and how can we do that without knowing Him?
This last month has been exhausting. But I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if I had shared that with God. He was already present--it was just me who didn't acknowledge that.
I was telling another friend that running makes a really good analogy for my relationship with Christ. Before I started filling that maternity leave I was running a solid 7km every time I ran. Then with working I cut back. For all of July it felt as if I could barely do a 5km run. I was exhausted and my cardio felt like it sucked. I was frustrated because it felt like everything I was doing was for naught. I felt like I had lost what I used to have.
And then this week hit. Yesterday I did my first ever 10km run and I did it at a better pace than most of my 5km ones in July. Today I did another 10 km run.
Sometimes it feels like everything is a battle. And sometimes it feels like we're stuck and no matter what we do it doesn't seem to change anything. But eventually we do see the growth.
Sometimes it feels like every time I go for a walk or pick up a book God is present and speaking to me. And other times it feels like there is nothing but silence. And sometimes, in the silence, I get discouraged and want to give up. But God is still present. And He is still growing me.
So my encouragement is to remember that He is always with you. Whether you are aware of it or not, He is. But I would challenge you to strive to be more aware.
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